Half-Blood Prince Uberwank: Chapter 11, Hermione's Helping Hand
I don't care about history
(Rock rock, rock n' roll high school)
'Cause that's not where I wanna be
(Rock rock, rock n' roll high school)
I just wanna have some kicks
I just wanna get some chicks
Rock rock rock rock
Rock n' roll high school
- The Ramones, "Rock 'n' Roll High School"
OK. So we start with some general discussion of how hard lessons are once you're in the 6th year, and how even Hermione, genius to end all geniuses, finds herself struggling. Which is fine, I remember lower sixth form being pretty tough at times, but the thing is - if classes this year are so demanding and they're having to do so much, you'd think they'd be learning loads, so why is that during the Neverending Camping Trip Of Doom in the final book, they don't seem to have any useful spells at their disposal? Or not enough useful spells at any rate, as they spend most of their time sitting on their asses doing sweet FA.
Anyway, so they're working like bastards, especially on non-verbal spells which are now a requirement in virtually every class. We learn that Harry regularly sees his classmates "purple in the face and straining as though they had overdosed on U-No-Poo", but of course he's clever enough to know that they're really trying to work non-verbal spells. Uh... I guess that's a relief? Because personally I wouldn't be entirely comfortable with a lead hero who genuinely believed his peers sat around in class trying to crap themselves on purpose... although I confess, the fact that this has come up at all is slightly worrying, you know? It's like... OK, it's kind of like this xkcd, although I'm aware that using xkcd to illustrate a point is a bit lazy.
One upshot of all of the above, in any case, is that our intrepid trio have thus far found no time to visit loveable fuckwit Hagrid, therefore postponing the inevitable moment when I have to find the energy to complain about how much he sucks. Finally, after Hermione invests some time in wangsting, they decide to go and visit the tedious oaf after this morning's quidditch tryouts. Exactly when this will be is not yet known, because as Harry notes, approximately a billion people have put their names down on the signup sheet or whatever. (Hermione points out that this is because they all fancy Harry, mainly because he's grown "about a foot" over the summer, which is surely a stupid exaggeration. I hope it's a stupid exaggeration, because if it isn't then a lot of really crap fic is suddenly kind of justified.)
So anyway, here's the thing, and this is something that, thankfully, I had no need to touch upon during the DH 'wank. I FUCKING HATE QUIDDITCH.
I like the idea of it. I like the idea that the wizarding world, as a society, is advanced and developed enough to have a sport everyone follows. It shows that being a wizard isn't just about having magic; it's also about having shared knowledge, shared cultural capital. I actually like the history JKR invented for the sport in Quidditch Through The Ages - the etymology of the word quidditch and the introduction of the snitch and so on. In theory, it's a nice way of illustrating wizarding society.
However, this doesn't make the quidditch chapters in any way pleasurable to read. Once you've done one match god, they are so boring. And in the long run it doesn't matter remotely that Harry is good at it, he never uses it or gets a job playing it or anything, so why bother, you know?
Meanwhile, back in the present, our trio are still at breakfast; the post birds arrive, bringing Harry a new potions book to replace the graffiti'd one he borrowed from Slughorn. He has a plan, though: he removes the covers from each book, switches them, and reattaches them, a plan guaranteed to fool anyone who doesn't actually, you know, open the book.
Hermione, meanwhile, has received her daily newspaper. The latest arrest is Stan Shunpike, the dismal mockney bus conductor who is totally not a death eater, but is enough of a tosspot to act like one if it makes him look cool. Our trio rule out the possibility that he's under the imperius curse, mainly because they know him so very well and this newspaper is such an unbiased source that of course it's accurately reporting what happened. As the internet prevents me from delivering these lines in my own whiny, sardonic tone of voice, I might as well point out that the last bit right there, that was sarcasm.
Nonetheless, our trio decide to talk about The War. We learn that some students have already been withdrawn from school, while others are on the verge of being brought home, and Hannah Abbott's mother has been killed (being me, I notice a possible plot hole in the way JKR tells this one: Hannah was pulled out of class to be told this, and nobody has seen her since, but in that case how do they know that's what she was told? Note, though, that I am leaving this one in brackets because it totally doesn't matter). Hermione notes that things are getting pretty serious now; I guess it's good that someone has noticed, even if they end up spending most of the book arsing about and making out with random people and ignoring The War for the most part.
