Vent

Jun 21, 2005 21:47

Okay, i've been told I must LJ. LJ I will. It probably won't be pretty, and it'll probably be long.

For those who don't know, I have been spending a lot of time with Karisa. This has been something i've been delighted about, and I have really enjoyed my time with her. Of course, im really not here to write about the happy things, because the happy things are not what I need sorted out, nor are they what I feel the need to scream and yell about. Suffice it to say, there are MANY happy things. As a general whole, my life has been happy lately. However, there has been a certain pall over things, something that catches me off guard occasionally and sends me into a bit of depression, because the longer things go, the worse I feel about it.

Perhaps you've heard me complain before on a more personal level. Her ex, Nick, has been seriously troubling me. And by seriously, I mean SERIOUSLY troubling me. I don't even know where to begin, but I really have nothing I can realistically say that is nice about him. He has never done anything in my presence that I considered pleasant, including having a humane conversation, or even a DULL AND BORING conversation. It would be nice if he could even find a backbone to vocalize his hatred towards me when in my presence, but all i've gotten from him ever is silence. Nor have I spent an undue amount of time with him to know him that well, nor him know me that well. All I have to go on is what Karisa says, and what I can read that she shows me whenever he text messages her. Opposingly, all he has to go on about me is whatever she says, because tehre are no text messages. What's worse is that I know she says positive things about me. Back three years ago when I broke up with her, I know she didn't say nearly as kind things, why, even mean things about me. But he hated me before then. That opened up an outlet for him.

So, his total verbal abuse and deframation of my character started sometime around there because I broke up with her. Of course, he believed I had done something horrible before then, manipulating and using her (But to what end? It's not like we were having sex. It's not like I was gold digging. What could he be thinking?). Of course, I had realized the horrible pain I put her through. I went and sought her apology, and begged her not to hate me- only to find out that she didn't. Even after all that time, she didn't bear a grudge, and yet he did. Of course, tehy had started dating in that time, and to make matters more ironic, I said nice things about it, congratulated her, and predicted good things for them. One would think that being so positive about his relationship with her might have changed his tune towards me, but it didn't. The only solid thing he had to hate me for then and even now was that I had broken up with her, which caused her pain, a pain which she had forgiven me for, and I had made atonement for. Even now, isn't my being with her a way of showing my sorrow and regret over what I had done, a way of showing penance even (A nice sort of penance with many benefits to me, one I enjoy quite much, but a penance, nevertheless), and proving that I never meant to hurt her, that I have her best interests in mind?

But I digress. FOr over three years, he maligned my name, even when I had nothing to do wth her. I literally hadn't seen her for years, unless you count the one time I passed her in a car as she left school. I occasionally talked to her online, perhaps once every few months. The only reason he had to even say anything bad about me was that when she spoke of me, she spoke with affection, and didn't hate me for what I had done, a testament to her strength and fiber of character. And yet, it continued, the negative speech, years of insults I couldn't defend myself from, things I had never earned.

And now, where are we? ABout a month ago, me and Karisa met for lunch. She couldn't tell him of course, because he would have flipped he hated me that much. And, most people reading this know the story, so I won't relate it again. The important part is that he doesn't know the true story. For beginners, I didn't steal her, and he has no true reason to suspect I did beyond hating me and needing something to blame for his own failures. His abuse only grew greater after he found out I was dating her, and he has the agll to accuse me of never being able to love her, being incapable of protecting her, of being untrustworthy, and the greatest irony, this is what I think of him. How could he say he loves her with the way he treats her? How could he say he can protect her when he is the one causing conflict? How can he be considered trustworthy when he acts in such a roguish manner?

