Fender LiveBlogs The Avengers...
I got to see it thanks to a friend for free, so no money went to anyone I don't like. I wish I could give all the actors, like, $5 apiece though for being so damned perfect. Should I clap because Whedon didn't royally fuck this up? Nah, I can just wallow in my bitterness that if he put half the effort into Season 7, 8, and 9 of BtVS that he put into this film, I wouldn't hate him as much as I do. In the immortal words of Tom Hiddleston, "Ehehehe!"
- Alexis Denisof?
- Agent Coulson is so awesome.
- I keep hearing Nick Fury yelling, "I WAS TOLD I WOULD BE PAID IN SNO-CONES!"
- "CAW CAW MUTHAFUCKA!"
- It's my sugar-baby-pudding-pop! And he's crazy as hell!
- "I am Loki of Asgard, and I am burdened with glorious sass."
- Loki, sugar-dumpling, we need to talk about your hair. I could run an entire middle school cafeteria with the amount of grease in your raven locks. PANTENE'D!
- Tom Hiddleston's lips should not be allowed to shape the word "boot"... or "snuffleupagus."
- Loki, that is not how you get into a car. Do you even know what a car is?
- Maria Hill, Super Agent! And Agent Coulson is even more awesome for being more concerned about his people than the tech they were carrying.
- Well, S.H.I.E.L.D. just got turned into Sunnydale. Congrats.
- It's the one that says "Badass MotherFucker."
- Crap, I need subtitles for Black Widow's interrogation. Fuck.
- I suppose a woman kicking ass in a tight dress is Whedon's trademark. Black Widow is still amazing though.
- Oh, Bruce. "I'm sorry, that was mean." Bruce, you're breaking my heart.
- Ass of Chris Evans. I've missed you! And hi, Cappy! :D
- Pepper and Tony are having 12% of a moment.
- Coulson and Cap are adorable. *hearts*
- Loki is transitioning into the Other World! He's gonna get raped by Pyramid-Head! *screams*
- Stop crying, Loki! You got yourself into this mess!
- That split second in Stuttgart when Loki smiles is too much like Tom Hiddleston. That's why it was only a 79% match on the Biometric Analysis. XD
- Joss also trademarks handsome fellows in long black coats who know how to make an entrance.
- I find Loki's helmet very appealing.
- I hope that the whole Loki-is-compatible-with-Hitler thing is the tritest Joss's writing will get in this film. Seriously, Whedon? I hope you were going for Golden Age level of cheese with that 'cause it's just lazy and cheap.
- Reindeer Games.
- The fact that Loki's costume is apparently able to disappear and reappear at will is pretty hot.
- "What's the matter? Scared of a little lightning?" "I'm not overly fond of what follows." Aww, Loki knows his big brother is coming for him.
- Thor, do not unbuckle your brother out of his safety seat while the vehicle is in motion! For the love of Odin, he's gonna spill his juicebox!
- "There's only one God, ma'am." Oh, Cap, you cliche motherfucker, even your cum is stars-and-stripes, isn't it? AMURRICA FUCK YEAH!
- Daaaaayum, Thor's biceps have gotten bigger!
- The fun thing about Loki is that what he says always has logic to it. That's the glory of true mischief.
- "You think yourself above them?" "Well... yes."
- I've got so many brother feels right now. "You come home!" Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
- Huginn and Muninn! Daddy Odin is watching over his boys!
- Loki, you little shit, don't sit up on the rocks and smirk while Big Brother handles the Man of Iron. RUN AWAY.
- Thor's head is harder than Iron Man's helmet. Of course, it is. XD
- LOKI, DID YOU SERIOUSLY STAY ON THAT CLIFF AND WAIT FOR THOR TO COME AND GET YOU?! Could you be more obvious that you're creating a trap for everyone by getting caught? You're such a fucking little shit. Agh! I can't even!
- Loki doesn't even know what a magazine is, Nick.
- "He's adopted." Thor, you are a big bag of dicks. This is why Loki is evil. (I'm kidding, of course, but really? Why does being adopted sound so horrible coming from you? So easily it is for you to be dismissive of your brother who you were just speechifying at. "Did that mean nothing to you?!" Well, you know what? I hope you find out that Frigga's not your real mom in Thor 2! I hope you see how it feels to be dismissed because of one's parentage!)
- GALAGA.
- Cap only understands a few references.
- The tip of Loki's spear looks like the LUST harness from SE7EN. I'm just saying.
- So... this whole film is just the Yoko Factor?
- SPANGEL-Y.
- Jane is safe, at least.
- "Big antlers..." Chaos demons?
