only sissys have a good cry
you get several posts today, all from this past session at camp. This one is actually written today:
***
I feel like crying and I don't have a good reason for it.
I'm stressed at the camp; I'm spotting blood, apparently it has something to do with the liver, I need to drink lemon water. but how do you get fresh lemons when the food is so bad I find my diet is consisting mostly of bread! Just bread!
I dont' want to go back to school. I don't want to go back to the camp. I don't want to become a teacher. I dont' like the fact that I'm graduating in a year and I don't know what I want to do. I think I love John more then he loves me and I can't shake the fear that he is going to leave me. I mean, he doesn't talk. It is so rare for us to have a casual conversation. But back when he had a crush on Andrea he would beg for the two of them to have heart to hearts. She would come to me gripping about how John wants to have another talk!
I was so...I don't know...exhausted, stressed, drained yesterday that I got dizzy while running around down town and thought I would fall over. I was fine, I stopped to get something to eat, rested, it was no problem, but I continued to have smaller attacked for the rest of the day.
John complained about his back hurting and asked for a backrub. Fine, that's not abnormal, he has an awful back. But he had to wait a while because I was feeling kind of dizzy and couldn't use any sort of pressure.
Later, as we were getting into bed, I gave him one for as long as my hands could last. And then collaped beside him. And when I tried to curl up under his arm he had the odasity (yes, I know that is spelled wrong) to huff and get up. When he came back from the bathroom I was curled up in a ball crying on one end of the couch/bed. He was very sweet and picked me up and asked what was wrong but I just told him 'I don't know'. It's not that I expect him to read my mind, I just couldn't tell him why or how much he had hurt me.
This is not the first time he has done stuff like that (but this is the first time I cried) and I keep thinking about the saying 'the only man worth your tears is the one who won't make you cry' but I love him too much to leave him, and as much of an ass hole as he is at times, he can be really wonderful too.
And I'm thinking it would be nice to go to Europe for an extended period of time after I graduate since I don't know what else to do but I don't want to be away from John, but should I really let a man who refuses to talk about what'll happen after I graduate really hold me back. And I don't want to live in MacCurdy and I don't want to do some dumb women's issue project (although my idea right now is to research and some how present how stress affects our bodies) and I dont' want to live with the women who give my other alma friends crap and I want John to be able to feel welcome when he comes over (but he's not a feminist so I dont' see some of the girls taking to his pressence at the house at all) and I hear about the drama from kay and Andrea when I come in to town for the weekends and I don't want to go back to Alma at all.
I want to disappear!
I will never kill myself. I've said it before, I'll say it again. I will not be responcible for putting my friends and loved ones through that kind of hardship. But I do wish I could just disappear; to not think or feel. Sometimes I feel so inadequate. Like the only thing I'm good for is looking pretty. But John's not the kind of guy to give complements. I wonder why I even bother dressing up for him.
Thank you for listening to me rant. This is just the tip of the iceburg I've been lugging around with me but I can't sit here in that caffee any longer. As it is I feel obligated to buy something (since this internet is free) but since I've been supporting the two of us I'm a little worried about the lack of cash in my account.
shit. I feel dizzy again. crap. just when I wanted to leave. I'll just walk slowly.
***
I feel like crying and I don't have a good reason for it.
I'm stressed at the camp; I'm spotting blood, apparently it has something to do with the liver, I need to drink lemon water. but how do you get fresh lemons when the food is so bad I find my diet is consisting mostly of bread! Just bread!
I dont' want to go back to school. I don't want to go back to the camp. I don't want to become a teacher. I dont' like the fact that I'm graduating in a year and I don't know what I want to do. I think I love John more then he loves me and I can't shake the fear that he is going to leave me. I mean, he doesn't talk. It is so rare for us to have a casual conversation. But back when he had a crush on Andrea he would beg for the two of them to have heart to hearts. She would come to me gripping about how John wants to have another talk!
I was so...I don't know...exhausted, stressed, drained yesterday that I got dizzy while running around down town and thought I would fall over. I was fine, I stopped to get something to eat, rested, it was no problem, but I continued to have smaller attacked for the rest of the day.
John complained about his back hurting and asked for a backrub. Fine, that's not abnormal, he has an awful back. But he had to wait a while because I was feeling kind of dizzy and couldn't use any sort of pressure.
Later, as we were getting into bed, I gave him one for as long as my hands could last. And then collaped beside him. And when I tried to curl up under his arm he had the odasity (yes, I know that is spelled wrong) to huff and get up. When he came back from the bathroom I was curled up in a ball crying on one end of the couch/bed. He was very sweet and picked me up and asked what was wrong but I just told him 'I don't know'. It's not that I expect him to read my mind, I just couldn't tell him why or how much he had hurt me.
This is not the first time he has done stuff like that (but this is the first time I cried) and I keep thinking about the saying 'the only man worth your tears is the one who won't make you cry' but I love him too much to leave him, and as much of an ass hole as he is at times, he can be really wonderful too.
And I'm thinking it would be nice to go to Europe for an extended period of time after I graduate since I don't know what else to do but I don't want to be away from John, but should I really let a man who refuses to talk about what'll happen after I graduate really hold me back. And I don't want to live in MacCurdy and I don't want to do some dumb women's issue project (although my idea right now is to research and some how present how stress affects our bodies) and I dont' want to live with the women who give my other alma friends crap and I want John to be able to feel welcome when he comes over (but he's not a feminist so I dont' see some of the girls taking to his pressence at the house at all) and I hear about the drama from kay and Andrea when I come in to town for the weekends and I don't want to go back to Alma at all.
I want to disappear!
I will never kill myself. I've said it before, I'll say it again. I will not be responcible for putting my friends and loved ones through that kind of hardship. But I do wish I could just disappear; to not think or feel. Sometimes I feel so inadequate. Like the only thing I'm good for is looking pretty. But John's not the kind of guy to give complements. I wonder why I even bother dressing up for him.
Thank you for listening to me rant. This is just the tip of the iceburg I've been lugging around with me but I can't sit here in that caffee any longer. As it is I feel obligated to buy something (since this internet is free) but since I've been supporting the two of us I'm a little worried about the lack of cash in my account.
shit. I feel dizzy again. crap. just when I wanted to leave. I'll just walk slowly.