i think positive. no ones going to read this whole thing.
the past days have been out of hand. i cant pick one specific word to describe the chaos other than its nothing new. last night i was so angry at my mom and sister. she was on the computer like she is every day. i asked her for a whole hour if i could use it for hw. i lost it and i just went on a walk to cool down. i ended up just sitting in this field and crying. i didnt know what i was going to do or anything like that. then i started thinking about how much i used to talk to mr kruze about all my family problems but i stopped bc i cant depend on him. especially after i get outta highschool. i came to the conclusion that im going to make it in life. im going to prove my mom and everyone else wrong. i have this drive that im so determined. ive realized over the years to be my own best friend and not to trust anyone with everything about you. i used to think yea right i can trust whoever i want. i always thought that what people said wasnt true.
i have learned to rise above all of this and be myself. i know myself better than anyone else and its going to stay that way. my mom is useless to me and i cant wait to get away from her. i have this uneasy and creepy feeling that she is going to get back with joe. i just have a feeling and i have dreams about it sometimes too. she thinks that im into drugs, im a drunk, im so jealous of kaylee, im dumb.. i realized a while ago and fast to not do things for her but for myself. there is no pleasing her. im the perfect kid, i like to think so even though its not totally true but considering, and she still favors my sister over me. i dont care what she says i have nothing to be jealous about.
after i returned from my walk i was able to finally after another hour of being out of the house, to get on the computer. i checked my email and righteous babe records emailed me back. i was psiked. i emailed them and told them what i wanted to do after highschool and basically thery gave me pointers on what to do. i admir ani difranco and righteous babe so much for their never failing efforts. i didnt expect to get an email back let alone a personal one who someone sat down and took the time to write themselves. it turned my worst day ever into one of the best ever. im excited about college. im excited to start my own life and live on my own. sure its going to be hard but ill learn. sure its going to get depressing, challenging and all that but id do anything to get out of this place.
right now im contemplating ferdonia. i was thinking about mcc and boston but now im serious about ferdonia. so i plan on applying there. im going to stay after shcool starting monday hopefully almsot every day or every day that i can and tlak to the college/career administrators about college and see if i can get help with applications and stuff like that. im so clueless.
senior project. so far, right now i asked mr leary to be my mentor. he said he was someone elses already but he said if he was mine too that id have to start soon, stick to if not be ahead of deadlines, be willing to work hard and that i cant use class time to edit. i understand that. i told him i was planning on getting my own camera soon. i dont wanna spend any more than $300 on one. its important but not that important. plus i dont know what i can do for editing. ill have to talk to my mom and ask her if shed be willing to bring me back and forth to fairport or something. itll be a cold day in hell before that happens, im sure. anyways my plan is to do like 4 sr projects into one haha. i wanted to make a short film. then mr leary said to stick to 3 5 min pieces or 5 3 min pie es or something like that becaus eitll take too long to complete. i was going to show the short film at a local theatre like he gave me the idea to do. then i asked my friend lindsey. she said she shadowed her fave local band and did it on musical performance and then played her guitar.
last night when i was upset i was able to talk to jeff about things. jeff is the best to tlak to by the way. he turned my head back to my guitar and now ive been thinking about starting that up again. i think ill do that anyways, even if its not for sr project. id do it for life. but then i was thinking i could combine the two and make a short film on music and a band but i dont know what i could write it about. any ideas? i wanted to have a band show but by word on the street i guess everyone is doing a music/band thing. i talked to my friend karrah today and she said shes probably going to record a cd. that'd be pretty cool. everyone says she has a good voice but i havent really heard her play. i also thought about doing it on not doing drugs but making it influencial and not corny like all the other anti drug movies are. i think ill stick to the music and film thing though. it has to benefit the community too so im not sure what im going to do as far as that.
i think things will work out. hopefull they will. i just have to make up my mind on what im going to do. im excited and the things i want to do are going to be so challenging but so worthwhile. i wanted to stick with something with film because i dont want to forget all teh things were learning right now. i want to be able to pull those things off the top of my head and know more than other people around me. for once.
and work. i quit dibellas. my alst day was sposed to be wednesday but they said they didnt need anyone else to comein that they had too many workers and they were slow. whatever but im not complaining. tonight work was so fun though. i worked with amy and david. i basically get paid to have fun, laugh, and make fun of people. im glad that usually where ever i am i seem to always make the best of things and laugh a lot.
