My thoughts on getting married - or rather, not.
I should start by saying that this post isn't aimed at anyone I know on here. It's utterly about getting this off my chest - because I don't seem to be able to get this through to the people who need to hear it.
So the backstory to this post is that, yesterday morning, I was addressed as "Mrs [Boyfriend's first name]" on the phone. I was equally horrified and amused by this, so I posted a status update on my Facebook saying so, thinking other people might find it kind of funny too.
All day, people commented on the update. The comments were all along the lines of "You should totally marry [the Underlord]!" or "When's the wedding?" or "Ooh, Have you set a date yet?" Ha ha ha you guys, now stop it.
It didn't fucking stop. Even after I posted another status update, this time along the lines of "I'm only posting this so that people stop commenting on the last one" - people continued to tell me how getting married was the greatest thing they ever did and how I should totally do it.
But here's the thing: I'm not going to get married. I don't want to get married.
This isn't just a case of Fera being her usual rebellious self. This isn't something I'm just saying to be edgy. This isn't something I'll grow out of when I'm older. This is something I have spent a long time thinking about, and discussing with my long-term partner.
I. Don't. Want. To. Get. Married.
I'm totally cool with other people getting married, if they want to (though I admit it always weirds me out a bit when women my age change their last names, but YMMV). When my friends or family members get hitched, I can't help but be incredibly happy for them. Finding the person you want to settle down with is wonderful. Being in love is wonderful. (I know because, despite not being married, I'm an adult in a long-term relationship.) I really enjoy weddings, too - I love seeing how they come together, how the couple uses it as a way of representing their personalities and the life they share. (My sekrit shame: geeky weddng websites, like Offbeat Bride. For example, check out this awesome, adorable, and nerdcore meme-based invitation.) So in short, if it's what you want, you should do it. I respect that decision.
Please respect mine.
When you go on about how I should totally get married, or that I'll change my mind one day, you are saying that I haven't made the right choice for myself. You are implying that my decision is not an adult one. You're implying that the problem is that I haven't thought of getting married, or, worse, that I'm waiting to be asked. In reality, I have discussed marriage, in detail, with my long term boyfriend, and we decided it's not for us. We decided that between us. We came up with a hundred reasons not to do it, and one reason to: people were pressuring us to. (And yeah, before anyone gets in there - being in love is great, but not a good enough reason for us.) We don't have kids (nor do we plan to, and there's a whole 'nother post in that), we don't own anything, we are lucky enough to not need to get married for insurance or immigration or medical purposes.
So every time you ask me when we're going to get married, despite hearing all this from me before, you're being really bloody rude. (And while we're on the subject, the same goes for every time you force me to go up to catch the bouquet at a wedding. I'm not single, OK? And I have no desire to catch the thing anyway. If it was tradition to throw a bottle of Cuban rum or a large stuffed crust pizza, then you might get me interested.)
It's not just that, either. It's the assumption that you know how happy we are. For all you know, we could be on the verge of splitting up. We could be sleeping in separate rooms. One of us could be acting abusively towards the other. (None of which is the case, but I'm talking hypothetically.) And - if you've ever been through a bad breakup then I suspect you'll know what I'm talking about here - when you break up with someone, part of the pain and sadness and humiliation comes from having to say, publicly and openly, that you were wrong about that person being a nice guy, or that you didn't leave sooner because you were scared, or whatever.
People going on about how lovely you are as a couple and how you should get ~*maaaaaaaaaaarried*~ makes this considerably harder.
It's not cute, you know? And yeah, some people like that kind of attention and those kinds of comments. I don't, and I've made it clear I don't, so JUST STOP.
If you've read this far, thank you for that, and *phew* - I feel a bit better now.
So the backstory to this post is that, yesterday morning, I was addressed as "Mrs [Boyfriend's first name]" on the phone. I was equally horrified and amused by this, so I posted a status update on my Facebook saying so, thinking other people might find it kind of funny too.
All day, people commented on the update. The comments were all along the lines of "You should totally marry [the Underlord]!" or "When's the wedding?" or "Ooh, Have you set a date yet?" Ha ha ha you guys, now stop it.
It didn't fucking stop. Even after I posted another status update, this time along the lines of "I'm only posting this so that people stop commenting on the last one" - people continued to tell me how getting married was the greatest thing they ever did and how I should totally do it.
But here's the thing: I'm not going to get married. I don't want to get married.
This isn't just a case of Fera being her usual rebellious self. This isn't something I'm just saying to be edgy. This isn't something I'll grow out of when I'm older. This is something I have spent a long time thinking about, and discussing with my long-term partner.
I. Don't. Want. To. Get. Married.
I'm totally cool with other people getting married, if they want to (though I admit it always weirds me out a bit when women my age change their last names, but YMMV). When my friends or family members get hitched, I can't help but be incredibly happy for them. Finding the person you want to settle down with is wonderful. Being in love is wonderful. (I know because, despite not being married, I'm an adult in a long-term relationship.) I really enjoy weddings, too - I love seeing how they come together, how the couple uses it as a way of representing their personalities and the life they share. (My sekrit shame: geeky weddng websites, like Offbeat Bride. For example, check out this awesome, adorable, and nerdcore meme-based invitation.) So in short, if it's what you want, you should do it. I respect that decision.
Please respect mine.
When you go on about how I should totally get married, or that I'll change my mind one day, you are saying that I haven't made the right choice for myself. You are implying that my decision is not an adult one. You're implying that the problem is that I haven't thought of getting married, or, worse, that I'm waiting to be asked. In reality, I have discussed marriage, in detail, with my long term boyfriend, and we decided it's not for us. We decided that between us. We came up with a hundred reasons not to do it, and one reason to: people were pressuring us to. (And yeah, before anyone gets in there - being in love is great, but not a good enough reason for us.) We don't have kids (nor do we plan to, and there's a whole 'nother post in that), we don't own anything, we are lucky enough to not need to get married for insurance or immigration or medical purposes.
So every time you ask me when we're going to get married, despite hearing all this from me before, you're being really bloody rude. (And while we're on the subject, the same goes for every time you force me to go up to catch the bouquet at a wedding. I'm not single, OK? And I have no desire to catch the thing anyway. If it was tradition to throw a bottle of Cuban rum or a large stuffed crust pizza, then you might get me interested.)
It's not just that, either. It's the assumption that you know how happy we are. For all you know, we could be on the verge of splitting up. We could be sleeping in separate rooms. One of us could be acting abusively towards the other. (None of which is the case, but I'm talking hypothetically.) And - if you've ever been through a bad breakup then I suspect you'll know what I'm talking about here - when you break up with someone, part of the pain and sadness and humiliation comes from having to say, publicly and openly, that you were wrong about that person being a nice guy, or that you didn't leave sooner because you were scared, or whatever.
People going on about how lovely you are as a couple and how you should get ~*maaaaaaaaaaarried*~ makes this considerably harder.
It's not cute, you know? And yeah, some people like that kind of attention and those kinds of comments. I don't, and I've made it clear I don't, so JUST STOP.
If you've read this far, thank you for that, and *phew* - I feel a bit better now.