They GTFO in the direction of the quidditch field. On the way, Lavender Brown smiles at Ron in a way that implies she wouldn't kick him out of bed; in response, Hermione gets her rage on. Little to discuss here, except possibly to remind the reader of a point I've made before, that JKR has a tendency to use jealousy to indicate ~*true love*~, so I'll move on.
On the pitch, it transpires that over 9000 people have turned up to try out for the team, most of whom are mere Harry fanboys and fangirls. Amongst those who aren't are Cormac McLaggen, a complete fuckwit, Katie Bell (who we know from previous books - she seems pretty sound) and Demelza Robins, a new find. These last two become chasers, alongside one Ginny Weasley - I didn't include her in the first list because let's face it, she's as much a Harry fangirl as anyone else who shows up. We do hear that she "outflew the competition" and scored seventeen goals, but given that there doesn't appear to have been a keeper at this point, I'm not sure that's such a special achievement. (And mainly, that just stinks of Mary-Sue-ness, doesn't it? This is one of those topics that's been done to death by this fandom already, so I won't go into it in huge detail, but... yeah.) There are also two beaters, neither of whom are in any way interesting or significant, so let's skip over them. The team so far sit in the stadium to watch the rest of the proceedings.
All that remains is for Harry to choose a keeper. The first five candidates all suck. The sixth, that epic cocknose McLaggen, does quite well, scoring four of five penalties before buggering up the last one and flying off in the wrong direction. Then it's Ron's go and he gets them all in. I told you quidditch was boring, didn't I? This is stupid. Anyway, this means that Ron is winrar and is on the team. McLaggen kicks off, claiming that Ginny gave Ron an easy ride (wait, I thought she was sitting on the stands watching? This chapter is full of little mini errors like that. I guess JKR hates it as much as I do). That's it, anyway, Ron's in the team, because it just isn't Gryffindor without an abundance of Weasleys.
Later, our trio are on their way to Hagrid's (oh... fffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu) when Ron mentions how weird it is that McLaggen missed one. In fact, it almost looked like he was hit with some kind of spell that made him miss that last shot. Hermione goes all red and won't say anything in response, so when we later discover that she did exactly that it comes as no kind of shock at all. Oh well. Ron doesn't notice, in any case, because he's too busy describing exactly what just happened as if the others weren't there.
Next they reach Hagrid's house and I am struck by the compulsion to drown myself. They greet Buckbeak, which prompts Hagrid to come outside to make sure they're not baiting it. When he sees it's them, he flounces back into his hut. The end of the world is nigh, for a book detailing a bitch-fight between a dumbass half-giant and three annoying teenagers has actually been published.
Harry, ever the big damn hero, tries to break down Hagrid's door. Hagrid threatens to break his face or give him detention or something. There's a brief bit of outwitting involving Harry calling Hagrid "sir" or something, and he relents and lets them in, though he grumps about the place and makes vaguely passive-aggressive comments about them not taking his crappy, stupid, useless class. This continues while he gives them tea and cakes, and peels potatoes, and finally he relents and decides he likes them again when it emerges that the annoying, stupid giant spider he keeps in the forest is dying; someone has enticed it onto a giant piece of paper and placed an enormous glass over it, and there is nothing that can be done for it. Hagrid cries, and says that he doesn't know what he'll do when it dies, because they've "bin tergether so long", implying that he's in some kind of relationship with the spider. (Which explains a few things, actually.)
Anyway, once that's out, Hagrid cheers up and seems to forgive them, saying that they probably couldn't have fit the class into their timetables even if they'd applied for time-turners, which in turn seems to be merely an excuse for JKR, through Hermione's mouth, to explain that the entire stock of time-turners was smashed during the altercation at the ministry at the end of the last book, just in case anyone was thinking of getting hold of one and using it to travel back in time to stop Voldemort or anything.