- "In my youth, I courted war..." You mean last year, Thor? When you were plotting the genocide of an entire race but Natalie Portman's "love" showed you the way to being a righteous and benevolent ruler? I'm sorry, but you are a big bag of dicks. I say that with all of the love in my heart because you are my squishy, Thor, but Christ... if you don't get under my skin sometimes.
- "Can you wipe out that much red?" Aaaaaaand we're moving into Dead Things.
- Loki and Natasha = "I never knew you had so much rage in you." "What can I say? I'm the world's best actress." "Second best." "Graduation day? Did we miss anything?" "I think that we know all that she knows." "You played me? YOU PLAYED ME!" *slow clap*
- Back to the Yoko Factor. It's funnier with Drunk!Giles. "I'm sorry. Did we come to your planet and blow stuff up?" I stand corrected. I want Giles to get drunk with Fury.
- I can understand why Jeremy Renner said this wasn't the role he signed on for. I'd be disappointed if this was all I got to do.
- "You people are so petty and tiny."
- Oh, Bruce... Bruce, no...
- Thor, where did you leave Mew-Mew? How many walls did it have to break through?
- "Target angry!" Oh, I hope that guy survived.
- "Are you ever not going to fall for that?" I have a headcanon that Loki's been fooling Thor with his illusions like this since they were itty bitty baby godlings.
- Phil, nooooo! I was spoiled for this, but still-- nooooooooo!
- Loki, why are you doing this to me? Why? What did I ever do to deserve you being such an ass to your brother and the whole world? All I ever did was try to love you and give you hugs, but you only repay me with sass and murder.
- It's a Whedon project. Of course, someone likable was going to die with a sudden sucking wound to the chest. Didn't you know that? YOU GOT JOSS'D!
- "Ow! Sissy-kicker!" "Let go of my hair!"
- It's like Thor-Boggle.
- That's right, Phil. Keep the villain speechifying. He's an insecure asshole; he NEEDS to speechify.
- Cap and Tony are my favourite couple.
- I bet Coulson is not dead. He'll be back for the sequel.
- Aww, Big Brother feels unworthy of Mew-Mew because he can't save or stop Loki.
- "Well, then, son, you've got a condition." I want this old man to be a reoccurring character.
- "Loki is full-tilt diva... Son of a bitch."
- "Glow Stick of Destiny..." If the Tesseract is made of Mountain Dew, I will choke a bitch.
- "This usually works." "Performance issues?" / "I'm only 126!" "Maybe you should wait half an hour and try again." Thank you, The Initiative.
- The Iron Man suit looks so good.
- Tom Hiddleston's battle-cry is the stuff of legend.
- The single tear that falls from Loki's eye after he stabs Thor and says, "Sentiment" = WHY?!
- Loki blew up a Dr. Pepper truck! All that innocent soda! That bastard! Oh, wait...
- "I don't see how that's a party." = Best line in the movie.
- BRUCE! You are my hero! :D
- Thor can just stare at blasts as hot as the sun apparently.
- There's the trailer shot.
- GOD OF THUNDER! BY THE POWER OF MJOLNIR! I mean, BY THE POWER OF MEW-MEW!
- And Thor gets smashed in his big Norse face.
- "I recognize that the Council has made a decision, but given that it is a stupid-ass decision I've chosen to ignore it." YOU TELL ME WHERE MY SUIT IS, WOMAN!
- Loki is not that puny. *sighs and gets out the first aid kit* We're going to need so many many Bandaids.
- Oh, Dr. Selvig.
- Right in my feels. Pepper, get your phone!
- Time for shawarma.
- Loki stop being so damned adorable when you're defeated.
- STAN LEE CAMEO! Just your daily reminder that Jack Kirby died penniless.
- Who is that waitress? I recognize her, but I can't place her. (ETA: Oh, it's Dreama Little from CSI: LV.)
- I find Loki's muzzle very sexy. Unfortunately, he's going to be spending eternity in time-out by the looks of it... after Odin takes a belt to his ass.
- Stark Tower looks like a llama.
- THANOS! Of course... now where's my Fantastic Four movie, you assholes?! Gimme! I need my Reed Richards/Victor Von Doom feels! I need Latverian flags EVERYWHERE!
- Thor, chew your shawarma with your mouth closed. Were you raised in a barn with Odin's chariot goats?
You know, since Joss likes to claim that everything bad about his films is really the fault of other people (the Kazuis, the actors in his Alien film, FOX not understanding his vision), I'm just going to give all the credit for the good things in the Avengers to Zak Penn. It doesn't matter if none of his original screenplay survived to the final cut. I'm still giving him credit. How does it feel, Whedon, ya sad sack of old oats?! ETA: It doesn't help that I felt like most of the best lines in the film were ripped right out of the BtVS playbook. This is the first time I've viewed this film, and it was really bugging me the whole way through as I noted.
