(no subject)
I'm too emotional right now to write a proper entry. Emotional, and at the same time very detached and apathetic. So I shall summarize and yet be cryptic, since after all that's what everyone else is doing. So onto the proverbial bandwagon, I jump.
Oh, but for your convenience, here's what I did this weekend:
Saturday - worked 11-7, wanted to go out but people were busy. talked to Kas.
Sunday - went to see Star Wars with the Bill, got food.
Today - slept in until 10, went to forensics but he was proctoring, went to Ms. Baseman's room and sorted out a drawer for her, came back and was pseudoscolded by Magner. went to NHS, went to Read Cat's Cradle by Self aka English, then chorus where cordell was bitchy. then to Hershey rehearsal, sort of got the solo but sort of didn't. then went to the gym, then sort of stormed into the house.
I'm very out of the loop, and cast aside, and sort of...abandoned. I know my ever-so-loving audience will just take that as yet another search for pity, but it isn't, so if you thought that...you can just leave me alone. You have been.
Anyhow...the SAT sucks. I'm not going to post my scores, at least not now, because I know that if I do, everyone will be like STFU YOU FUCKING PIECE OF ANNOYANCE for my complaining. I'm not satisfied. I'll leave it at that. And I did a lot worse on the stupid writing that I'd expected, never mind wished. Essay scorers conceded that my thrown-together piece of shit was pretty good but not exemplary. I think they were easy on me, if I can remember correctly. Math was basically as I'd expected, maybe a little worse but just like 20 pts. Critical reading was a tiny bit better than I'd expected. Eh. Doesn't matter.
Stupid, stupid SAT. And the thing is, it doesn't matter for my major anyway. But it's still something I thought I might be good at (shut up, yes I KNOW I got that stupid PSAT thing). Ugh.
But yes, this was supposed to be a summary...so I'm really stressed about the seniors leaving. School is pretty much nothing, it has been since the AP tests, really, but now it's nothing-by-myself. Which isn't terribly fun. It was incredibly strange, having them just not be there today...which was just a preview of Thursday+. It's impossible to believe that we still have an entire month of school left. And finals. Seriously. Final exams. ON WHAT? I have...Psychology (which had better be a project), Math (*dies*), and an essay for Chorus. I have a project in Spanish and Lit. GAH.
But most aggravating is the whole friendship-structure-deal. I have friends who are the closest to me that any two people have ever been, and they're leaving me (practically) forever in <2 days. I'm numb to it. The Norton and I, though granted we only saw each other in class today, are treating each other almost purely professionally, which worries me. As selfish as it is, she was my friend before she was Kassie's, and it seems that she favors Kas more...and now it looks like she only appreciates me outside of school in the sense that I'm Kassie's friend. Bill and I went out last night, and that alone was confusing enough. I have no idea how I'm saying goodbye to him. Our friendship has just become so complicated this year, that I don't know anything concrete about it anymore.
I have others who've become close to me lately, but it's a strange sort of closeness. There's so much distance I almost don't want to bother, you know? I feel as if I'm scaring them off, either with my physicality or my obviously abrasive personality. It's almost not worth establishing new connections this late anyway, is it? Especially when...well, whatever.
I just feel a lot of last year just coming back to hit me, this dense cloud of worthlessness descending...and I'd thought I'd beaten that. Not all of it, of course, but the mental side of it. And I haven't.
Life on the diplomacy front has been...well, sufficient. I suppose. There's just kind of...nothing.
Things I'm going to do to quell these feelings? Re-read my livejournals (cautioncaffeine and goshdarnspiffy) from years past, maybe delete memes/surveys, maybe retake them. Possibly (if my dad will let me) work on the seniors' video project thinger. Probably just sit and sulk and, since I mistyped it as such, suck.
This doesn't even deserve a 'bah'. And today was supposed to be good.
Oh, but for your convenience, here's what I did this weekend:
Saturday - worked 11-7, wanted to go out but people were busy. talked to Kas.
Sunday - went to see Star Wars with the Bill, got food.
Today - slept in until 10, went to forensics but he was proctoring, went to Ms. Baseman's room and sorted out a drawer for her, came back and was pseudoscolded by Magner. went to NHS, went to Read Cat's Cradle by Self aka English, then chorus where cordell was bitchy. then to Hershey rehearsal, sort of got the solo but sort of didn't. then went to the gym, then sort of stormed into the house.
I'm very out of the loop, and cast aside, and sort of...abandoned. I know my ever-so-loving audience will just take that as yet another search for pity, but it isn't, so if you thought that...you can just leave me alone. You have been.
Anyhow...the SAT sucks. I'm not going to post my scores, at least not now, because I know that if I do, everyone will be like STFU YOU FUCKING PIECE OF ANNOYANCE for my complaining. I'm not satisfied. I'll leave it at that. And I did a lot worse on the stupid writing that I'd expected, never mind wished. Essay scorers conceded that my thrown-together piece of shit was pretty good but not exemplary. I think they were easy on me, if I can remember correctly. Math was basically as I'd expected, maybe a little worse but just like 20 pts. Critical reading was a tiny bit better than I'd expected. Eh. Doesn't matter.
Stupid, stupid SAT. And the thing is, it doesn't matter for my major anyway. But it's still something I thought I might be good at (shut up, yes I KNOW I got that stupid PSAT thing). Ugh.
But yes, this was supposed to be a summary...so I'm really stressed about the seniors leaving. School is pretty much nothing, it has been since the AP tests, really, but now it's nothing-by-myself. Which isn't terribly fun. It was incredibly strange, having them just not be there today...which was just a preview of Thursday+. It's impossible to believe that we still have an entire month of school left. And finals. Seriously. Final exams. ON WHAT? I have...Psychology (which had better be a project), Math (*dies*), and an essay for Chorus. I have a project in Spanish and Lit. GAH.
But most aggravating is the whole friendship-structure-deal. I have friends who are the closest to me that any two people have ever been, and they're leaving me (practically) forever in <2 days. I'm numb to it. The Norton and I, though granted we only saw each other in class today, are treating each other almost purely professionally, which worries me. As selfish as it is, she was my friend before she was Kassie's, and it seems that she favors Kas more...and now it looks like she only appreciates me outside of school in the sense that I'm Kassie's friend. Bill and I went out last night, and that alone was confusing enough. I have no idea how I'm saying goodbye to him. Our friendship has just become so complicated this year, that I don't know anything concrete about it anymore.
I have others who've become close to me lately, but it's a strange sort of closeness. There's so much distance I almost don't want to bother, you know? I feel as if I'm scaring them off, either with my physicality or my obviously abrasive personality. It's almost not worth establishing new connections this late anyway, is it? Especially when...well, whatever.
I just feel a lot of last year just coming back to hit me, this dense cloud of worthlessness descending...and I'd thought I'd beaten that. Not all of it, of course, but the mental side of it. And I haven't.
Life on the diplomacy front has been...well, sufficient. I suppose. There's just kind of...nothing.
Things I'm going to do to quell these feelings? Re-read my livejournals (cautioncaffeine and goshdarnspiffy) from years past, maybe delete memes/surveys, maybe retake them. Possibly (if my dad will let me) work on the seniors' video project thinger. Probably just sit and sulk and, since I mistyped it as such, suck.
This doesn't even deserve a 'bah'. And today was supposed to be good.