And lets drop the hate for now. How about the way he treats her? Like an object! I don't think she sees what I see, but with every demand, with every unruly statement, he shows that he thinks he OWNS her. Like she's a bauble, or something! "You HAVE to call me". Indeed! And throughout their relationship, the way he proved that she was not his priority, even by stating as much! How he makes her worry about his well being through foolish or even idiotic decisions, the way he tries to undermine her relationship with me, his abuse of her friends, his forcing of unfair decisions! How about how he still tries to treat her as if they are in a relationship still? Kissing her indeed! Offering massages? She is no longer yours to touch! You failed, and you lost her! Move on! I never would have even been with her in the first place for this to be a worry if he had been honest with his emotions from the get go when he met her, and he never would have lost her if he hadn't such unbridled jealousy and hatred for me! She would have told him where she was, and if he had known, she wouldn't have strayed. If that single blot had been removed, I think she could have dealt with the rest of the patchwork mistakes that create him.

And all of that worries me even more, when she is with him. I know that every moment alongside him is a moment where he is saying horrible things about me, undermining our relationship, trying to worm his way into physical contact I find undesirable with her. He has tried to kiss her twice that I know of, and he certainly has no moral compulsion not to do it again, nor any shame, nor any restraint. He already does this much, what's to stop him from going further? On top of it all, I know he's a violent person! While I doubt he'd ever hurt her, what about me? This is not the sort of person she should be around!

And his personality is my pure antithesis. Everything about him is my complete opposite in ways that make me murderous. His constant depression I find revolting. His cutting is pure emo. His uncontrolled emotions are childish. His constant anger and lack of discretion are lacking in willpower I find necessary to a good life. His disregard for his own life makes me find him not worthy of having it. She tells me there are good things about him, but most of what she names are things that I find spineless and weak, revolting things that made me sever connection with Rachel. I honestly can't name a single positive thing about him! Even after all she has said, I still don't know what is good in him, what is pure, true, worthy, or desirable. Maybe it's because I never had the chance to get to know him, and that's why i'm still willing to try. However, he has not given me reason to look forward to it.

Ultimately, how I feel.... I don't want to tell her not to see him. I don't think it would work, and then, I wouldn't be any better than him. He did try to make her choose, after all. That's a moral pit I will never fall into. Even so, every time she is with him, I feel sick to my stomach. I have had several dreams with him in it involving her and woken up, wanting to vomit. But how can I say I don't want her to be around him? I can't. I can say that it hurts me every time she is, because it worries me, it stresses me, and I grow concerned for her safety, and especially OUR safety, together. Even with all she says, I still feel at times that she isn't 100% convinced of my good intent, that at any moment she could leave and tell me that she doesn't quite trust me to be there for her. It seems to me that she knows it in her mind, and feels it with her heart- with a slim sliver of doubt, emotionally. The constant, 'what if'? What if Nick is right, what if I am playing with her? What if I am using her for sex? What if.... And that's why i'm truly worried. These seeds of doubt can get to anyone. I fear when she is with him, because I know the sort of psychological posion he is sowing, and I know how effective it can be. Maybe not now, but what about a month or two down the line? What if I make a slight mistake somewhere, and she thinks back "What if he was right?"

And on top of it all, I am sickened by his lack of persistence in her image. She even told me she feels better about her body around me. She was always insecure about her body before when she was with me, but I felt I had been breaking through. But now.... She's worse than she had been in that respect, and it worries me. I truly think she is beautiful, and the fact that her self esteem was affected like that... If for no other reason, I would despise him. It is his DUTY to make sure that it never fails, to make sure that she knows her worth. I don't think i'll ever be able to forgive him for the subtle way in which he made her feel like she wasn't worth what she is. There have been times where i've nearly started to cry it hurt me so bad when she denied her beauty. Every time she says that, I feel like she is stabbing me in the ehart, every time she claims worthlessness.... And a large part of me blames him for that pain. Maybe it's the same blame he is giving me, I don't know....

I guess, the bottom line is, i've truly come to hate him through his efforts to make sure I do. Even so, i'm willing to give him the chance to prove he is a worthwhile human being after all. Even then... I'd just prefer I didn't have to think about him at all.
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