November 4th, 2019
DRAMA: I am not excited by direct human interactions anymore. I am still very curious, and that's why I still read and watch a lot, or why I appreciate public places with lots of different humans, like train stations, or street corners. Hell, it might even be why I enjoy a certain kind of "reality show" or why I still power up my antennas when I pick up any kind of gossip nearby. I like to look, I like to listen, but I am not attracted by direct exchanges anymore.There is a degree of work that I am not willing to put into, even though it was something I was proud of in the past. There is an amount of uncertainty that can veer into trouble that I don't want to put up with, even though it was the most amazing thing in the past. There is the possibility for a subtle bond to form which would lead to a reasonable need of accountability that I want absolutely none of, even though I used to cherish the idea.
Now I just want to be alone.
And no I don't think it can be discounted as fear, it is not simply fear, fear of this or that. It is more like I don't have enough time to do all the things that I want to do, and so spend time with other people has become a low priority item. If anything, it's the fear that engaging a person would steal time from me that I could use for something that gives me greater pleasure.
Yes, I am aware that it sounds bad, it sounds like I have a problem, it sounds like there is more underneath, and oh my god what happened to him he needs help. Maybe I do, it is no mystery (it is, a bit, actually) that a lot happened in the last couple of years, but I don't really feel like there's anything wrong with me or that I need any kind of help. I don't feel like I am missing much, I am not depressed and I am not even sad. An argument could be made about the fact that I was actually way sadder ten years ago, when the status of my human connections or how much I could love or could be loved at any given time were themes that burdened all my days. There was nothing I liked more than getting to know people and exchange as much as possible, but maybe, who knows, with time and overcommitment our interests change and our focus shifts?
It is hard to believe it, but I'm fine, I'm OK, I am looking for different things right now and whether I changed my goals due to age, circumstances, MK Ultra or chemtrails is irrelevant. It could be temporary, it could be permanent, it's impossible to tell. I consider myself emotionally intelligent enough to know that nothing is so easily black or white, or frozen in graphite forever, things could change and there's certainly a functioning motor under all this snow, but right now I don't answer the door unless I'm expecting family, I don't pick up the phone, I don't reply to messages, and I don't want to see anybody. My narcissism screams sometimes, hungry for adoration and worshipping, and my romanticism cries, starved for cuddles and intensity, but that's a whiff, a split second, it happens during a movie, a song, a cutscene, or when I trip on an old photo. But then again, humans feel like a chore way more than they feel like an enrichment or a pleasure right now, and I am not sure I could change that simply by wanting to (assuming I did, and I don't).
So, leaving family out of this, my highest priorities at the moment are:
- a) play videogames
- b) watch a ton of movies, anime, shows
- c) lose myself in nature, whether by running at the park or taking a walk in a forest
- d) think of when I'll finally retire in the mountains, sitting next to the fireplace while there's a thunderstorm outside.
Everything else drains my life, my mood, my resources.
Then of course I have to work. I have to function, and I do. Surprisingly well, if I may say so. Don't worry. And please don't feel bad, I haven't stopped loving you, my closest friends and my distant acquaintances, it's just a season. A season of life in which I don't want to spend time with humans, and I am totally fine by myself. Sorry.
Now I just want to be alone.
And no I don't think it can be discounted as fear, it is not simply fear, fear of this or that. It is more like I don't have enough time to do all the things that I want to do, and so spend time with other people has become a low priority item. If anything, it's the fear that engaging a person would steal time from me that I could use for something that gives me greater pleasure.
Yes, I am aware that it sounds bad, it sounds like I have a problem, it sounds like there is more underneath, and oh my god what happened to him he needs help. Maybe I do, it is no mystery (it is, a bit, actually) that a lot happened in the last couple of years, but I don't really feel like there's anything wrong with me or that I need any kind of help. I don't feel like I am missing much, I am not depressed and I am not even sad. An argument could be made about the fact that I was actually way sadder ten years ago, when the status of my human connections or how much I could love or could be loved at any given time were themes that burdened all my days. There was nothing I liked more than getting to know people and exchange as much as possible, but maybe, who knows, with time and overcommitment our interests change and our focus shifts?
It is hard to believe it, but I'm fine, I'm OK, I am looking for different things right now and whether I changed my goals due to age, circumstances, MK Ultra or chemtrails is irrelevant. It could be temporary, it could be permanent, it's impossible to tell. I consider myself emotionally intelligent enough to know that nothing is so easily black or white, or frozen in graphite forever, things could change and there's certainly a functioning motor under all this snow, but right now I don't answer the door unless I'm expecting family, I don't pick up the phone, I don't reply to messages, and I don't want to see anybody. My narcissism screams sometimes, hungry for adoration and worshipping, and my romanticism cries, starved for cuddles and intensity, but that's a whiff, a split second, it happens during a movie, a song, a cutscene, or when I trip on an old photo. But then again, humans feel like a chore way more than they feel like an enrichment or a pleasure right now, and I am not sure I could change that simply by wanting to (assuming I did, and I don't).
So, leaving family out of this, my highest priorities at the moment are:
- a) play videogames
- b) watch a ton of movies, anime, shows
- c) lose myself in nature, whether by running at the park or taking a walk in a forest
- d) think of when I'll finally retire in the mountains, sitting next to the fireplace while there's a thunderstorm outside.
Everything else drains my life, my mood, my resources.
Then of course I have to work. I have to function, and I do. Surprisingly well, if I may say so. Don't worry. And please don't feel bad, I haven't stopped loving you, my closest friends and my distant acquaintances, it's just a season. A season of life in which I don't want to spend time with humans, and I am totally fine by myself. Sorry.