The whole prediction thing
This one seems to be doing the rounds, so I thought I'd get in on the action. I did do a proper prediction post a while back, some of which is now a little out-of-date. However, I'm bored and I'm meant to be doing an ethnography assignment (and FWIW, ethnography is one of the most boring things I've ever done of my own free will, so I'm exercising that free will and not bothering), plus all the cool kids are doing it, so here's my Two Weeks Until Wank countdown list.
I was going to make some hilarious joke about these being spoilers rather than predictions on account of having broken into a book storage warehouse under cover of night using my ninja skills and nicked a copy, but I couldn't be bothered.
1. Bill and Fleur do, indeed, get married, so we see a wizarding wedding ceremony in its entirety. This involves, amongst other things, an ancient ritual where a magical shark is placed before the altar, and the entire wedding party takes turns jumping over it.
2. Snape is seen sneaking into a young blonde woman's bedroom via the window, then standing over her and cackling while lightning flashes in the night sky. He then proceeds to suck her blood, after telling her that he wants to. However, it is made quite clear that he is not a vampire.
3. Ron dies on page 471 after a piano hilariously falls on him, with hilarious consequences.
4. We get lots of backstory concerning the fates of various past DADA teachers, including one who died in a bizarre gardening accident and one who choked on someone else's vomit. (Apologies for obviously stolen gag; further apologies if I've used it before, as I suspect I may have done...)
5. Tonks spectacularly dumps Lupin for not being "scene" enough. This happens in an epic yet bizarre scene modelled after famous footballing incidents of recent years. It culminates in her headbutting him squarely in the chest, with hilarious consequences.
6. Mrs Black's portrait is finally silenced when Hermione, using a combination of her extreme intelligence and Muggle common sense, paints over it using magnolia emulsion.
7. Dumbledore, like Sirius, left all his sweet stuff to Harry. Harry inherits it, but is disturbed to discover how much of Dumbledore's sweet stuff was, in fact, furry porn. Hilarious consequences ensue.
8. Bertie Botts' Every Flavour Beans... are people!
9. Hagrid, in a textbook example of being Hagrid, breaks into an animal research laboratory to free a chimpanzee that has been infected with the rage virus - with hilarious consequences.
10. I have a "Dumbledore dies" left over from last time - is that still redeemable?
PS. Did anyone else see the Jonathan Ross/JKR interview last night? (If you didn't or aren't in the UK, it's on Youtube.) Bastard stole my longstanding and heavily overused joke about the last word of the book being "ska"!
PPS:
My Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom is:
Draco Malfoy writes prize-winning fanfic whilst eating spaghetti alfredo
Get your Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom
I was going to make some hilarious joke about these being spoilers rather than predictions on account of having broken into a book storage warehouse under cover of night using my ninja skills and nicked a copy, but I couldn't be bothered.
1. Bill and Fleur do, indeed, get married, so we see a wizarding wedding ceremony in its entirety. This involves, amongst other things, an ancient ritual where a magical shark is placed before the altar, and the entire wedding party takes turns jumping over it.
2. Snape is seen sneaking into a young blonde woman's bedroom via the window, then standing over her and cackling while lightning flashes in the night sky. He then proceeds to suck her blood, after telling her that he wants to. However, it is made quite clear that he is not a vampire.
3. Ron dies on page 471 after a piano hilariously falls on him, with hilarious consequences.
4. We get lots of backstory concerning the fates of various past DADA teachers, including one who died in a bizarre gardening accident and one who choked on someone else's vomit. (Apologies for obviously stolen gag; further apologies if I've used it before, as I suspect I may have done...)
5. Tonks spectacularly dumps Lupin for not being "scene" enough. This happens in an epic yet bizarre scene modelled after famous footballing incidents of recent years. It culminates in her headbutting him squarely in the chest, with hilarious consequences.
6. Mrs Black's portrait is finally silenced when Hermione, using a combination of her extreme intelligence and Muggle common sense, paints over it using magnolia emulsion.
7. Dumbledore, like Sirius, left all his sweet stuff to Harry. Harry inherits it, but is disturbed to discover how much of Dumbledore's sweet stuff was, in fact, furry porn. Hilarious consequences ensue.
8. Bertie Botts' Every Flavour Beans... are people!
9. Hagrid, in a textbook example of being Hagrid, breaks into an animal research laboratory to free a chimpanzee that has been infected with the rage virus - with hilarious consequences.
10. I have a "Dumbledore dies" left over from last time - is that still redeemable?
PS. Did anyone else see the Jonathan Ross/JKR interview last night? (If you didn't or aren't in the UK, it's on Youtube.) Bastard stole my longstanding and heavily overused joke about the last word of the book being "ska"!
PPS:
My Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom is:
Draco Malfoy writes prize-winning fanfic whilst eating spaghetti alfredo
Get your Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom