(no subject)
Dear Ariel,
I will try to explain myself on here, though livejournal is a shitty place to argue. What you said hurt me because you exploded in my face again. You have done that several times this term and it has hurt every time. Maybe that seems rediculous to you. Well, it's the truth. And I thought you wanted the truth. Maybe in your book what you say to me and how you say it shouldn't hurt, but feelings aren't always rational and if you explode at someone two things generally tend to happen: a. they get defensive and b. they get hurt. Like I said before. You don't have to feel guilty about it. I'm not asking for your pity. I'm just telling you the truth.
What upset me about your posts was that you took things that I said or did, some of them months ago or in the summer, and used them against me after saying before that you were fine with them. I will try to go point by point and apologize in advance for leaving anything out.
You mentioned my dad and how I asked you not to call late because he goes to bed early. Well, everytime people call my house late my dad gets pissed at me. When they show up uninvited or unexpected to my house he gets pissed at me. THat is not my fault. I didn't make those rules I just don't like being yelled at. And it's his house. If you want to complain about that take it up with him not me.
You say that I made you come visit me all the time. Well, I recall going to your apartment a lot this summer. It was hard because usually my dad wouldn't drive me and I had work and you had work most days of the week but I did it because I wanted to see you.
I have already explained to you about school taking up a lot of time. You don't seem to want to respect that. Maybe when you're in school too you'll understand. The reason I don't talk to a lot of my other friends is because they too are in school right now and have no lives.
You talk about me going to Spain as if I were intentionally disapearing from your life. I've explained. I don't know if I'm going to have access to the internet or to phone calls and you said that was fine. You said you understood.
You, I think, referenced as well what I said about art being more important to me than anything else. Well, you said you felt the same way. And now this.
I also felt like you were complaining about me doing some of the things your sister and ross have done, like only caring about your sex life or only being friends with you because I didn't have the guts to say no to you. That is simply not true. I am not Ross and I'm not you're sister and I don't know if you meant to compare us, but either way, i am friends with you because I want to be and I don't just care about your love life. Maybe I couldn't have helped you about Ross but I would have liked to have tried. As things stand I don't seem to be in a good position to do anything for you.
I understand that you've just been asking me to talk to you more. But you cover that up in so much anger and other shit that it's a little hard to access the request without getting hurt. Why not just say that? I'm lonely, please talk to me more. WHy do you have to pretend everything is ok and then out of the blue blow up in my face? I think it hurts so much because it doesn't stop. I think everything is fine and then a few weeks later you blow up again. I don't want to play that game with you anymore, being tugged back and forth between everything's ok, everything's not ok.
I have nearly lost my two best friends in these past few weeks. Both of you complained that I don't give you enough. Under the circumstances, I don't see how I can give you more. As you have said, I'm leaving for Spain. What will happen then? It;s too late to go back and change the past but I doubt I could have done much more. I wish I could give you more, Ariel. I really do. But if you ask for more from me by implying that I should stop everything else, well, I can't do that. Maybe I'm a monster who care more about her dreams than about real people but I don't really think that's what this is about. This is about time and location. I'm in school, I'm on the other side of the country, I'm living my life, I'm leaving. And I'm surprised really at how well I thought things were going with both my friends when things were so obviously wrong. I feel like anything I say now will be the wrong thing but saying nothing may be even worse. I can't give you more right now. If we were living in the same town and I wasn't leaving or going to school I could, but that is not the case right now. I can't give any of you what you want. And I am of the opinion that friendship isn't a bartering system, anyway. None of this I've told you something now you have to tell me. This isn't truth or dare. I'm sorry. I'm struck by the strangeness of this moment. I have tried and I have failed. I have not tried and I have failed. There doesn't seem to be much point in continuing with this. Maybe I'm about to make a huge mistake but it won't have been the first time. I wish you all well. I'm going now. Goodbye.
I will try to explain myself on here, though livejournal is a shitty place to argue. What you said hurt me because you exploded in my face again. You have done that several times this term and it has hurt every time. Maybe that seems rediculous to you. Well, it's the truth. And I thought you wanted the truth. Maybe in your book what you say to me and how you say it shouldn't hurt, but feelings aren't always rational and if you explode at someone two things generally tend to happen: a. they get defensive and b. they get hurt. Like I said before. You don't have to feel guilty about it. I'm not asking for your pity. I'm just telling you the truth.
What upset me about your posts was that you took things that I said or did, some of them months ago or in the summer, and used them against me after saying before that you were fine with them. I will try to go point by point and apologize in advance for leaving anything out.
You mentioned my dad and how I asked you not to call late because he goes to bed early. Well, everytime people call my house late my dad gets pissed at me. When they show up uninvited or unexpected to my house he gets pissed at me. THat is not my fault. I didn't make those rules I just don't like being yelled at. And it's his house. If you want to complain about that take it up with him not me.
You say that I made you come visit me all the time. Well, I recall going to your apartment a lot this summer. It was hard because usually my dad wouldn't drive me and I had work and you had work most days of the week but I did it because I wanted to see you.
I have already explained to you about school taking up a lot of time. You don't seem to want to respect that. Maybe when you're in school too you'll understand. The reason I don't talk to a lot of my other friends is because they too are in school right now and have no lives.
You talk about me going to Spain as if I were intentionally disapearing from your life. I've explained. I don't know if I'm going to have access to the internet or to phone calls and you said that was fine. You said you understood.
You, I think, referenced as well what I said about art being more important to me than anything else. Well, you said you felt the same way. And now this.
I also felt like you were complaining about me doing some of the things your sister and ross have done, like only caring about your sex life or only being friends with you because I didn't have the guts to say no to you. That is simply not true. I am not Ross and I'm not you're sister and I don't know if you meant to compare us, but either way, i am friends with you because I want to be and I don't just care about your love life. Maybe I couldn't have helped you about Ross but I would have liked to have tried. As things stand I don't seem to be in a good position to do anything for you.
I understand that you've just been asking me to talk to you more. But you cover that up in so much anger and other shit that it's a little hard to access the request without getting hurt. Why not just say that? I'm lonely, please talk to me more. WHy do you have to pretend everything is ok and then out of the blue blow up in my face? I think it hurts so much because it doesn't stop. I think everything is fine and then a few weeks later you blow up again. I don't want to play that game with you anymore, being tugged back and forth between everything's ok, everything's not ok.
I have nearly lost my two best friends in these past few weeks. Both of you complained that I don't give you enough. Under the circumstances, I don't see how I can give you more. As you have said, I'm leaving for Spain. What will happen then? It;s too late to go back and change the past but I doubt I could have done much more. I wish I could give you more, Ariel. I really do. But if you ask for more from me by implying that I should stop everything else, well, I can't do that. Maybe I'm a monster who care more about her dreams than about real people but I don't really think that's what this is about. This is about time and location. I'm in school, I'm on the other side of the country, I'm living my life, I'm leaving. And I'm surprised really at how well I thought things were going with both my friends when things were so obviously wrong. I feel like anything I say now will be the wrong thing but saying nothing may be even worse. I can't give you more right now. If we were living in the same town and I wasn't leaving or going to school I could, but that is not the case right now. I can't give any of you what you want. And I am of the opinion that friendship isn't a bartering system, anyway. None of this I've told you something now you have to tell me. This isn't truth or dare. I'm sorry. I'm struck by the strangeness of this moment. I have tried and I have failed. I have not tried and I have failed. There doesn't seem to be much point in continuing with this. Maybe I'm about to make a huge mistake but it won't have been the first time. I wish you all well. I'm going now. Goodbye.