Seven uberwanks that never made it (birthday gift for minnow_53)
This is a somewhat very overdue birthday gift for the wonderful minnow_53, who requested uberwank outtakes. :D
Minnow, I don't know if this is the sort of thing you had in mind, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. And I'm sorry it ended up being so late. The Other Thing we talked about is still in progress and will be even later, but it is on the way! ♥
Rejected Uberwank 1
Mr Men Uberwank: Book 3, Mr Happy
Very little information is given as to how the door got into the tree in the first place. I suppose we have to assume that Mr Miserable put it there himself, which begs the further question of why he lives in a tree at all. [...]
Overall, I admit that I find Mr Happy's insistence on turning Mr Miserable into a clone of himself pointless at best and at worst, disturbing. As always I'm wary of jumping on the urban legend bandwagon of "Mr Happy is a heavily veiled homage to Invasion of the Bodysnatchers" but I am at a loss to come up with a better reason for his actions in this book.
Rejected Uberwank 2
More Joy of Sex Uberwank*: chapter 5, Couples and Others
* As it were
As I have already dwelt upon (see chapter 1: preface), this book was published in 1973, so we might expect some of its advice to seem a little dated by contemporary standards. On the contrary, much of it is excellent: be sure that all participants are game for kinkiness; don't expect that any sex you ever have will be anything like any sex you've ever seen in a porn film or in a dirty book; that sort of thing. So I have few qualms with this chapter, which deals mostly with the etiquette and logistics of introducing a third person (or fourth, or fifth, or just a whole heap of extras) to you and your partner's bedroom.
Additionally, bonus accuracy points go to the illustration of an orgy on page 158, as virtually the only person in the picture not involved in lovemaking is the man with the beard, acoustic guitar and flaccid penis.
Rejected Uberwank 3
Star Wars Return of the Jedi - The Novel Uberwank: chapter III
God, this book is truly shocking. Look, I get that it's a novelisation and that, therefore, the author is constrained by the original text, that is, the film. I get that. I get that there are going to be some pretty tight restrictions on the way the story can be told. Fine.
I don't agree that this justifies the author's habit of exactly transcribing all the little noises that R2D2 makes. Example quote:
The stubby little droid let out a fluent series of irate beeps, toots, and whistles - recognizable to Threepio instantly. He looked down in utter relief. 'Artoo! What are you doing here?'
'dooo WEEp chWHRrrrree bedzhng.'
'I can see you're serving drinks. But this place is dangerous. They're going to execute Master Luke...' [continues]
- p46
Seriously. What the fuck.
Rejected Uberwank 4
Order of the Phoenix Uberwank: chapter 25, The Beetle at Bay
So yeah, I find it hard to dislike Cho, although I think JKR would like us to. Cho’s fairly friendly and likeable, and no more jealous than Ginny, say - and most of all she drinks coffee, so she can’t be all bad. I like how she "tentatively" suggests getting coffee, but we all know that deep down she’s thinking, I would give anything for Hogsmeade to get a Starbucks. Notice how she brightens up considerably when Harry agrees. Perhaps that's why the date, ultimately, goes so badly: she's so short on caffeine she's ready to kill and Harry just happens to get in the way of that. Happens to the best of us OK, it happens to me.
Rejected Uberwank 5
Back of a Cereal Packet Uberwank: Coco Pops
Fairly standard ingredients list. However, I have a strong suspicion - and someone please correct me if you know better - that "natural flavourings" just means that the particular compound they've used was extracted from a fruit or a nut, rather than being synthesised in a lab. Chemically, it's exactly the same. So I'm not sure I buy Coco the Monkey's attempt to convince me his cereal is healthy. Moreover, Coco himself suffers from poor characterisation, and I would even go so far as to call him a Marty Stu for Mr Kellogg. Don't even get me started on that insufferable twunt Tony the Tiger.
Rejected Uberwank 6
The Worst Witch Uberwank: chapter 4
We get to spend a little more time with two of Mildred's main antagonists: Miss Hardbroom, the mean potions teacher, who has a large hooked nose and black hair and dresses mainly in black; and Miss Hardbroom's favourite student Ethel Hallow - a rich, mean, snobby blonde kid with rather sharp features. Basically, they are a gender-bent Snape and Draco, except that The Worst Witch was published in 1974, so...
Anyway, it turns out Mildred sucks at potions. What a shock.
Rejected Uberwank 7
"Deathly Hallows Uberwank" Uberwank: chapter 1, The Dark Lord Ascending
My main criticism of this chapter is its length, or rather, lack of length. At only around 500 words, it falls short compared to most of the other instalments in the DH Uberwank; moreover, there is little analysis and even less sarcasm. Festiva's sardonic manner is still at an embryonic stage - in fact, I'd be tempted to suggest that at the point she wrote this, she had little idea of where her Uberwank series was headed. For example, she makes no comment on what is one of my own favourite moments in that book: Voldemort is picking on Lucius about his wand, or penis, or something, and anyway, Narcissa squeezes his hand under the table. It epitomises one of the things I really liked about DH - that many characters were really rather muddied up, as previous villains became much more sympathetic and previous heroes became less likeable. In particular, the Malfoys as a family share some quite touching moments. Given the length and standard of later instalments, one wonders whether FF might be persuaded to rewrite these early chapters.*
* The answer to this is no
Minnow, I don't know if this is the sort of thing you had in mind, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. And I'm sorry it ended up being so late. The Other Thing we talked about is still in progress and will be even later, but it is on the way! ♥
Rejected Uberwank 1
Mr Men Uberwank: Book 3, Mr Happy
Very little information is given as to how the door got into the tree in the first place. I suppose we have to assume that Mr Miserable put it there himself, which begs the further question of why he lives in a tree at all. [...]