- Alexis Denisof?
- Agent Coulson is so awesome.
- I keep hearing Nick Fury yelling, "I WAS TOLD I WOULD BE PAID IN SNO-CONES!"
- "CAW CAW MUTHAFUCKA!"
- It's my sugar-baby-pudding-pop! And he's crazy as hell!
- "I am Loki of Asgard, and I am burdened with glorious sass."
- Loki, sugar-dumpling, we need to talk about your hair. I could run an entire middle school cafeteria with the amount of grease in your raven locks. PANTENE'D!
- Tom Hiddleston's lips should not be allowed to shape the word "boot"... or "snuffleupagus."
- Loki, that is not how you get into a car. Do you even know what a car is?
- Maria Hill, Super Agent! And Agent Coulson is even more awesome for being more concerned about his people than the tech they were carrying.
- Well, S.H.I.E.L.D. just got turned into Sunnydale. Congrats.
- It's the one that says "Badass MotherFucker."
- Crap, I need subtitles for Black Widow's interrogation. Fuck.
- I suppose a woman kicking ass in a tight dress is Whedon's trademark. Black Widow is still amazing though.
- Oh, Bruce. "I'm sorry, that was mean." Bruce, you're breaking my heart.
- Ass of Chris Evans. I've missed you! And hi, Cappy! :D
- Pepper and Tony are having 12% of a moment.
- Coulson and Cap are adorable. *hearts*
- Loki is transitioning into the Other World! He's gonna get raped by Pyramid-Head! *screams*
- Stop crying, Loki! You got yourself into this mess!
- That split second in Stuttgart when Loki smiles is too much like Tom Hiddleston. That's why it was only a 79% match on the Biometric Analysis. XD
- Joss also trademarks handsome fellows in long black coats who know how to make an entrance.
- I find Loki's helmet very appealing.
- I hope that the whole Loki-is-compatible-with-Hitler thing is the tritest Joss's writing will get in this film. Seriously, Whedon? I hope you were going for Golden Age level of cheese with that 'cause it's just lazy and cheap.
- Reindeer Games.
- The fact that Loki's costume is apparently able to disappear and reappear at will is pretty hot.
- "What's the matter? Scared of a little lightning?" "I'm not overly fond of what follows." Aww, Loki knows his big brother is coming for him.
- Thor, do not unbuckle your brother out of his safety seat while the vehicle is in motion! For the love of Odin, he's gonna spill his juicebox!
- "There's only one God, ma'am." Oh, Cap, you cliche motherfucker, even your cum is stars-and-stripes, isn't it? AMURRICA FUCK YEAH!
- Daaaaayum, Thor's biceps have gotten bigger!
- The fun thing about Loki is that what he says always has logic to it. That's the glory of true mischief.
- "You think yourself above them?" "Well... yes."
- I've got so many brother feels right now. "You come home!" Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
- Huginn and Muninn! Daddy Odin is watching over his boys!
- Loki, you little shit, don't sit up on the rocks and smirk while Big Brother handles the Man of Iron. RUN AWAY.
- Thor's head is harder than Iron Man's helmet. Of course, it is. XD
- LOKI, DID YOU SERIOUSLY STAY ON THAT CLIFF AND WAIT FOR THOR TO COME AND GET YOU?! Could you be more obvious that you're creating a trap for everyone by getting caught? You're such a fucking little shit. Agh! I can't even!
- Loki doesn't even know what a magazine is, Nick.
- "He's adopted." Thor, you are a big bag of dicks. This is why Loki is evil. (I'm kidding, of course, but really? Why does being adopted sound so horrible coming from you? So easily it is for you to be dismissive of your brother who you were just speechifying at. "Did that mean nothing to you?!" Well, you know what? I hope you find out that Frigga's not your real mom in Thor 2! I hope you see how it feels to be dismissed because of one's parentage!)
- GALAGA.
- Cap only understands a few references.
- The tip of Loki's spear looks like the LUST harness from SE7EN. I'm just saying.
- So... this whole film is just the Yoko Factor?
- SPANGEL-Y.
- Jane is safe, at least.
- "Big antlers..." Chaos demons?
- "In my youth, I courted war..." You mean last year, Thor? When you were plotting the genocide of an entire race but Natalie Portman's "love" showed you the way to being a righteous and benevolent ruler? I'm sorry, but you are a big bag of dicks. I say that with all of the love in my heart because you are my squishy, Thor, but Christ... if you don't get under my skin sometimes.
