Dancing On The Rainbow - for brigits_flame

[fenrischained]

Title: Dancing On The Rainbow
Genre: Um... ^-^' Sorry, my brain isn't really working today.
Warnings: Besides the ladlefuls of angst, not much. xD Mind you, angst seems to be pretty much par for the course with my stuff, so...

Summary: When a boy is fated to kill his brother, there's bound to be a few stresses. But there are other bonds, which

Comments

Edit - kind of long

[desert_rose]

Hi there,

Yeah, me again, :-) one of your editors for this entry.

Now that I've had the pleasure of reading several of your entries, I have to say I love your creativity, and ability to put together a piece of writing that flows well, and isn't either too rushed or too drawn out. Very nicely done!

My suggestions:

1. A suggestion for breaking this sentence up, as it is quite long. Bragi, my half-brother, taught us all to write when he was nine; Hothr was four, and Bragi, patient and by far the most willing to make accomodations
for my poor, blind brother, taught him to trace the runes by feel, and for the rest of his life, it was common to see the youngest son of Odin squatting
in the dust around the World Tree, scrawling his name over and over again in the earth.
Example:
Bragi, my half-brother, taught us all to write when he was nine; Hothr was four, and Bragi, patient and by far the most willing to make accomodations
for my poor, blind brother, taught him to trace the runes by feel. For the rest of his life, it was common to see the youngest son of Odin squatting in the dust around the World Tree, scrawling his name over and over again in the earth.
2. he would always return swiftly to his old habit of
staring into the fire with those unsettlingly milky blue eyes, - Earlier in this paragraph, Hothr's eyes were described as white. To avoid confusion, try leaving out the milky blue, and instead write those unsettling eyes.
3. Thor was twenty, already a man (insert a comma before but) but still prone to violent fits of childish temper, as fiery in temperament as the fiery colour of his hair and beard. To avoid repetition, try replacing the second instance of fiery with flame-red. Example:
Thor was twenty, already a man but still prone to violent fits of childish temper, as fiery in temperament as the flame-red colour of his hair and beard.
4. and the earsplitting sound of the silent boy's high, pain-filled scream, - As Hothr is screaming, and therefore currently not silent, try inserting normally before silent.
5. Odd. Odd seems out of place on its own. Try starting this sentence with Odd that, and see how this works for you.
I, the perfect, flawless Baldr, the favourite son of Odin, the darling of all three worlds - I held that grudge against my elder brother forever.
Example: Odd that I, the perfect, flawless Baldr, the favourite son of Odin, the darling of all three worlds - held that grudge against my elder brother forever.
6. dragging Hodr (Hothr) over the dancing colours
7. slipping and sliding on the polished surface and onto the churned surface of the ground beyond. To avoid word repetition, try leaving out the second instance of surface. Example:
slipping and sliding on the polished surface and onto the churned ground beyond.
8. But then Loki came. As something new is happening/about to happen, start a new paragraph with this sentence. Also try to avoid starting sentences with but- the sentence still reads well without it!
9. But then Loki came. Loki, who ruined everything. Loki, who we all hated. To lessen the repetition of Loki's name, and to let your reader's know who he is sooner, try replacing the third mention of his name with the Brother we...
10. alone of all of us in Valhalla, Hothr was free of Father's spell. Try replacing alone of all of us with out of all of us
11. especially Thor, in fct, (fact)
12. And his name was Loki. There are several places in this piece where sentences start with and. One rule of writing I learned, fairly recently, is that it's best to try and avoid doing this. Leaving the and off the start doesn't change how well the sentence reads, it is more grammatically correct, though.

I love how this piece ends - I remember the day when we danced on the rainbow.
Out of all the terrible acts that happened, remembering the good times is what really matters. That's an important message to leave your readers with, even if it wasn't intentional.

To sum up, I thoroughly enjoyed this! You definitely write very well! The only things to watch, and they are mistakes that are so easy to make, are the use of and and but at the start of sentences, and knowing when to start a new paragraph.

Tons of luck this week, and thanks for the great read!

Re: Edit - kind of long

[fenrischained]

Thanks!

I didn't notice the typos. ^-^' I was writing this straight into the LJ post from my one hard copy, so I think I just forgot to spell-check it. That accounts for the Hothr/Hodr typo, as well (I used a different romanisation in the original)

I'll consider the and/but thing. That sort of sentence structure seems to have a way of creeping into my work. -.-'

I'd have to disagree with the repetition of Loki thing, though. Honestly? I wrote that because I thought it worked, and I still do. And Loki isn't Baldr's brother, but I think that's just me not making things clear, isn't it? (God, that whole paragraph there sounds really rude. Sorry!)

Thanks, though! I really appreciate your input.

Re: Edit - kind of long

[desert_rose]

No, not rude at all! I make suggestions, knowing that there's a good chance the author will decide to stick with the way something is worded. I learn as much, if not more, from those I edit for as they do from me, and never take any disagreements with my suggestions to heart.

Keep up the great work!

Re: Edit - kind of long

[fenrischained]

Well, that's a relief. C=

Like I said, thanks a lot.