My Identity and the Fandom

[ferporcel]

Hello, F-list!

I'd like to x-post here from the_castle_lj my thoughts about my identity within the fandom. We're encouraged to answer a few questions...

• What elements of yourself outside of fandom do you choose to bring to your fandom life? I’m not talking about the disclosure of private information about you, but, rather, the choice to bring your unique perspective, skills, style, or some other element of yourself into your fandom activities. What have you noticed about what that’s been like for you?

The most important part of myself I bring into my fandom life is my imagination, my creative spirit. It used to be a very active part of me when I was a child, but I was forced to keep it more and more to myself as I grew up, because I’m also a very practical and logical person-which is great in a professional life. With the discovery of the fandom, the less logical part of me screamed, “Oooh! Shiny!” It was so tempting, you have no idea! I had to follow. I had to free my imagination again, and it’s been really wonderful. I also found in the fandom a fertile land for interactive and informative ventures, another passion of mine. I’ve always wanted to be able to run something entertaining, and I put many of my ideas into use through the fandom. It was awesome to go back to drawing and playing with graphics and html for websites. I used to do all of this when I was younger, but real life had slowly taken these joys from my day-to-day life, so I thank the fandom for keeping the whole of me alive, really.

• What have you noticed about the ways in which membership in fandom has catalyzed changes in you? Do you see yourself the same way now as you did when you first entered the fandom? Do you participate in fandom in the same ways you used to? How do you understand the changes? How do you feel about them?

How have I changed… The most obvious change fandom brought into my life was my new-found “talent” for writing. It changed the way I perceive myself in so many ways that I can’t even count. Even if it haven’t changed my professional path (like it would have if I were younger), it certainly influenced my decisions in that area, helping me believe more in myself and my power of achievement. I can do whatever I set myself to do, and fandom has made me see that more clearly. Nowadays, I don’t participate in fandom the same way I did when I arrived. I’ve achieved many things; I made many of the things I wanted to make in the first four or five years of fandom. Now, I’m more selective. I’m also more controlled in my impulses, because yes, I still want to make a bunch of crazy things I know will jeopardize my sanity. If I could, I’d make fandom my professional life, but that’s not at all realistic, so I choose more where and when to invest my time these days. I understand this as a growth. I’ve matured in my fandom life, and it happened as a consequence of an overdose of it. I feel I’m more responsible now, and my contribution to the fandom, although less in volume, will be more in dedication and enjoyment-or so I hope!

• If you write fic, do you see yourself primarily as “writer”? “Storyteller”? Both? How do you understand these concepts in terms of your own process? Have these elements of your identity evolved with your participation in fandom? If so, how?

I’m primarily a storyteller. I’ve no idea what is to be a writer, but I do have stories to tell. I hope I’ll acquire some writing skills as I go, and maybe one day I’ll be both writer and storyteller. I say that because being a writer is learning how to use words and craft them into something that transcends the written. A storyteller who could also be a writer would be able to create worlds, people, lives, places never seen anywhere and bring all this into any interesting context that pleases him or her. At this point, I’m only able to partially do that. I create people, lives, some places, and I use words to bring it all to life, but it’s not quite magical yet. I certainly did not thing like this when I started in the fandom. Back then, all that matters was telling the story. J. K. Rowling was my first teacher, and I borrowed from her some sort of writing skill. Fandom itself taught me a lot about the craft of writing. That was how I found out that I wasn’t a writer, only a storyteller. It also made me want to learn the craft, and maybe I will at some point.

• If you are an artist or craftsperson, how has your process been impacted by participating in fandom? Do you see yourself as having had an impact on how art and crafts are created or presented in fandom? If you are both artist and writer, what do you notice about how each part of your creative identity expresses itself and when?

My art didn’t change much by my participation in the fandom. It did give me reason to try new techniques and be bolder. Let’s say that I took from where I had left when I had stopped drawing years ago. I certainly have not changed the way fandom sees art, and that was never my intention. Art is just an extension of my creative self, something I learned I could do before I knew I could write. I believe the writer and artist go together within me. I’ve very visual in writing, and that’s easily expressed through art, too. Maybe being on the writing side of the fandom help me put into art moments of stories, getting the characters right in art.

• If you participate in fandom in multiple ways, what is it like for you to have these different roles? Do you find that you identify with one over another? For example, if you are both writer and moderator/admin on an archive or fest, what is it like to try to balance those parts of your identity?

I’ve discovered that being a moderator on an archive has nothing to do with the creative part of the fandom. In me, both personas were very distinct. It was like clicking a switch in my brain. I started as a writer in the fandom, so I identify more with writing than moderating, but before I joined the fandom, I was already involved in creating websites and interactive means on the internet, so was always something I enjoyed doing when I was a moderator. Balance was hard to achieve when I was being both, and usually the commitment of being a moderator had precedence, and it could be annoying because of that aspect. Other than that, being a moderator provided me with opportunities I would have never had if I had kept my participation in the fandom as a writer and artist only. I would do it again if I was given the chance to choose.

• What is it like your identity within fandom evolves or changes? This could occur in any number of ways. For example: moving away from modding or adminning to focus on creating; writing in a new genre after a long time writing in one that you’re comfortable in and that others recognize (and respond to); trying your hand at writing after being primarily an artist or admin or fest mod, or reader, or cheerleader… You get the picture.

My identity within the fandom has expanded since I started, and then it has shrunken to what it is now. Moving away from moderating has changed how I interact with the fandom, so my identity within it has also changed. I remember how the other way around had been, and I can say that it works both ways. When I became a moderator, a lot changed and it was all very new and exciting. The same happened when I wrote the first one-shot based on a prompt, or joined an exchange, or a fest… New things are always fun and great, I still think.

• What do you find you bring back into your non-fandom life from your fandom identity? What is it like to either strive to keep those worlds separate, or to invite them to influence one another (or something in between)? Has being part of fandom changed you? Opened up possibilities for yourself you’d never have considered, otherwise?

I bring back into my non-fandom life the friends, of course! I also bring back the challenging experiences as a personal growth. I’ve never strived to make my fandom life be separated from my real life, because that would be really difficult for me. I also don’t see the point for that. It helps me that I don’t write or draw anything my family or real friends would find offending or shocking. I started working on a military facility past November, and it was the only time I wondered if keeping my fandom life so close to my real life would be an issue, but then I realized I had nothing to hide, and it was a liberating thought. Many of my real-life friends came from the fandom, but some of my real-life friends are now in fandom. From that you might realize how much being in the fandom changed me, and I like to think that I changed for better. I would have never considered writing a novel if I hadn’t joined the fandom, and the support of my friends in it are essential. Thank you!

Thank you, machshefa and the other mods, for providing a feast for the thoughts. *hugs*