Filks
Well, I've decided to make this journal the repository of all my Ace Attorney fanstuff. To start with, song lyrics
I wrote this first one a while back, and people seemed to like it. Somebody even liked it so much that they plagiarized it and posted it on fanfiction.net!
The Demon Prosecutor's Song
(To the tune of "The Major-General's Song," by Gilbert and Sullivan:)
EDGEWORTH. I am the very model of a D. A. demoniacal,
My sister's slightly twisted, and mentor was maniacal -
I understand, then wave a hand - with subtle gestures hush you all -
Until you contradict me, in which case, I'm forced to crush you all -
I coach the witnesses with care, and set my traps methodically,
And even make a point of glaring at you periodically,
Your bluffing, though theatrical, was never a delay to me...
(Edgeworth stops short. Delay to me? Say "hey" to me? Aha! He has it!)
But don't you even mention the cursed name of Misty Fey to me!
JUDGE AND JURY. But don't you ever mention the accursed name of Fey you see,
You never, ever mention the accursed name of Fey, you see,
You never, ever mention that accursed name of Fey, of Fey, you see!
EDGEWORTH. My timing and my fashion sense are equally impeccable -
PHOENIX. I'd say that the cravat is something more like "what-the-heck-able..."
EDGEWORTH. (glares) But my fervor and my stubbornness are equally maniacal -
I am the very model of a D. A. demoniacal!
PHOENIX. (aside to audience) He is the very model of a unsure homosexual -
A foppish, distant, fashion-flaunting courtroom intellectual,
I think that his repression is the thing that's really driven him -
And why does he keep mentioning "strange feelings" that I've given him?
The ladies never disconcert him, never make him nervouser,
And what is with that handsome bellboy who's become his servicer?
I never saw a straight man who waved fingers, stood, and sat like that -
And never, ever, ever would one wear a tri-cravat like that!
CHORUS. And never would a straight man wear an overfrilled cravat like that -
You'll never see a straight man wear a frilly white cravat like that -
We think that Liberace might have worn a triple-tied cravat like that!
PHOENIX. The truth is, in a game like this, that sales-demographically,
That gay love must be kept implied, and preferably sapphically.
So Capcom, I can't kiss the guy, if only to protect you all -
But, rest assured, he is a modern courtroom homosexual!
---
I'd Do Anything (to Win)
(To the tune of "I'd Do Anything (for You)" from Oliver!:)
MANFRED.
I'd do anything
To win here, anything,
To win is everything to me!
I tell you, I'd hide evidence,
And de-ny evidence,
And I'd forge evidence with glee!
LARRY. Would you rob my pad?
MANFRED. Anything!
EDGEWORTH. Would you shoot my dad?
MANFRED. Anything!
PEARL. Would you make me sad? (sniffles)
MANFRED. Anything!
JUDGE. Even dress in plaid?
MANFRED. What, tackiness?!
But I say...
I'd do anything,
To crush you, anything,
Yes, I'd do anything -
ALL. Anything?
MANFRED. Anything to win!
----
Objection
(To the tune of "Tomorrow," from Annie:)
I stand up and shout, "Objection!"
When their logic's faulty, shout "Objection,"
In their face!
When facing a rout, "Objection"
Finds the little subtle imperfection
In their case!
When my back's to the wall
And all
My hopes sink,
I just slam down my hand,
And stand
And say...
"That argument fails! Objection!"
There's no time for hesitant reflection -
Go for shock!
"Objection! Objection!
Sustain my objection!
Their evidence is a crock!"
---
Gumshoe
(To the tune of "Dumb Dog," from Annie)
MILES. Gumshoe,
Why are you following me?
Go sit on your thumb! Shoo!
Go loiter in the P.D.!
I'm not going to heed you,
Haven't the time for you -
Need you?
This is no crime for you!
Gumshoe,
Dressed up like a bum, shoo!
Go away, you hapless oaf,
Or I'm docking your pay!
---
Still Alive (in a sense)
(To the tune of "Still Alive," by Jonathan Coulton:)
DAHLIA. That was unpleasant,
And not at all worth the lobster plate.
The noose was much too tight and chafed like burlap.
Death was obnoxious,
And took every piece before checkmate.
Scything hurts like nothing else;
It's sharp and terribly cold.
But my execution was a minor delay.
I'll have retribution, I will crush Mia Fey!
She'll be burning in shame when I murder or frame
All her kindred who are still alive.
Plotting with Mother
And her insipid little brat,
I will manifest at Hazakura.
For thanks to possession,
There'll be time for tit-for-tat...
Afterwards, I'll go to town,
And have a big slice of cake.
With a plan this clever, I will get what I'm owed;
They won't spirit-sever me from my new abode.
I'll relax by the sea, flirt with Kristoph G. at tea,
And in Pearl, I'll be still alive!
