Congratulations! You're a Slayer. Now, Plz Go Die.
So, Fender has been thinking a lot about what it means to be a Slayer for the past few days, and I realized that the only way I could suss things out is to do things my way- i.e. make up a hypothetical type of ficlet and draw a comic... and this is what happened...
Word of warning: Don't hate me because I make my own fun. I love you guys. :D
Fender: *walks along* Tra la la... Potato chip lyrics are so redonkulous...
Buffy: YOU!!!
Fender: Bzuhuh?
Buffy: *pulls out a welcome banner* Congrats! You're a Slayer.
Fender: *humorous disbelief* I'm a what now?
Buffy: You're a Slayer. Welcome to the Sisterhood of the Traveling Sith... I mean, Scythe.
Fender: No... I really don't want that... Like at all.
Buffy: Well, it's your destiny.
Fender: Destiny can fuck off. I've got things to do, like play Farmville.
Buffy: Wait! You can't just shirk your destiny!
Fender: I can shirk! Watch me shirk! I can shirk all damn day.
Buffy: But being a Slayer will give your life purpose and meaning that no ordinary woman could ever know!
Fender: Look, I'm going to get my PhD. My life will have plenty of purpose and meaning in it. Besides, who made the decision that I was going to be a Slayer?
Buffy: The Uuuuuuniverse. *spirit fingers*
Fender: I thought it was a bunch of ancient Shadow Men...
Buffy: But it's prewritten...
Fender: Prewritten before whom? Being a Slayer sounds more like a genetic mutation or a generationally random STD.
Buffy: But you get super healing powers and super strength. *flexes her lack of muscle definition in her nonexistent bicep*
Fender: Yeah, that breaks all laws of physics. I've got protein shakes, wheat grass, and a Chuck Norris Total Gym at home that is gathering dust that would probably do me just as much good.
Buffy: But you'll be connected to a whole legacy of strong positive female role models!
Fender: I've already got that. My grandmother used to pick cotton for fourteen hours a day with her bare hands, and my mom's a single mother who busted her ass working a job she hates so that I could have a good life.
Buffy: ... You get to fight demons?
Fender: I like demons, specifically my demons who I consider my close personal friends.
Buffy: Well... YOU DON'T GET A CHOICE! I'M GOING TO ACTIVATE YOUR SLAYER POWERS ANYWAY! HAHA!
Fender: Why would you do that?
Buffy: Because it's THE ONLY WAY to save the world.
Fender: Wait, didn't the Shadow Guys offer you extra-super-superpowers so that you could single-handedly save everyone?
Buffy: O_O;;; ... *activates Fender's powers anyway*
*BIG GLOWY SORORITY GLOW*
Fender: Oh, for the love of... That was it, wasn't it? *starts to walk away*
Buffy: Where are you going?! You have to fight the forces of darkness!
Fender: *flips her the bird*
Buffy: You're being selfish! You've been CHOSEN! You have to fight... or else!
Fender: Or else what?
Buffy: *points in Germany's direction as all the conscientious-objector-Slayers are eaten and molested by a tentacle beast*
Fender: Sweet Christ, what kind of monster are you?
Buffy: I'm not a monster!
Fender: You spent seven years complaining about how you didn't get a choice, which is fair. It sucks to be the only one who has to shoulder a burden. We get it! But you weren't alone; you had friends and a support system that no other Slayer ever had! So the big show comes down, and you're offered one chance to save everyone yourself- take in more demon essence which is already a part of who you are- but instead you foist your burden on others, hoping that maybe you won't feel so horribly alone but it didn't fix anything. You made everything worse, and you're no better for it. Get over it and do something to help the people who are asking for it. Stop space-frakking your childhood crush and let go of the glow.
Buffy: *dissolves into a crumpled heap of glycerine tears* Why are you rejecting your birth-right?!
Fender: Because I'm a special unique snowflake all on my own.
*A helicopter appears overhead with a rope ladder descending*
Fender: Is that a stealth helicopter?
Buffy: You've won this round! But I'll be back! Spike will make you accept your fate!
