It's Like Praying... But On the Internet.
I'm calming down again. Yesterday I vowed not to be "productive" (read: burn up from compulsion to accomplish, but probably not get much done) and just let go... It was nice.
To put it bluntly, I want money and status. ( $$$$ and 8=====> )
Having just turned twenty-one years old, I am still a college junior. And I'm also still a bus-boy. A twenty-one year old busboy.
I have peers that are strippers who make $500 a night. I met a twenty-two year old humanities graduate this weekend who got a job at a brokerage firm through temping - and now they are paying for her certification training so she can start making commission (read: $$$+++). I know people slightly older than me who do bar work and make half a grand a week. I know a girl who dropped out of college and got a salary job, but now she's given that up and is back in school and working with less prestige. She tells me to get my degree and worry about this shit later.
She tells me this because I am a twenty-one year old busboy and my financial and social insecurity is filling my head with compulsive need to climb, climb, climb out of all I deem less than glamorous. A compulsion that at times leaves me delusional.
It's significant that this compulsion is based on insecurity. It's significant because it means I'm being stupid and should just friggin' relax.
However, my desire for money is starting to be based in purpose. This summer, I plan on doing a semester in LA. And a large part of me wants to not come back to this city. I part of me wants to move out there and establish myself and get away from absolutely everything I know. Put on some new shoes and start climbing that ladder. A part of me wants to finish school, and is worried if I leave Columbia in Chicago I won't be getting that little bachelor's degree. That I won't finish school out in California.
But leave behind my roots? I have yet to ever pay rent with my own sweat and blood. It's all student loans. Is this more illusion?
Another part of me wants to teach English in Japan for a year. Now that would be getting away from my roots, teach self-reliance, and put cash in my pockets. But it requires a bachelor's degree. Just a bachelor's degree, and that's it.
I don't want to ache for social status and money anymore. It's a waste of time. In fact, fear and aching in general is a waste of time. A distraction.
I see a huge fork in the road coming, and I approach, wrestling with compulsive desires and bullshit. Maybe what I need is the strength to make a decision and trust myself to live with it.
To put it bluntly, I want money and status. ( $$$$ and 8=====> )
Having just turned twenty-one years old, I am still a college junior. And I'm also still a bus-boy. A twenty-one year old busboy.
I have peers that are strippers who make $500 a night. I met a twenty-two year old humanities graduate this weekend who got a job at a brokerage firm through temping - and now they are paying for her certification training so she can start making commission (read: $$$+++). I know people slightly older than me who do bar work and make half a grand a week. I know a girl who dropped out of college and got a salary job, but now she's given that up and is back in school and working with less prestige. She tells me to get my degree and worry about this shit later.
She tells me this because I am a twenty-one year old busboy and my financial and social insecurity is filling my head with compulsive need to climb, climb, climb out of all I deem less than glamorous. A compulsion that at times leaves me delusional.
It's significant that this compulsion is based on insecurity. It's significant because it means I'm being stupid and should just friggin' relax.
However, my desire for money is starting to be based in purpose. This summer, I plan on doing a semester in LA. And a large part of me wants to not come back to this city. I part of me wants to move out there and establish myself and get away from absolutely everything I know. Put on some new shoes and start climbing that ladder. A part of me wants to finish school, and is worried if I leave Columbia in Chicago I won't be getting that little bachelor's degree. That I won't finish school out in California.
But leave behind my roots? I have yet to ever pay rent with my own sweat and blood. It's all student loans. Is this more illusion?
Another part of me wants to teach English in Japan for a year. Now that would be getting away from my roots, teach self-reliance, and put cash in my pockets. But it requires a bachelor's degree. Just a bachelor's degree, and that's it.
I don't want to ache for social status and money anymore. It's a waste of time. In fact, fear and aching in general is a waste of time. A distraction.
I see a huge fork in the road coming, and I approach, wrestling with compulsive desires and bullshit. Maybe what I need is the strength to make a decision and trust myself to live with it.