Oh, believe me, I'll be quite alive,
Unlike some people, I'll be still alive,
Still alive!
I wrote this first one a while back, and people seemed to like it. Somebody even liked it so much that they plagiarized it and posted it on fanfiction.net!
The Demon Prosecutor's Song
(To the tune of "The Major-General's Song," by Gilbert and Sullivan:)
EDGEWORTH. I am the very model of a D. A. demoniacal,
My sister's slightly twisted, and mentor was maniacal -
I understand, then wave a hand - with subtle gestures hush you all -
Until you contradict me, in which case, I'm forced to crush you all -
I coach the witnesses with care, and set my traps methodically,
And even make a point of glaring at you periodically,
Your bluffing, though theatrical, was never a delay to me...
(Edgeworth stops short. Delay to me? Say "hey" to me? Aha! He has it!)
But don't you even mention the cursed name of Misty Fey to me!
JUDGE AND JURY. But don't you ever mention the accursed name of Fey you see,
You never, ever mention the accursed name of Fey, you see,
You never, ever mention that accursed name of Fey, of Fey, you see!
EDGEWORTH. My timing and my fashion sense are equally impeccable -
PHOENIX. I'd say that the cravat is something more like "what-the-heck-able..."
EDGEWORTH. (glares) But my fervor and my stubbornness are equally maniacal -
I am the very model of a D. A. demoniacal!
PHOENIX. (aside to audience) He is the very model of a unsure homosexual -
A foppish, distant, fashion-flaunting courtroom intellectual,
I think that his repression is the thing that's really driven him -
And why does he keep mentioning "strange feelings" that I've given him?
The ladies never disconcert him, never make him nervouser,
And what is with that handsome bellboy who's become his servicer?
I never saw a straight man who waved fingers, stood, and sat like that -
And never, ever, ever would one wear a tri-cravat like that!
CHORUS. And never would a straight man wear an overfrilled cravat like that -
You'll never see a straight man wear a frilly white cravat like that -
We think that Liberace might have worn a triple-tied cravat like that!
PHOENIX. The truth is, in a game like this, that sales-demographically,
That gay love must be kept implied, and preferably sapphically.
So Capcom, I can't kiss the guy, if only to protect you all -
But, rest assured, he is a modern courtroom homosexual!
---
I'd Do Anything (to Win)
(To the tune of "I'd Do Anything (for You)" from Oliver!:)
MANFRED.
I'd do anything
To win here, anything,
To win is everything to me!
I tell you, I'd hide evidence,
And de-ny evidence,
And I'd forge evidence with glee!
LARRY. Would you rob my pad?
MANFRED. Anything!
EDGEWORTH. Would you shoot my dad?
MANFRED. Anything!
PEARL. Would you make me sad? (sniffles)
MANFRED. Anything!
JUDGE. Even dress in plaid?
MANFRED. What, tackiness?!
But I say...
I'd do anything,
To crush you, anything,
Yes, I'd do anything -
ALL. Anything?
MANFRED. Anything to win!
----
Objection
(To the tune of "Tomorrow," from Annie:)
I stand up and shout, "Objection!"
When their logic's faulty, shout "Objection,"
In their face!
When facing a rout, "Objection"
Finds the little subtle imperfection
In their case!
When my back's to the wall
And all
My hopes sink,
I just slam down my hand,
And stand
And say...
"That argument fails! Objection!"
There's no time for hesitant reflection -
Go for shock!
"Objection! Objection!
Sustain my objection!
Their evidence is a crock!"
---
Gumshoe
(To the tune of "Dumb Dog," from Annie)
MILES. Gumshoe,
Why are you following me?
Go sit on your thumb! Shoo!
Go loiter in the P.D.!
I'm not going to heed you,
Haven't the time for you -
Need you?
This is no crime for you!
Gumshoe,
Dressed up like a bum, shoo!
Go away, you hapless oaf,
Or I'm docking your pay!
---
Still Alive (in a sense)
(To the tune of "Still Alive," by Jonathan Coulton:)
DAHLIA. That was unpleasant,
And not at all worth the lobster plate.
The noose was much too tight and chafed like burlap.
Death was obnoxious,
And took every piece before checkmate.
Scything hurts like nothing else;
It's sharp and terribly cold.
But my execution was a minor delay.
I'll have retribution, I will crush Mia Fey!
She'll be burning in shame when I murder or frame
All her kindred who are still alive.
Plotting with Mother
And her insipid little brat,
I will manifest at Hazakura.
For thanks to possession,
There'll be time for tit-for-tat...
Afterwards, I'll go to town,
And have a big slice of cake.
With a plan this clever, I will get what I'm owed;
They won't spirit-sever me from my new abode.
I'll relax by the sea, flirt with Kristoph G. at tea,
And in Pearl, I'll be still alive!
Oh, believe me, I'll be quite alive,
Unlike some people, I'll be still alive,
Still alive!