this weekend i have to get tickets for the early november show. i asked jeff and danielle to go. im so excited. i love early november and ive never seen them at a show before. only on tv. then i guess i might go with jeff and emily to the coheed show for her birthday. im excited bc the last big show i went to was taking back sunday in november and then ani difranco in december. i dont get out much. can you tell?
i have learned to rise above all of this and be myself. i know myself better than anyone else and its going to stay that way. my mom is useless to me and i cant wait to get away from her. i have this uneasy and creepy feeling that she is going to get back with joe. i just have a feeling and i have dreams about it sometimes too. she thinks that im into drugs, im a drunk, im so jealous of kaylee, im dumb.. i realized a while ago and fast to not do things for her but for myself. there is no pleasing her. im the perfect kid, i like to think so even though its not totally true but considering, and she still favors my sister over me. i dont care what she says i have nothing to be jealous about.
after i returned from my walk i was able to finally after another hour of being out of the house, to get on the computer. i checked my email and righteous babe records emailed me back. i was psiked. i emailed them and told them what i wanted to do after highschool and basically thery gave me pointers on what to do. i admir ani difranco and righteous babe so much for their never failing efforts. i didnt expect to get an email back let alone a personal one who someone sat down and took the time to write themselves. it turned my worst day ever into one of the best ever. im excited about college. im excited to start my own life and live on my own. sure its going to be hard but ill learn. sure its going to get depressing, challenging and all that but id do anything to get out of this place.
right now im contemplating ferdonia. i was thinking about mcc and boston but now im serious about ferdonia. so i plan on applying there. im going to stay after shcool starting monday hopefully almsot every day or every day that i can and tlak to the college/career administrators about college and see if i can get help with applications and stuff like that. im so clueless.
senior project. so far, right now i asked mr leary to be my mentor. he said he was someone elses already but he said if he was mine too that id have to start soon, stick to if not be ahead of deadlines, be willing to work hard and that i cant use class time to edit. i understand that. i told him i was planning on getting my own camera soon. i dont wanna spend any more than $300 on one. its important but not that important. plus i dont know what i can do for editing. ill have to talk to my mom and ask her if shed be willing to bring me back and forth to fairport or something. itll be a cold day in hell before that happens, im sure. anyways my plan is to do like 4 sr projects into one haha. i wanted to make a short film. then mr leary said to stick to 3 5 min pieces or 5 3 min pie es or something like that becaus eitll take too long to complete. i was going to show the short film at a local theatre like he gave me the idea to do. then i asked my friend lindsey. she said she shadowed her fave local band and did it on musical performance and then played her guitar.
last night when i was upset i was able to talk to jeff about things. jeff is the best to tlak to by the way. he turned my head back to my guitar and now ive been thinking about starting that up again. i think ill do that anyways, even if its not for sr project. id do it for life. but then i was thinking i could combine the two and make a short film on music and a band but i dont know what i could write it about. any ideas? i wanted to have a band show but by word on the street i guess everyone is doing a music/band thing. i talked to my friend karrah today and she said shes probably going to record a cd. that'd be pretty cool. everyone says she has a good voice but i havent really heard her play. i also thought about doing it on not doing drugs but making it influencial and not corny like all the other anti drug movies are. i think ill stick to the music and film thing though. it has to benefit the community too so im not sure what im going to do as far as that.
i think things will work out. hopefull they will. i just have to make up my mind on what im going to do. im excited and the things i want to do are going to be so challenging but so worthwhile. i wanted to stick with something with film because i dont want to forget all teh things were learning right now. i want to be able to pull those things off the top of my head and know more than other people around me. for once.
and work. i quit dibellas. my alst day was sposed to be wednesday but they said they didnt need anyone else to comein that they had too many workers and they were slow. whatever but im not complaining. tonight work was so fun though. i worked with amy and david. i basically get paid to have fun, laugh, and make fun of people. im glad that usually where ever i am i seem to always make the best of things and laugh a lot.
this weekend i have to get tickets for the early november show. i asked jeff and danielle to go. im so excited. i love early november and ive never seen them at a show before. only on tv. then i guess i might go with jeff and emily to the coheed show for her birthday. im excited bc the last big show i went to was taking back sunday in november and then ani difranco in december. i dont get out much. can you tell?