I'm a fangirl without a fandom.
So I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the nature of being a fangirl and about being into a fandom and how it feels and what it does to you. This came about because I was trying to explain to my sister and her boyfriend what it is to be a fan, because they were asking the kind of questions I often get asked by my family, like "Are you still
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I know we were discussing this last night, but I'll say it again for the sake of anyone who might be reading and DESPERATE TO KNOW MY FANDOM HISTORY.
So, I had several of those high school crush type pre-fandoms (or even primary school in a couple of cases -- the Baby Sitters Club and Ninja Turtles) -- things I wanted to be fannish for, but didn't really know how, because I didn't have the community. Lois and Clark was the big one in high school for me, and I'm still very fond if it. I grew out of it eventually, but it gave me many happytiems.
With Harry Potter, it was like an extended crush for a very long time, and then EVENTUALLY, I found fandom, which allowed us to start dating properly, and it was awesome, but at the same time by the time we started dating I was pretty much ready to move on (Deathly Hallows had come out a few months previously, after all; there would be no new canon).
And then Torchwood happened. *sigh* There's no doubt that in my case Torchwood was my first great fandom love; it DID click with me, and I thought it was all wonderful. But then Children of Earth -- well, I think your analogy about discovering that someone you've been dating is actually a horrible person works really well, except that in my case it's discovering that about the person you've been passionately in love with for two years. It's really difficult to break away from that, even when you know it's turned unhealthy. You spend a lot of time hoping that it was all some horrible joke, that something can be done to fix it, and it really truly is a horrible experience to go through.
*sigh*
Anyway, since then, as I said to you last night, I've pretty much been a fandom slut -- I don't usually use that word, but I think I'm using it in a positive way here. I mean, if I had my preference, I'd still be in a realtionship with Torchwood and CoE never would have happened, but it DID happen, and I think the healthiest thing for me after that was to explore as many other options as possible. So this year, I've been having one night stands and extended flings, etc, with all sorts of fandoms. The most prominent among those are Merlin, Sherlock Holmes and White Collar. Merlin is pretty much someone I know it'll never work out with, but he's still hot, so I'll shag him. Sherlock Holmes and White Collar on the other hand... I feel something more for them, but the bad experience with Torchwood is preventing me from loving them in the way that I should. And there's Doctor Who too, of course, but its close relationship with Torchwood makes catching up difficult sometimes.
I actually think that perhaps Children of Earth has permanently ruined me for proper fannish engagement. I just can't love fiction in the same way anymore.
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It's really difficult to break away from that, even when you know it's turned unhealthy. You spend a lot of time hoping that it was all some horrible joke, that something can be done to fix it, and it really truly is a horrible experience to go through
Oh, absolutely. I've kept this post and my responses fairly tongue in cheek for the most part, but I completely agree - it is awful. The flipside of being effectively in love with something is that it can break your heart. And while obviously a TV show or a book can't actually manipulate you into staying involved in any deliberate way, I think being so intimately wrapped up in loving it can make it really difficult to step away if it does hurt you.
(And *hugs* I know it's easy for me to say, but I don't necessarily think you're lost forever. You had your heart broken, and that takes a while to get over. I still have faith that you are as incorrigible a fangirl as the rest of us. ♥ )
And yeah - getting into DW after Torchwood. It's like going out with (or being mates with) someone you originally met through your ex...
I feel like I could get into Sherlock (the recent series specifically; I still haven't read any of the original books and I wasn't too fussed about the recent film) if we had more time together. That one, for me, reminds me of how my friend Katie started seeing this guy Steve, and he was really nice and genuine and they would have been the cutest couple ever, only then he got offered a job in America and that was the end of that. Me and Sherlock, we're like that. Things could have got interesting but it was nipped in the bud.
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