(no subject)
Dreams - dreams are your secret desires and your boundless fears. You can wake up afraid for your life, you can wake up heavy-hearted, you can wake up with excitement for a new day. Dreams are one of the least understood parts of humanity, and yet they can affect us in ways we couldn't expect.
Of course, I find when I'm depressed or generally in a low place, the worst dreams are the good dreams. The ones of success, happiness, a life of ease and pleasure. The ones where you have it all. Those are the ones you don't want to wake up from, even when you realize what's happening. Once you wake up, it's all gone. You see the lie for what it was. It's like you lost everything without even having it.
And yet, at the same time, I know that I really COULD do what I want... it's possible, it's available to me. It's all there for the taking. I know I have the potential, and yet... I don't know, it's like once I screw something up, I don't feel I deserve to get anything right. The biggest gap between Casey and I was always how easy I had it versus how hard her life was. I could never understand the way she lived, having to fight for everything that I was pretty much given on a silver platter. Is it that I expect life to come to me? Have I been so spoiled that even if it's just out of my reach, I can't be bothered to move myself forward an inch to grab onto that prize of achievement? Do I even deserve what I have? It is this line of questioning that leads me to the self-destruction that I wreak upon myself day after day.
And yet, what's worst about the whole situation is that, as I know these stories of someone who not only survived, but is fighting for their life every day, I become even more ashamed of my complacency and flat out laziness in life. I feel like I don't deserve even the small successes, even the ones I earned. So I go out of my way to achieve anonymous successes. Usually the type involving large monetary donations, because that's about the only way you can help anyone achieve something without actually being recognized. Plus there is the bonus of giving that to someone who clearly needs that more than yourself. Except, of course, I'm talking about it here, so I must have some secret self-aggrandizing desires inside the whole situation anyway. Which, of course, makes me feel bad about it again. Why can't I just make myself happy with no strings attached?
***
One other thing I wanted to get out there that I've been thinking about. A friend of mine just got divorced. When I helped her move, she would talk about how, near the end, her husband (who was really my friend first... but that's a whole other situation) just seemed to be so selfish all the time. But I realized that it wasn't actually selfishness, exactly. He being quite similar to myself, I recognized it for what it was. He lives in his own world, and sometimes the real world just doesn't penetrate that shell. Even though I knew this was the case and I knew it could be dangerous, I was still kind of petrified to see the damage it caused. It's one thing to be yourself, but it's another thing to never leave that zone... is it a comfort zone, meant to protect you from life and its dangers? Or is it a world where you are the ultimate being and everything you do is right, even if this feeling is subconscious? What can take you out of that place? Maybe that realization was enough, to see the harm it did to others, and maybe if I struggle just enough I'll break through and see the world through someone else's eyes for once. I don't know... maybe that's enough rambling for today. I need to go move things away from windows and take out the trash so that Madame Hurricane doesn't kick my ass.
Of course, I find when I'm depressed or generally in a low place, the worst dreams are the good dreams. The ones of success, happiness, a life of ease and pleasure. The ones where you have it all. Those are the ones you don't want to wake up from, even when you realize what's happening. Once you wake up, it's all gone. You see the lie for what it was. It's like you lost everything without even having it.
And yet, at the same time, I know that I really COULD do what I want... it's possible, it's available to me. It's all there for the taking. I know I have the potential, and yet... I don't know, it's like once I screw something up, I don't feel I deserve to get anything right. The biggest gap between Casey and I was always how easy I had it versus how hard her life was. I could never understand the way she lived, having to fight for everything that I was pretty much given on a silver platter. Is it that I expect life to come to me? Have I been so spoiled that even if it's just out of my reach, I can't be bothered to move myself forward an inch to grab onto that prize of achievement? Do I even deserve what I have? It is this line of questioning that leads me to the self-destruction that I wreak upon myself day after day.
And yet, what's worst about the whole situation is that, as I know these stories of someone who not only survived, but is fighting for their life every day, I become even more ashamed of my complacency and flat out laziness in life. I feel like I don't deserve even the small successes, even the ones I earned. So I go out of my way to achieve anonymous successes. Usually the type involving large monetary donations, because that's about the only way you can help anyone achieve something without actually being recognized. Plus there is the bonus of giving that to someone who clearly needs that more than yourself. Except, of course, I'm talking about it here, so I must have some secret self-aggrandizing desires inside the whole situation anyway. Which, of course, makes me feel bad about it again. Why can't I just make myself happy with no strings attached?
***
One other thing I wanted to get out there that I've been thinking about. A friend of mine just got divorced. When I helped her move, she would talk about how, near the end, her husband (who was really my friend first... but that's a whole other situation) just seemed to be so selfish all the time. But I realized that it wasn't actually selfishness, exactly. He being quite similar to myself, I recognized it for what it was. He lives in his own world, and sometimes the real world just doesn't penetrate that shell. Even though I knew this was the case and I knew it could be dangerous, I was still kind of petrified to see the damage it caused. It's one thing to be yourself, but it's another thing to never leave that zone... is it a comfort zone, meant to protect you from life and its dangers? Or is it a world where you are the ultimate being and everything you do is right, even if this feeling is subconscious? What can take you out of that place? Maybe that realization was enough, to see the harm it did to others, and maybe if I struggle just enough I'll break through and see the world through someone else's eyes for once. I don't know... maybe that's enough rambling for today. I need to go move things away from windows and take out the trash so that Madame Hurricane doesn't kick my ass.