Fender: The only thing that will happen if you do that is the cockpit will get a whole new meaning... and by that I mean I'll make Spike and Angel have naked fun-times in there.
Buffy: Ewwwwwwww.
The End.
:D
Word of warning: Don't hate me because I make my own fun. I love you guys. :D
Fender: *walks along* Tra la la... Potato chip lyrics are so redonkulous...
Buffy: YOU!!!
Fender: Bzuhuh?
Buffy: *pulls out a welcome banner* Congrats! You're a Slayer.
Fender: *humorous disbelief* I'm a what now?
Buffy: You're a Slayer. Welcome to the Sisterhood of the Traveling Sith... I mean, Scythe.
Fender: No... I really don't want that... Like at all.
Buffy: Well, it's your destiny.
Fender: Destiny can fuck off. I've got things to do, like play Farmville.
Buffy: Wait! You can't just shirk your destiny!
Fender: I can shirk! Watch me shirk! I can shirk all damn day.
Buffy: But being a Slayer will give your life purpose and meaning that no ordinary woman could ever know!
Fender: Look, I'm going to get my PhD. My life will have plenty of purpose and meaning in it. Besides, who made the decision that I was going to be a Slayer?
Buffy: The Uuuuuuniverse. *spirit fingers*
Fender: I thought it was a bunch of ancient Shadow Men...
Buffy: But it's prewritten...
Fender: Prewritten before whom? Being a Slayer sounds more like a genetic mutation or a generationally random STD.
Buffy: But you get super healing powers and super strength. *flexes her lack of muscle definition in her nonexistent bicep*
Fender: Yeah, that breaks all laws of physics. I've got protein shakes, wheat grass, and a Chuck Norris Total Gym at home that is gathering dust that would probably do me just as much good.
Buffy: But you'll be connected to a whole legacy of strong positive female role models!
Fender: I've already got that. My grandmother used to pick cotton for fourteen hours a day with her bare hands, and my mom's a single mother who busted her ass working a job she hates so that I could have a good life.
Buffy: ... You get to fight demons?
Fender: I like demons, specifically my demons who I consider my close personal friends.
Buffy: Well... YOU DON'T GET A CHOICE! I'M GOING TO ACTIVATE YOUR SLAYER POWERS ANYWAY! HAHA!
Fender: Why would you do that?
Buffy: Because it's THE ONLY WAY to save the world.
Fender: Wait, didn't the Shadow Guys offer you extra-super-superpowers so that you could single-handedly save everyone?
Buffy: O_O;;; ... *activates Fender's powers anyway*
*BIG GLOWY SORORITY GLOW*
Fender: Oh, for the love of... That was it, wasn't it? *starts to walk away*
Buffy: Where are you going?! You have to fight the forces of darkness!
Fender: *flips her the bird*
Buffy: You're being selfish! You've been CHOSEN! You have to fight... or else!
Fender: Or else what?
Buffy: *points in Germany's direction as all the conscientious-objector-Slayers are eaten and molested by a tentacle beast*
Fender: Sweet Christ, what kind of monster are you?
Buffy: I'm not a monster!
Fender: You spent seven years complaining about how you didn't get a choice, which is fair. It sucks to be the only one who has to shoulder a burden. We get it! But you weren't alone; you had friends and a support system that no other Slayer ever had! So the big show comes down, and you're offered one chance to save everyone yourself- take in more demon essence which is already a part of who you are- but instead you foist your burden on others, hoping that maybe you won't feel so horribly alone but it didn't fix anything. You made everything worse, and you're no better for it. Get over it and do something to help the people who are asking for it. Stop space-frakking your childhood crush and let go of the glow.
Buffy: *dissolves into a crumpled heap of glycerine tears* Why are you rejecting your birth-right?!
Fender: Because I'm a special unique snowflake all on my own.
*A helicopter appears overhead with a rope ladder descending*
Fender: Is that a stealth helicopter?
Buffy: You've won this round! But I'll be back! Spike will make you accept your fate!
Fender: The only thing that will happen if you do that is the cockpit will get a whole new meaning... and by that I mean I'll make Spike and Angel have naked fun-times in there.
Buffy: Ewwwwwwww.
The End.
:D