Luckily for me, the entire afternoon passes quickly and I am spared having to comment on Hagrid any more. Our intrepid trio head for dinner, passing McLaggen, who is failing to use a doorway. Despite the fact that this is not atypical behaviour for your average Hogwarts student, Hermione 'fesses up to having put a spell on him to make him fail at quidditch. Harry passes some kind of moral judgement on her. Whatever. Then Slughorn shows up and asks Harry and Hermione to dinner, ignoring Ron. Harry can't go because he's got detention with Snape. Hermione feels obliged to go on her own, even though surely she could just say she's got plans or something, only she's kind of a terrible liar. GOD I CARE SO LITTLE. THIS IS SO BORING.
After they eat dinner, they read the paper, which is also ludicrously boring, especially as they already read the paper this morning. We learn that Ron's dad has searched Malfoy Manor and not found anything. Well, that was worthwhile. Harry starts ranting on about Draco and how he probably smuggled some evil object into school, only it turns out they were all searched when they arrived, so he couldn't have done. Well, I say they were all searched - Harry, turning up ten or fifteen minutes late, wasn't. So he could have been carrying a dirty bomb, or had a metric ton of semtex strapped to his body, but it would have gone undetected because he was late. (And, as I'll come to when it shows up in a later chapter, Fred and George are still selling date-rape drugs and biological weaponry simply by disguising it, so what I'm saying is, Hogwarts security leaves a lot to be desired.)
Nonetheless, it looks as if Draco hasn't managed to smuggle any weapons of his own (well, except the obvious - *eyebrow waggle*) into the school, so Harry gets grumpy. He asks Ron if he can think of anything, but Ron tells him to STFU, then goes to bed. Finally Demelza shows up, telling Harry that he's got to go and do his detention at half-past eight. Which begs the question of "Wait a minute, why has Ron gone to bed so early, then?" which in turn receives the answer of "To wank".
This chapter has got to be one of the worst in the series. It doesn't contain any one thing that makes it heinous, and there aren't any hints of Grawp or Remus/Tonks or anything in it, but it still manages to be awful in a million little ways because absolutely bugger all happens in it. In fact, it barely needs to be happening in a magical school (except that Hermione casts a spell on McLaggen, but she could just as easily have hit him around the head with a plank) nor during a war (except that some guy they don't actually know has been arrested). Virtually all the "action" of this one is pointless. And something like half of the chapters in this book follow that same pattern.
Just... just no.
Previous Chapter | All Chapters | Next Chapter
(Rock rock, rock n' roll high school)
'Cause that's not where I wanna be
(Rock rock, rock n' roll high school)
I just wanna have some kicks
I just wanna get some chicks
Rock rock rock rock
Rock n' roll high school
- The Ramones, "Rock 'n' Roll High School"
OK. So we start with some general discussion of how hard lessons are once you're in the 6th year, and how even Hermione, genius to end all geniuses, finds herself struggling. Which is fine, I remember lower sixth form being pretty tough at times, but the thing is - if classes this year are so demanding and they're having to do so much, you'd think they'd be learning loads, so why is that during the Neverending Camping Trip Of Doom in the final book, they don't seem to have any useful spells at their disposal? Or not enough useful spells at any rate, as they spend most of their time sitting on their asses doing sweet FA.
Anyway, so they're working like bastards, especially on non-verbal spells which are now a requirement in virtually every class. We learn that Harry regularly sees his classmates "purple in the face and straining as though they had overdosed on U-No-Poo", but of course he's clever enough to know that they're really trying to work non-verbal spells. Uh... I guess that's a relief? Because personally I wouldn't be entirely comfortable with a lead hero who genuinely believed his peers sat around in class trying to crap themselves on purpose... although I confess, the fact that this has come up at all is slightly worrying, you know? It's like... OK, it's kind of like this xkcd, although I'm aware that using xkcd to illustrate a point is a bit lazy.
One upshot of all of the above, in any case, is that our intrepid trio have thus far found no time to visit loveable fuckwit Hagrid, therefore postponing the inevitable moment when I have to find the energy to complain about how much he sucks. Finally, after Hermione invests some time in wangsting, they decide to go and visit the tedious oaf after this morning's quidditch tryouts. Exactly when this will be is not yet known, because as Harry notes, approximately a billion people have put their names down on the signup sheet or whatever. (Hermione points out that this is because they all fancy Harry, mainly because he's grown "about a foot" over the summer, which is surely a stupid exaggeration. I hope it's a stupid exaggeration, because if it isn't then a lot of really crap fic is suddenly kind of justified.)
