Buy more shit or we're all fucked
So I guess I have an inconsistent and uneasy sort of relationship with the British royal family. As a general rule I see them as a fairly outdated and unnecessary institution, I don't think it's right that they are funded from public money, I don't particularly buy the argument that they bring in tourism and therefore are necessary for the economy or whatever.
On the other hand, the Royals are -- alongside the Catholic church -- one of the richest sources of kitsch, tacky rubbish we have. I don't know that I've blogged about this much in the past, but I am kind of addicted to kitsch crap. The more glittery and tasteless the better; unofficial, shitty knock-offs are best of all. Commemorative plates; saints' candles; glittery Leaning Tower of Pisas that change colour according to temperature* -- I love them all.
All of this is a precursor to the picspam that will follow, in which I detail some of the useless fucking rubbish I have purchased in the run-up to the forthcoming royal wedding. I should note that everything I have bought is unofficial (partly because I don't want to actually encourage this kind of thing, and partly because the unofficial stuff is both wonderfully ugly and considerably cheaper). Nonetheless, to show ~respect~ for the royal couple, I have done these items an honour and photographed them on my regal purple sofa.
This mug is roughly one inch tall, and hence cannot hold any useful quantity of fluid. Thankfully, the manufacturers have affixed a small magnet to the back, which can be used to stick the mug to the fridge, radiator, or other metallic surface.
This postcard is wonderful because of the text, which reads: "To celebrate the engagement of William and Catherine using the ring of his late mother". You can almost smell the thought process that went into this one. "We can't put his mother's ring, that sounds like we're talking about her arsehole! Put the ring of his mother." Note also the crest at the top, reading "WC".
This is a tea towel. I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that they might have traced the faces off a photo.
This rubber johnny is one of my favourite things so far. The pictures on the front bear almost no resemblance to the real Prince William and Kate Middleton. I will never use this condom, partly because of its ~innate beauty~, partly because I can't imagine it's of good enough quality to protect me against diseases or pregnancy.
Finally, this full-size mug is one of my favourite things, like EVER. It is made by a company called Guandong Enterprises**. It features Ornate Detailing™ and Beautiful Portraits™ of Kate Middleton and Prince... Harry.
I love it so fucking much and will treasure it forever. It is so tacky and awful and shit and my only criticism is that it appears to be made from real ceramics and not plastic ceramic-style material.
Here is a bonus picture of the cafe at my work, decorated for the royal wedding. This picture doesn't do it justice; it's all over the place. The staff were completely unimpressed by it and blamed "management". I almost pissed myself when I walked in to get my coffee and saw it. It was beautiful. :'D
Here ends my Royal Wedding Shit picspam! If you're very good, then maybe one day I'll share pictures of my Future Map of the United States, Voodoo Handbag and LED-studded sacred heart mirror and clock.
* This is a real thing that I own
** Sadly, a little sleuthing since I bought the mug suggests that Guandong Enterprises might, in fact, be based in the UK and be deliberately ~ironic~. If this is true, I won't pretend I'm not a little disappointed, but I still think the mug is epic awesome.
On the other hand, the Royals are -- alongside the Catholic church -- one of the richest sources of kitsch, tacky rubbish we have. I don't know that I've blogged about this much in the past, but I am kind of addicted to kitsch crap. The more glittery and tasteless the better; unofficial, shitty knock-offs are best of all. Commemorative plates; saints' candles; glittery Leaning Tower of Pisas that change colour according to temperature* -- I love them all.
All of this is a precursor to the picspam that will follow, in which I detail some of the useless fucking rubbish I have purchased in the run-up to the forthcoming royal wedding. I should note that everything I have bought is unofficial (partly because I don't want to actually encourage this kind of thing, and partly because the unofficial stuff is both wonderfully ugly and considerably cheaper). Nonetheless, to show ~respect~ for the royal couple, I have done these items an honour and photographed them on my regal purple sofa.
This mug is roughly one inch tall, and hence cannot hold any useful quantity of fluid. Thankfully, the manufacturers have affixed a small magnet to the back, which can be used to stick the mug to the fridge, radiator, or other metallic surface.
This postcard is wonderful because of the text, which reads: "To celebrate the engagement of William and Catherine using the ring of his late mother". You can almost smell the thought process that went into this one. "We can't put his mother's ring, that sounds like we're talking about her arsehole! Put the ring of his mother." Note also the crest at the top, reading "WC".
This is a tea towel. I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that they might have traced the faces off a photo.
This rubber johnny is one of my favourite things so far. The pictures on the front bear almost no resemblance to the real Prince William and Kate Middleton. I will never use this condom, partly because of its ~innate beauty~, partly because I can't imagine it's of good enough quality to protect me against diseases or pregnancy.
Finally, this full-size mug is one of my favourite things, like EVER. It is made by a company called Guandong Enterprises**. It features Ornate Detailing™ and Beautiful Portraits™ of Kate Middleton and Prince... Harry.
I love it so fucking much and will treasure it forever. It is so tacky and awful and shit and my only criticism is that it appears to be made from real ceramics and not plastic ceramic-style material.
Here is a bonus picture of the cafe at my work, decorated for the royal wedding. This picture doesn't do it justice; it's all over the place. The staff were completely unimpressed by it and blamed "management". I almost pissed myself when I walked in to get my coffee and saw it. It was beautiful. :'D
Here ends my Royal Wedding Shit picspam! If you're very good, then maybe one day I'll share pictures of my Future Map of the United States, Voodoo Handbag and LED-studded sacred heart mirror and clock.
* This is a real thing that I own
** Sadly, a little sleuthing since I bought the mug suggests that Guandong Enterprises might, in fact, be based in the UK and be deliberately ~ironic~. If this is true, I won't pretend I'm not a little disappointed, but I still think the mug is epic awesome.