(no subject)
FenSheaParkway cares so little about tennis, I can't even muster much interest in its biggest annual events. It certainly doesn't help matters that 3/4ths of them happen at least 6 time zones away. Oh, there's tennis on at 9:00 in the morning? That's terrific. The only Grand Slam I want at that time in the day comes from Denny's.
That said, I just saw the latest in gimmicky minor sport technology: The dual-surface court built to host the (I'm assuming) much anticipated exhibition between Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer, and I have to admit, I'm impressed.
Not a split screen
Of course, this only makes sense (if it could ever be said that spending $1.63 million for a single event involving exactly two people makes sense) because Federer and Nadal have demonstrated pronounced mastery of grass and clay tennis surfaces, respectively. Or, more accurately stated, Nadal has demonstrated pronounced mastery over the clay tennis surface, and Federer has demonstrated prounounced mastery of the game of tennis over all of mankind. Really, letting Federer touch the ground at all gives him an advantage. To make any match a fair one, event organizers might want to consider suspending him from a series of wires, with his limbs manipulated from above like a marionette. Even then, I'd give him 3-1 odds.
Still, this is the exhibition we're given and I think it's a good idea overall. I've always wondered what tennis is supposed to do with themselves in the ridiculously long gap between the Australian and French Opens. And it leads me to wonder what other fields of play could be customized to take advantage of opponents' strengths for a needless, yet captivating, exhibition:
Matchup: Rockies VS Braves
Time: Mid-1990's
This will take place in a custom-built $1.4 billion domed stadium. For the Rockies' turns at bat, the dome's air pressure will drop to about 900 millibars and all foreign particles will be filtered from the air. For the Braves' offense, the pressure will increase a bit but the temperature will be cranked up to 100 degrees with a relative humidity of 99%. During the game, 20 fans will receive free souvenirs, and 2 will be seriously injured, from the 37 home runs hit by Fred McGriff, Andres Galarraga, et al in this 15 inning affair. The building will be demolished after the game.
Matchup: Twins VS Devil Rays
Time: Before Minnesota's new stadium is built
When the Rays are on defense, 100 decibels of noise will be piped in to simulate the Metrodome. "I got it" is now inaudible. Mound conversations are useless. But it all goes away when the Twins' take the field. The silence creates a peaceful Zen-like calm, making the stadium indistinguishable from Tropicana Field on game day. This will disorient Twins players, who will wonder if they've suddenly gone deaf, while allowing the Rays to retreat to the warm little safe place inside that I assume they've had to go to for the past 10 years.
Matchup: Late 1990's Yankees VS "The Field" from the Modern Era (21st century)
The Yankees will gain from virtually every on-field call: Phantom tags, fan interference, a mysteriously malleable strike zone, you name it. The Field, however, will benefit from a perfect karmic alignment, affecting all states of matter and universal laws. Actually, I guess that isn't so evenly matched after all.
That said, I just saw the latest in gimmicky minor sport technology: The dual-surface court built to host the (I'm assuming) much anticipated exhibition between Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer, and I have to admit, I'm impressed.
Not a split screen
Of course, this only makes sense (if it could ever be said that spending $1.63 million for a single event involving exactly two people makes sense) because Federer and Nadal have demonstrated pronounced mastery of grass and clay tennis surfaces, respectively. Or, more accurately stated, Nadal has demonstrated pronounced mastery over the clay tennis surface, and Federer has demonstrated prounounced mastery of the game of tennis over all of mankind. Really, letting Federer touch the ground at all gives him an advantage. To make any match a fair one, event organizers might want to consider suspending him from a series of wires, with his limbs manipulated from above like a marionette. Even then, I'd give him 3-1 odds.
Still, this is the exhibition we're given and I think it's a good idea overall. I've always wondered what tennis is supposed to do with themselves in the ridiculously long gap between the Australian and French Opens. And it leads me to wonder what other fields of play could be customized to take advantage of opponents' strengths for a needless, yet captivating, exhibition:
Matchup: Rockies VS Braves
Time: Mid-1990's
This will take place in a custom-built $1.4 billion domed stadium. For the Rockies' turns at bat, the dome's air pressure will drop to about 900 millibars and all foreign particles will be filtered from the air. For the Braves' offense, the pressure will increase a bit but the temperature will be cranked up to 100 degrees with a relative humidity of 99%. During the game, 20 fans will receive free souvenirs, and 2 will be seriously injured, from the 37 home runs hit by Fred McGriff, Andres Galarraga, et al in this 15 inning affair. The building will be demolished after the game.
Matchup: Twins VS Devil Rays
Time: Before Minnesota's new stadium is built
When the Rays are on defense, 100 decibels of noise will be piped in to simulate the Metrodome. "I got it" is now inaudible. Mound conversations are useless. But it all goes away when the Twins' take the field. The silence creates a peaceful Zen-like calm, making the stadium indistinguishable from Tropicana Field on game day. This will disorient Twins players, who will wonder if they've suddenly gone deaf, while allowing the Rays to retreat to the warm little safe place inside that I assume they've had to go to for the past 10 years.
Matchup: Late 1990's Yankees VS "The Field" from the Modern Era (21st century)
The Yankees will gain from virtually every on-field call: Phantom tags, fan interference, a mysteriously malleable strike zone, you name it. The Field, however, will benefit from a perfect karmic alignment, affecting all states of matter and universal laws. Actually, I guess that isn't so evenly matched after all.