So anyway, here's the thing, and this is something that, thankfully, I had no need to touch upon during the DH 'wank. I FUCKING HATE QUIDDITCH.
I like the idea of it. I like the idea that the wizarding world, as a society, is advanced and developed enough to have a sport everyone follows. It shows that being a wizard isn't just about having magic; it's also about having shared knowledge, shared cultural capital. I actually like the history JKR invented for the sport in Quidditch Through The Ages - the etymology of the word quidditch and the introduction of the snitch and so on. In theory, it's a nice way of illustrating wizarding society.
However, this doesn't make the quidditch chapters in any way pleasurable to read. Once you've done one match god, they are so boring. And in the long run it doesn't matter remotely that Harry is good at it, he never uses it or gets a job playing it or anything, so why bother, you know?
Meanwhile, back in the present, our trio are still at breakfast; the post birds arrive, bringing Harry a new potions book to replace the graffiti'd one he borrowed from Slughorn. He has a plan, though: he removes the covers from each book, switches them, and reattaches them, a plan guaranteed to fool anyone who doesn't actually, you know, open the book.
Hermione, meanwhile, has received her daily newspaper. The latest arrest is Stan Shunpike, the dismal mockney bus conductor who is totally not a death eater, but is enough of a tosspot to act like one if it makes him look cool. Our trio rule out the possibility that he's under the imperius curse, mainly because they know him so very well and this newspaper is such an unbiased source that of course it's accurately reporting what happened. As the internet prevents me from delivering these lines in my own whiny, sardonic tone of voice, I might as well point out that the last bit right there, that was sarcasm.
Nonetheless, our trio decide to talk about The War. We learn that some students have already been withdrawn from school, while others are on the verge of being brought home, and Hannah Abbott's mother has been killed (being me, I notice a possible plot hole in the way JKR tells this one: Hannah was pulled out of class to be told this, and nobody has seen her since, but in that case how do they know that's what she was told? Note, though, that I am leaving this one in brackets because it totally doesn't matter). Hermione notes that things are getting pretty serious now; I guess it's good that someone has noticed, even if they end up spending most of the book arsing about and making out with random people and ignoring The War for the most part.
They GTFO in the direction of the quidditch field. On the way, Lavender Brown smiles at Ron in a way that implies she wouldn't kick him out of bed; in response, Hermione gets her rage on. Little to discuss here, except possibly to remind the reader of a point I've made before, that JKR has a tendency to use jealousy to indicate ~*true love*~, so I'll move on.
On the pitch, it transpires that over 9000 people have turned up to try out for the team, most of whom are mere Harry fanboys and fangirls. Amongst those who aren't are Cormac McLaggen, a complete fuckwit, Katie Bell (who we know from previous books - she seems pretty sound) and Demelza Robins, a new find. These last two become chasers, alongside one Ginny Weasley - I didn't include her in the first list because let's face it, she's as much a Harry fangirl as anyone else who shows up. We do hear that she "outflew the competition" and scored seventeen goals, but given that there doesn't appear to have been a keeper at this point, I'm not sure that's such a special achievement. (And mainly, that just stinks of Mary-Sue-ness, doesn't it? This is one of those topics that's been done to death by this fandom already, so I won't go into it in huge detail, but... yeah.) There are also two beaters, neither of whom are in any way interesting or significant, so let's skip over them. The team so far sit in the stadium to watch the rest of the proceedings.
All that remains is for Harry to choose a keeper. The first five candidates all suck. The sixth, that epic cocknose McLaggen, does quite well, scoring four of five penalties before buggering up the last one and flying off in the wrong direction. Then it's Ron's go and he gets them all in. I told you quidditch was boring, didn't I? This is stupid. Anyway, this means that Ron is winrar and is on the team. McLaggen kicks off, claiming that Ginny gave Ron an easy ride (wait, I thought she was sitting on the stands watching? This chapter is full of little mini errors like that. I guess JKR hates it as much as I do). That's it, anyway, Ron's in the team, because it just isn't Gryffindor without an abundance of Weasleys.
