Chow Mein=Contentment
So, I'm actually content, just sitting here with some instant chow-mein (yeah, it may sound gross, but it's AWESOME!). Really. It's been so long since I've felt this way I don't know what to do with myself. Enjoy it while it lasts I guess. I haven't felt this way since, oh, since February I think. At least not this kind of satisfied, inner peace kind of contentment. I may have had glimpses of it, but now it just feels comfy, real.
The day-to-day patterns of work and school feel comfortable. I'm not stressed about the meaning of life, of my relationships. I'm taking a break from the constant inner searching and questing. I guess that's mostly because of some insights and realizations I had last night. I don't think those would have come on their own accord, and I had to work for them. The price I had to pay in the turmoil I went through these past few months made it worth it, in a way. It's funny--the thoughts I had weren't terribly original. In fact, some would say they were common sense, and you hear them all the time. But there's a chasm of difference between hearing something and thinking that it sounds good, and actually "realizing" it...making it "real" for you. A difference between observing, and knowing within your bones something to be true. To know.
Maybe it's because the rain has returned, and I feel more at ease. Yes, I must quote Madonna: "Rain, I feel it". It's sorta like that feeling--knowing that you have something returned to you, something you lost that was dear to you. I have returned to me. It's been a while since I've felt so grounded in myself.
It's autumn/Fall, and it feels like the natural progression of things to calm down now. All throughout the summer I was burning up, trying to get rid of things that were unnecessary, burning with passion, desire, lust, illusion. I was the phoenix who needed to self-immolate to be born again. I guess that was the crucible phase. Now that autumn's here, it's like the burnt pieces will fall off of their own accord. The dead and dry leaves will fall effortlessly to the ground because it's the natural way of things. I will begin to let those things go which I knew I needed to let go. It's a cooler time of calmer contemplation, rather than a burning questing. Winter's for hibernation, and in Spring, I will re-emerge, fulfilling the cycle that was begun last Winter/Spring.
I guess it should be no surprise to myself, whose cycles are not necessarily in sync with the rest of the world sometimes, to not be so fervent about looking for someone for the winter. When I want someone is primarily during the spring and summer, when of course, all the men let their inner whores come out to play. When things settle down, people are looking for someone to be warm with. I guess it works in a way, because indifference is the greatest aphrodisiac. I love the holidays, but since I've, thankfully, always have had family and friends to celebrate them with, I'm not particularly looking more intensely than usual to find someone. I guess my intensity is on throughout the year, but it's more in sync with other people's desires during the wintertime and colder months. Interesting, that.
It's nice to be somewhat "settled". I mean, yes, the journey is of its own accord something very special, but you want to return home, or reach your destination. Even though the Odessey is about the journey, we never forget that Odysseus wants to return to his wife and his homeland.
It's not like I'm never going to be hurt again, or that I'll never go on a questing time again, but for the moment, things seem okay the way they are. Yes, I'm still as much "in love" with certain people as before--that hasn't changed. But perhaps, and more importantly, my attitude and perception has changed. It's all about timing. And it hasn't been the right time yet. I like to believe in the maxim "all things come to those who wait". I'm usually so much on the "jumping headfirst into the pool" kind of approach that it feels much better to just let things happen. I guess that there's a deep inner fear of complacency and calm, so I rile things up so as to not be so comfortable, because you can't be comfortable for too long (it's being afraid of comfort because of an inner discomfort knowing that it will change, just because that's how life is...I'm working on it!). It's bound to be changed. It's the Wheel of Fortune. Things always change, for better or worse.
Right now I'm in that state where things are really just "cool". Nothing too big or threatening, nothing too new or strange. Things just as they are. I'm not trying to figure things or people out, not trying to get my nose into situations, not trying to decipher the meaning of life as intensely. And since I've been dealing with so much of that new, strange, uncharted territory stuff for a while, it's nice to have a change of scenery. Again--change.
It's nice to have things quiet, and settled somewhat. I can't stop saying it. It's such a relief!!! It's like after a long day of hiking being able to get into a nice bed and just pass out. This is literally just "recovery time".
It's SO nice just to let everything drop sometimes. To get to that state where you can actually say and believe "eh, whatever, it'll happen in it's own time" and not be pressured by your own sense of urgency is SO special. It seems that almost everything's about getting things, acquiring THINGS--accolades, jobs, careers, cars, clothes, accessories, money, people, friends, lovers, ideas--that it's nice to be able to say..."nah, I'm cool with what I've got, thanks though, I'm good". It's not an excuse to be complacent, because I know that won't happen with me--I'm too much a ball of energy. But it's refreshing to be comfortable with the way things are.
I can't express how nice it feels to say "I'm good" and mean it!
It's "ineffable"! =o)
The day-to-day patterns of work and school feel comfortable. I'm not stressed about the meaning of life, of my relationships. I'm taking a break from the constant inner searching and questing. I guess that's mostly because of some insights and realizations I had last night. I don't think those would have come on their own accord, and I had to work for them. The price I had to pay in the turmoil I went through these past few months made it worth it, in a way. It's funny--the thoughts I had weren't terribly original. In fact, some would say they were common sense, and you hear them all the time. But there's a chasm of difference between hearing something and thinking that it sounds good, and actually "realizing" it...making it "real" for you. A difference between observing, and knowing within your bones something to be true. To know.
Maybe it's because the rain has returned, and I feel more at ease. Yes, I must quote Madonna: "Rain, I feel it". It's sorta like that feeling--knowing that you have something returned to you, something you lost that was dear to you. I have returned to me. It's been a while since I've felt so grounded in myself.
It's autumn/Fall, and it feels like the natural progression of things to calm down now. All throughout the summer I was burning up, trying to get rid of things that were unnecessary, burning with passion, desire, lust, illusion. I was the phoenix who needed to self-immolate to be born again. I guess that was the crucible phase. Now that autumn's here, it's like the burnt pieces will fall off of their own accord. The dead and dry leaves will fall effortlessly to the ground because it's the natural way of things. I will begin to let those things go which I knew I needed to let go. It's a cooler time of calmer contemplation, rather than a burning questing. Winter's for hibernation, and in Spring, I will re-emerge, fulfilling the cycle that was begun last Winter/Spring.
I guess it should be no surprise to myself, whose cycles are not necessarily in sync with the rest of the world sometimes, to not be so fervent about looking for someone for the winter. When I want someone is primarily during the spring and summer, when of course, all the men let their inner whores come out to play. When things settle down, people are looking for someone to be warm with. I guess it works in a way, because indifference is the greatest aphrodisiac. I love the holidays, but since I've, thankfully, always have had family and friends to celebrate them with, I'm not particularly looking more intensely than usual to find someone. I guess my intensity is on throughout the year, but it's more in sync with other people's desires during the wintertime and colder months. Interesting, that.
It's nice to be somewhat "settled". I mean, yes, the journey is of its own accord something very special, but you want to return home, or reach your destination. Even though the Odessey is about the journey, we never forget that Odysseus wants to return to his wife and his homeland.
It's not like I'm never going to be hurt again, or that I'll never go on a questing time again, but for the moment, things seem okay the way they are. Yes, I'm still as much "in love" with certain people as before--that hasn't changed. But perhaps, and more importantly, my attitude and perception has changed. It's all about timing. And it hasn't been the right time yet. I like to believe in the maxim "all things come to those who wait". I'm usually so much on the "jumping headfirst into the pool" kind of approach that it feels much better to just let things happen. I guess that there's a deep inner fear of complacency and calm, so I rile things up so as to not be so comfortable, because you can't be comfortable for too long (it's being afraid of comfort because of an inner discomfort knowing that it will change, just because that's how life is...I'm working on it!). It's bound to be changed. It's the Wheel of Fortune. Things always change, for better or worse.
Right now I'm in that state where things are really just "cool". Nothing too big or threatening, nothing too new or strange. Things just as they are. I'm not trying to figure things or people out, not trying to get my nose into situations, not trying to decipher the meaning of life as intensely. And since I've been dealing with so much of that new, strange, uncharted territory stuff for a while, it's nice to have a change of scenery. Again--change.
It's nice to have things quiet, and settled somewhat. I can't stop saying it. It's such a relief!!! It's like after a long day of hiking being able to get into a nice bed and just pass out. This is literally just "recovery time".
It's SO nice just to let everything drop sometimes. To get to that state where you can actually say and believe "eh, whatever, it'll happen in it's own time" and not be pressured by your own sense of urgency is SO special. It seems that almost everything's about getting things, acquiring THINGS--accolades, jobs, careers, cars, clothes, accessories, money, people, friends, lovers, ideas--that it's nice to be able to say..."nah, I'm cool with what I've got, thanks though, I'm good". It's not an excuse to be complacent, because I know that won't happen with me--I'm too much a ball of energy. But it's refreshing to be comfortable with the way things are.
I can't express how nice it feels to say "I'm good" and mean it!
It's "ineffable"! =o)