Overall, I admit that I find Mr Happy's insistence on turning Mr Miserable into a clone of himself pointless at best and at worst, disturbing. As always I'm wary of jumping on the urban legend bandwagon of "Mr Happy is a heavily veiled homage to Invasion of the Bodysnatchers" but I am at a loss to come up with a better reason for his actions in this book.
Rejected Uberwank 2
More Joy of Sex Uberwank*: chapter 5, Couples and Others
* As it were
As I have already dwelt upon (see chapter 1: preface), this book was published in 1973, so we might expect some of its advice to seem a little dated by contemporary standards. On the contrary, much of it is excellent: be sure that all participants are game for kinkiness; don't expect that any sex you ever have will be anything like any sex you've ever seen in a porn film or in a dirty book; that sort of thing. So I have few qualms with this chapter, which deals mostly with the etiquette and logistics of introducing a third person (or fourth, or fifth, or just a whole heap of extras) to you and your partner's bedroom.
Additionally, bonus accuracy points go to the illustration of an orgy on page 158, as virtually the only person in the picture not involved in lovemaking is the man with the beard, acoustic guitar and flaccid penis.
Rejected Uberwank 3
Star Wars Return of the Jedi - The Novel Uberwank: chapter III
God, this book is truly shocking. Look, I get that it's a novelisation and that, therefore, the author is constrained by the original text, that is, the film. I get that. I get that there are going to be some pretty tight restrictions on the way the story can be told. Fine.
I don't agree that this justifies the author's habit of exactly transcribing all the little noises that R2D2 makes. Example quote:
The stubby little droid let out a fluent series of irate beeps, toots, and whistles - recognizable to Threepio instantly. He looked down in utter relief. 'Artoo! What are you doing here?'
'dooo WEEp chWHRrrrree bedzhng.'
'I can see you're serving drinks. But this place is dangerous. They're going to execute Master Luke...' [continues]
- p46
Seriously. What the fuck.
Rejected Uberwank 4
Order of the Phoenix Uberwank: chapter 25, The Beetle at Bay
So yeah, I find it hard to dislike Cho, although I think JKR would like us to. Cho’s fairly friendly and likeable, and no more jealous than Ginny, say - and most of all she drinks coffee, so she can’t be all bad. I like how she "tentatively" suggests getting coffee, but we all know that deep down she’s thinking, I would give anything for Hogsmeade to get a Starbucks. Notice how she brightens up considerably when Harry agrees. Perhaps that's why the date, ultimately, goes so badly: she's so short on caffeine she's ready to kill and Harry just happens to get in the way of that. Happens to the best of us OK, it happens to me.
Rejected Uberwank 5
Back of a Cereal Packet Uberwank: Coco Pops
Fairly standard ingredients list. However, I have a strong suspicion - and someone please correct me if you know better - that "natural flavourings" just means that the particular compound they've used was extracted from a fruit or a nut, rather than being synthesised in a lab. Chemically, it's exactly the same. So I'm not sure I buy Coco the Monkey's attempt to convince me his cereal is healthy. Moreover, Coco himself suffers from poor characterisation, and I would even go so far as to call him a Marty Stu for Mr Kellogg. Don't even get me started on that insufferable twunt Tony the Tiger.
Rejected Uberwank 6
The Worst Witch Uberwank: chapter 4
We get to spend a little more time with two of Mildred's main antagonists: Miss Hardbroom, the mean potions teacher, who has a large hooked nose and black hair and dresses mainly in black; and Miss Hardbroom's favourite student Ethel Hallow - a rich, mean, snobby blonde kid with rather sharp features. Basically, they are a gender-bent Snape and Draco, except that The Worst Witch was published in 1974, so...
Anyway, it turns out Mildred sucks at potions. What a shock.
Rejected Uberwank 7
"Deathly Hallows Uberwank" Uberwank: chapter 1, The Dark Lord Ascending
My main criticism of this chapter is its length, or rather, lack of length. At only around 500 words, it falls short compared to most of the other instalments in the DH Uberwank; moreover, there is little analysis and even less sarcasm. Festiva's sardonic manner is still at an embryonic stage - in fact, I'd be tempted to suggest that at the point she wrote this, she had little idea of where her Uberwank series was headed. For example, she makes no comment on what is one of my own favourite moments in that book: Voldemort is picking on Lucius about his wand, or penis, or something, and anyway, Narcissa squeezes his hand under the table. It epitomises one of the things I really liked about DH - that many characters were really rather muddied up, as previous villains became much more sympathetic and previous heroes became less likeable. In particular, the Malfoys as a family share some quite touching moments. Given the length and standard of later instalments, one wonders whether FF might be persuaded to rewrite these early chapters.*
* The answer to this is no