The game.
two posts in one nite, crazy. not like anyone reads this anyway... hah.
i was driving around tonite with my friend D talking about my relationship... weirdnesses. about how being a girl with all guy friends makes things complicated. it's very difficult to make that transition from "one of the boys".
there's been a lot of strangeness going on with me and boys these days, it's like i've just forgotten how to relate. D explained it best. "people like us, we know it's a game. we see it, we see the bullshit for what it is, and we just don't want to play. we can't help but want to shout fuck you at everyone else who's playing along. we just want to be allowed to be real, and move on." yes. well played mr. D. lucky for him, he landed himself an amazing wife who is just cool as shit, and he's out of The game. heh.
so that's my problem. one of the complicated-guys involved is, as D put it... smart enough to be aware of the bullshit, but he's fine playing along. he knows that if he plays it right, he can remain that big fish in the little pond, and keep odds stacked in his favor, even though he has no idea what he wants. one of these days, he'll be done... he won't want to play any more, and he'll look outside of The game and find himself someone real. but for now he's happy trying to land a girl how you're "supposed" to.
the other complicated-guy is just... a game unto himself. he's inventing his own rules... i've learned the signs over the years (steal third? run home!) and what they mean... but his "signals" have no connection to the way everyone else plays. what does it mean when you say this to me, or touch my arm a few too many times? i demand a copy of your rule book! its like... he sees through it, and instead of shouting fuck you like me and D, he's gone the other direction and just decided to make things more complicated, as a buffer.
and then add me to the mix. no, i don't want to play. i WANT to be allowed to be straight forward, and be myself. i want to be able to curl up with you, and know that... this is the part where one of us makes a move. i want to be able to... feel wanted, not just scared shitless that i'm reading way too much into nothing. so i solve that by just not doing anything. with my guy friends, i'm very physical! there's hugs and kisses, butt pinches, wrestling matches, the occasional spanking... hah. but get it into my head that i like someone, and i go on like... lock-down. all of a sudden, i find myself worrying about how THEY'RE interpreting what i'm doing, or some other bullshit. its like.. by NOT wanting to play along, i've made it more complicated by trying to figure out how to join in from the outside.
*anyone reading this: does ANY of this make sense??*
WHY is this such a complicated thing, why is it always a game? hi, i think you're really amazing and i'd like to kiss you now, how 'bout that?
secret: i'm too chicken-shit to say that to anyone.
i was driving around tonite with my friend D talking about my relationship... weirdnesses. about how being a girl with all guy friends makes things complicated. it's very difficult to make that transition from "one of the boys".
there's been a lot of strangeness going on with me and boys these days, it's like i've just forgotten how to relate. D explained it best. "people like us, we know it's a game. we see it, we see the bullshit for what it is, and we just don't want to play. we can't help but want to shout fuck you at everyone else who's playing along. we just want to be allowed to be real, and move on." yes. well played mr. D. lucky for him, he landed himself an amazing wife who is just cool as shit, and he's out of The game. heh.
so that's my problem. one of the complicated-guys involved is, as D put it... smart enough to be aware of the bullshit, but he's fine playing along. he knows that if he plays it right, he can remain that big fish in the little pond, and keep odds stacked in his favor, even though he has no idea what he wants. one of these days, he'll be done... he won't want to play any more, and he'll look outside of The game and find himself someone real. but for now he's happy trying to land a girl how you're "supposed" to.
the other complicated-guy is just... a game unto himself. he's inventing his own rules... i've learned the signs over the years (steal third? run home!) and what they mean... but his "signals" have no connection to the way everyone else plays. what does it mean when you say this to me, or touch my arm a few too many times? i demand a copy of your rule book! its like... he sees through it, and instead of shouting fuck you like me and D, he's gone the other direction and just decided to make things more complicated, as a buffer.
and then add me to the mix. no, i don't want to play. i WANT to be allowed to be straight forward, and be myself. i want to be able to curl up with you, and know that... this is the part where one of us makes a move. i want to be able to... feel wanted, not just scared shitless that i'm reading way too much into nothing. so i solve that by just not doing anything. with my guy friends, i'm very physical! there's hugs and kisses, butt pinches, wrestling matches, the occasional spanking... hah. but get it into my head that i like someone, and i go on like... lock-down. all of a sudden, i find myself worrying about how THEY'RE interpreting what i'm doing, or some other bullshit. its like.. by NOT wanting to play along, i've made it more complicated by trying to figure out how to join in from the outside.
*anyone reading this: does ANY of this make sense??*
WHY is this such a complicated thing, why is it always a game? hi, i think you're really amazing and i'd like to kiss you now, how 'bout that?
secret: i'm too chicken-shit to say that to anyone.