You know those days...
Where you get up, and you just know its going to be a weird day? Well, today was one of those days.
I felt utterly retarded. Like everything I said or did came out horribly wrong. I couldn't even buy a CD player without messing that up.
I got this really nice message about how courageous I am to be able to be myself and not hide my gayness. Whoo-pee. Look at me, I'm gay.
I dunno, my life is running on "ridiculous" right now. Like, I dont even know what its going to do next. Its... run of the mill crazy.
I'm just... so... antsy. Like, I literally feel like there's something huge and black and its chasing me and chasing me... and I dont know how to escape it. Like... Its following me and creating chaos where there used to be happiness.
Well - Wait. I was about to say that one thing is going well. But if that's also part of the chaos... That's really depressing to think about. I mean... Apparently we're getting along really well... Almost boyfriend-ish well, but yeah, that hasn't been brought up for obvious reasons. Wait, this doesn't make sense to anyone but me... Blah, who cares. Those of you who really know, know... Yeah, I think I might be making a dire mistake once again. But, meh, I've been known to bounce back from those occassionaly. I think that might be a major issue in my life right now - the idea that He and I might actually be... becoming friendly... and more than just that. Oh my God, I dont even want to think about it. Whatever, I dont know. I'm really upset that I'm thinking these retarded thoughts. I should just back-track and read previous entries, no? :-)
I dont know what else to say. Honestly, its been a whirling mass of unadultered chaos. Big and black and shiny. I miss the natural colors, the pinks and greens and yellows and blues, that used to follow me - those happy happy days. I haven't been truly happy in a few weeks... And its nobody's fault but my own. I need to do something about this.
Maybe I need just an eeensy lil bit of help.... EEEEENSY, I promise you...
-Fern
I felt utterly retarded. Like everything I said or did came out horribly wrong. I couldn't even buy a CD player without messing that up.
I got this really nice message about how courageous I am to be able to be myself and not hide my gayness. Whoo-pee. Look at me, I'm gay.
I dunno, my life is running on "ridiculous" right now. Like, I dont even know what its going to do next. Its... run of the mill crazy.
I'm just... so... antsy. Like, I literally feel like there's something huge and black and its chasing me and chasing me... and I dont know how to escape it. Like... Its following me and creating chaos where there used to be happiness.
Well - Wait. I was about to say that one thing is going well. But if that's also part of the chaos... That's really depressing to think about. I mean... Apparently we're getting along really well... Almost boyfriend-ish well, but yeah, that hasn't been brought up for obvious reasons. Wait, this doesn't make sense to anyone but me... Blah, who cares. Those of you who really know, know... Yeah, I think I might be making a dire mistake once again. But, meh, I've been known to bounce back from those occassionaly. I think that might be a major issue in my life right now - the idea that He and I might actually be... becoming friendly... and more than just that. Oh my God, I dont even want to think about it. Whatever, I dont know. I'm really upset that I'm thinking these retarded thoughts. I should just back-track and read previous entries, no? :-)
I dont know what else to say. Honestly, its been a whirling mass of unadultered chaos. Big and black and shiny. I miss the natural colors, the pinks and greens and yellows and blues, that used to follow me - those happy happy days. I haven't been truly happy in a few weeks... And its nobody's fault but my own. I need to do something about this.
Maybe I need just an eeensy lil bit of help.... EEEEENSY, I promise you...
-Fern