Later, our trio are on their way to Hagrid's (oh... fffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu) when Ron mentions how weird it is that McLaggen missed one. In fact, it almost looked like he was hit with some kind of spell that made him miss that last shot. Hermione goes all red and won't say anything in response, so when we later discover that she did exactly that it comes as no kind of shock at all. Oh well. Ron doesn't notice, in any case, because he's too busy describing exactly what just happened as if the others weren't there.
Next they reach Hagrid's house and I am struck by the compulsion to drown myself. They greet Buckbeak, which prompts Hagrid to come outside to make sure they're not baiting it. When he sees it's them, he flounces back into his hut. The end of the world is nigh, for a book detailing a bitch-fight between a dumbass half-giant and three annoying teenagers has actually been published.
Harry, ever the big damn hero, tries to break down Hagrid's door. Hagrid threatens to break his face or give him detention or something. There's a brief bit of outwitting involving Harry calling Hagrid "sir" or something, and he relents and lets them in, though he grumps about the place and makes vaguely passive-aggressive comments about them not taking his crappy, stupid, useless class. This continues while he gives them tea and cakes, and peels potatoes, and finally he relents and decides he likes them again when it emerges that the annoying, stupid giant spider he keeps in the forest is dying; someone has enticed it onto a giant piece of paper and placed an enormous glass over it, and there is nothing that can be done for it. Hagrid cries, and says that he doesn't know what he'll do when it dies, because they've "bin tergether so long", implying that he's in some kind of relationship with the spider. (Which explains a few things, actually.)
Anyway, once that's out, Hagrid cheers up and seems to forgive them, saying that they probably couldn't have fit the class into their timetables even if they'd applied for time-turners, which in turn seems to be merely an excuse for JKR, through Hermione's mouth, to explain that the entire stock of time-turners was smashed during the altercation at the ministry at the end of the last book, just in case anyone was thinking of getting hold of one and using it to travel back in time to stop Voldemort or anything.
Luckily for me, the entire afternoon passes quickly and I am spared having to comment on Hagrid any more. Our intrepid trio head for dinner, passing McLaggen, who is failing to use a doorway. Despite the fact that this is not atypical behaviour for your average Hogwarts student, Hermione 'fesses up to having put a spell on him to make him fail at quidditch. Harry passes some kind of moral judgement on her. Whatever. Then Slughorn shows up and asks Harry and Hermione to dinner, ignoring Ron. Harry can't go because he's got detention with Snape. Hermione feels obliged to go on her own, even though surely she could just say she's got plans or something, only she's kind of a terrible liar. GOD I CARE SO LITTLE. THIS IS SO BORING.
After they eat dinner, they read the paper, which is also ludicrously boring, especially as they already read the paper this morning. We learn that Ron's dad has searched Malfoy Manor and not found anything. Well, that was worthwhile. Harry starts ranting on about Draco and how he probably smuggled some evil object into school, only it turns out they were all searched when they arrived, so he couldn't have done. Well, I say they were all searched - Harry, turning up ten or fifteen minutes late, wasn't. So he could have been carrying a dirty bomb, or had a metric ton of semtex strapped to his body, but it would have gone undetected because he was late. (And, as I'll come to when it shows up in a later chapter, Fred and George are still selling date-rape drugs and biological weaponry simply by disguising it, so what I'm saying is, Hogwarts security leaves a lot to be desired.)
Nonetheless, it looks as if Draco hasn't managed to smuggle any weapons of his own (well, except the obvious - *eyebrow waggle*) into the school, so Harry gets grumpy. He asks Ron if he can think of anything, but Ron tells him to STFU, then goes to bed. Finally Demelza shows up, telling Harry that he's got to go and do his detention at half-past eight. Which begs the question of "Wait a minute, why has Ron gone to bed so early, then?" which in turn receives the answer of "To wank".
This chapter has got to be one of the worst in the series. It doesn't contain any one thing that makes it heinous, and there aren't any hints of Grawp or Remus/Tonks or anything in it, but it still manages to be awful in a million little ways because absolutely bugger all happens in it. In fact, it barely needs to be happening in a magical school (except that Hermione casts a spell on McLaggen, but she could just as easily have hit him around the head with a plank) nor during a war (except that some guy they don't actually know has been arrested). Virtually all the "action" of this one is pointless. And something like half of the chapters in this book follow that same pattern.
Just... just no.
Previous Chapter | All Chapters | Next Chapter