It's confirmed

[fenrislupa]

My grandmother has confirmed with me that she has Ovarian cancer. They can't operate because it's too small or too far along or spreading. My uncle called me so now I'm totally not sure what's the case, only that she has the ovarian cancer and that she's going to have chemo/radition therapy. I'm totally freaked out and depressed. I think it's settling in and I feel so down. I've been trying to be upbeat and keep a positive attitude, but my uncle was pretty much talking about death death death. He's like my dad. Not very good at comforting and a bit gloom and doom when it comes to death. I remember the last time my grandmother was in the hospital and my dad was sure she was going to die ( even though it wasn't a life threatening illness) and gave me a huge talk that made me cry, about death and everything has to die and that I better get used to it.

Today was particularly hard because at work everyone is at odds. My supervisor says to spend more time with the kids and do bonding, but the partner I work with is saying we don't have time to baby each one so I need to step it up. It drives me crazy.

Also I was applying for jobs in Korea before my grandma got sick but now I'm at odds with myself. I really want to get out and take a break from my current job, but I think of my poor grandma and I feel ultimately guilty & terrible. *sigh* 
Today is a trying day. I'm trying to find a way to dig myself out of the pit of despair..