Counting Heartbeats - for brigits_flame

[fenrischained]

Title: Counting Heartbeats
Genre: Angst, probably.
Warnings: Not really.

Summary: I miss you. I'm sitting here, waiting for you to call. And I count the time in heartbeats.

A/N: Yes, another brigits_flame  entry. *sigh* Seems like that's all I'm doing at the moment. I mean, I like it, and it's really good for my writing, especially the concrit and edits, but...

Comments

Edit 2

[aisling87]

Hello, I'm your secondary editor and will offer a few general comments.

First, I like the use of "you" in this piece. That's a note that I don't give very often, because usually the "you" that sneaks into pieces is an impersonal "you," with no one actually in mind. In this instance, however, you DO have someone specific in mind. I would challenge you to make that person even more specific. How can you give the reader clues as to the "you" in the story without being hamhanded and blunt? I think that could be a fun challenge for you.

I feel like you could rework the very end where you tell us you are waiting for a call. I knew that already from the way you crafted your piece. Telling it to me outright makes it not as special of an observation. Maybe there's a more subtle way to state it -- because as I said, the reader already knows you're waiting for a call.

I love the imagery in this piece -- following the journey of the coffee cup and television means we get vivid images along with understanding your intent with the passage of time. There might be opportunity for even more play in images here, but use your discretion. Right now I think the piece is beautiful in its simplicity and you don't want to ruin that with too much.

This is a very elegant, rhythmic piece. I enjoyed it very much. Thanks for sharing!

Re: Edit 2

[fenrischained]

Yeah... I think I slightly screwed up the ending. I thought so at the time, tbh, but I was in a hurry to post. xD

Thanks for the edit!