- "Can you wipe out that much red?" Aaaaaaand we're moving into Dead Things.
- Loki and Natasha = "I never knew you had so much rage in you." "What can I say? I'm the world's best actress." "Second best." "Graduation day? Did we miss anything?" "I think that we know all that she knows." "You played me? YOU PLAYED ME!" *slow clap*
- Back to the Yoko Factor. It's funnier with Drunk!Giles. "I'm sorry. Did we come to your planet and blow stuff up?" I stand corrected. I want Giles to get drunk with Fury.
- I can understand why Jeremy Renner said this wasn't the role he signed on for. I'd be disappointed if this was all I got to do.
- "You people are so petty and tiny."
- Oh, Bruce... Bruce, no...
- Thor, where did you leave Mew-Mew? How many walls did it have to break through?
- "Target angry!" Oh, I hope that guy survived.
- "Are you ever not going to fall for that?" I have a headcanon that Loki's been fooling Thor with his illusions like this since they were itty bitty baby godlings.
- Phil, nooooo! I was spoiled for this, but still-- nooooooooo!
- Loki, why are you doing this to me? Why? What did I ever do to deserve you being such an ass to your brother and the whole world? All I ever did was try to love you and give you hugs, but you only repay me with sass and murder.
- It's a Whedon project. Of course, someone likable was going to die with a sudden sucking wound to the chest. Didn't you know that? YOU GOT JOSS'D!
- "Ow! Sissy-kicker!" "Let go of my hair!"
- It's like Thor-Boggle.
- That's right, Phil. Keep the villain speechifying. He's an insecure asshole; he NEEDS to speechify.
- Cap and Tony are my favourite couple.
- I bet Coulson is not dead. He'll be back for the sequel.
- Aww, Big Brother feels unworthy of Mew-Mew because he can't save or stop Loki.
- "Well, then, son, you've got a condition." I want this old man to be a reoccurring character.
- "Loki is full-tilt diva... Son of a bitch."
- "Glow Stick of Destiny..." If the Tesseract is made of Mountain Dew, I will choke a bitch.
- "This usually works." "Performance issues?" / "I'm only 126!" "Maybe you should wait half an hour and try again." Thank you, The Initiative.
- The Iron Man suit looks so good.
- Tom Hiddleston's battle-cry is the stuff of legend.
- The single tear that falls from Loki's eye after he stabs Thor and says, "Sentiment" = WHY?!
- Loki blew up a Dr. Pepper truck! All that innocent soda! That bastard! Oh, wait...
- "I don't see how that's a party." = Best line in the movie.
- BRUCE! You are my hero! :D
- Thor can just stare at blasts as hot as the sun apparently.
- There's the trailer shot.
- GOD OF THUNDER! BY THE POWER OF MJOLNIR! I mean, BY THE POWER OF MEW-MEW!
- And Thor gets smashed in his big Norse face.
- "I recognize that the Council has made a decision, but given that it is a stupid-ass decision I've chosen to ignore it." YOU TELL ME WHERE MY SUIT IS, WOMAN!
- Loki is not that puny. *sighs and gets out the first aid kit* We're going to need so many many Bandaids.
- Oh, Dr. Selvig.
- Right in my feels. Pepper, get your phone!
- Time for shawarma.
- Loki stop being so damned adorable when you're defeated.
- STAN LEE CAMEO! Just your daily reminder that Jack Kirby died penniless.
- Who is that waitress? I recognize her, but I can't place her. (ETA: Oh, it's Dreama Little from CSI: LV.)
- I find Loki's muzzle very sexy. Unfortunately, he's going to be spending eternity in time-out by the looks of it... after Odin takes a belt to his ass.
- Stark Tower looks like a llama.
- THANOS! Of course... now where's my Fantastic Four movie, you assholes?! Gimme! I need my Reed Richards/Victor Von Doom feels! I need Latverian flags EVERYWHERE!
- Thor, chew your shawarma with your mouth closed. Were you raised in a barn with Odin's chariot goats?
You know, since Joss likes to claim that everything bad about his films is really the fault of other people (the Kazuis, the actors in his Alien film, FOX not understanding his vision), I'm just going to give all the credit for the good things in the Avengers to Zak Penn. It doesn't matter if none of his original screenplay survived to the final cut. I'm still giving him credit. How does it feel, Whedon, ya sad sack of old oats?! ETA: It doesn't help that I felt like most of the best lines in the film were ripped right out of the BtVS playbook. This is the first time I've viewed this film, and it was really bugging me the whole way through as I noted.