Oh the tension
I was about to use the word 'relax' in my subject line.
I wanted to talk about my tension level. Simply saying I lack the ability to relax is not quite the problem. It also makes it sound like I don't know how to have fun. I do know how to have fun, and still manage to have plenty of it. But I live every hour of my life (both awake and asleep) with a never ending tension. I have always been that way.
I don't think to those looking at me I appear tense. I'd hardly know if myself if I hand't lived with it so long. Over the years I go places (doctors, nail salon, spa, hair stylist) and the person has to say to me over and over "just relax". I seldom sit back in chairs even in my car. I find myself sometimes holding my breath for no reason. And I wake up feeling like I worked out. I should correct that by saying that "I assume it might feel like this if I worked out".
Usually I don't notice my tension on an ongoing basis. It's just part of who I am. But since things are especially touchy right now, I am, as they say, "Wound tighter when a cheap watch." I am so tense it feels like someone is sitting on my chest, and it feels like my heart is about to break under the pressure of my bones.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I am tense.
I wanted to talk about my tension level. Simply saying I lack the ability to relax is not quite the problem. It also makes it sound like I don't know how to have fun. I do know how to have fun, and still manage to have plenty of it. But I live every hour of my life (both awake and asleep) with a never ending tension. I have always been that way.
I don't think to those looking at me I appear tense. I'd hardly know if myself if I hand't lived with it so long. Over the years I go places (doctors, nail salon, spa, hair stylist) and the person has to say to me over and over "just relax". I seldom sit back in chairs even in my car. I find myself sometimes holding my breath for no reason. And I wake up feeling like I worked out. I should correct that by saying that "I assume it might feel like this if I worked out".
Usually I don't notice my tension on an ongoing basis. It's just part of who I am. But since things are especially touchy right now, I am, as they say, "Wound tighter when a cheap watch." I am so tense it feels like someone is sitting on my chest, and it feels like my heart is about to break under the pressure of my bones.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I am tense.