looking for some light
sometimes it helps to spend time with a friend one on one. no group action.
lauren and i make amazing music. we flow on the same basic wavelength and it's always very refreshing to be with her. i freaked out last night at the concert to some extent. i was twitching and unfocused and self concious and i wanted to break free. ive lacked a lot of guidance because i havent been able to ask. i stood there cursing myself for dancing but not listening the way i could have been. reprimanding myself as if it gets me anywhere. but what is the alternative? im just human im just makingmy mistakes but it seems easier said than done. im just trying to let this self deprication die down.
im a little directionless right now...i know where i need to go for that. i will.
im forgetting a little that i am a creature of energy and love. im forgetting that i can be loved. im not respecting my sexuality enough. i loathe my body...i see imperfections instead of loving the way i am built. i am learning to eat balanced and im walking great deals (especially now that my bike was stolen), i feel physically good. im keeping good posture and im breathing deeper. but it's a trip. it's not always the easiest journey. no doubting that...i defintely dont expect that, i know that is just not how things work. i think i just have to stop hating myself when im not feeling the best i can. part of that is because im a very social person. i react more than is necessary. i need to take time being quiet and hearing people. whenever im not up to being outgoing i curse myself. back to my physical appearance. i feel beautiful. i just feel like my body is absurd. i am a masculine sign and have a lot of that masculine energy that encompasses geminis and i see a lot of angst within me but i am a female. i love my female organs. i love what my body does. i just get so so so confused.
i used to think i was transgendered because when i would masturbate, usually if i was thinking about a guy i would imagine myself as the guy being with a grrl. i dont think that means that i am transgendered, i think that means im curious and also that i harness a very masculine energy.
so much of this hate comes from not believing that people love me. this is not a cry to hear people tell me that they love me because the further i get this out the more i realize that although on the surface at first i want to be pacified quickly, i dont want anyone to play into this insecurity. i am bigger than this. this is an illusion. it's just not real. it;s here right now and i am going through the ever present suffering that takes many forms. but i am not limitted to my insecurity. and i can get through this myself. not alone but certainly noone has an answer here. there isnt much of an answer to begin with. i just am. i have to work through this on my terms.
im crying out of sheer joy of seeing light through all this complication. through these problems. sheer joy.
you are alive. you are in your skin and i am in this skin and we can just feel enough to break through that separation and become one. we can fall in love because love is in everyone. we dont have to denounce anything other than wanting to laso and keep and box and censor and REMAIN. we can just exist, feeling as every second goes by. that is where love grows and thrives.
i love you
lauren and i make amazing music. we flow on the same basic wavelength and it's always very refreshing to be with her. i freaked out last night at the concert to some extent. i was twitching and unfocused and self concious and i wanted to break free. ive lacked a lot of guidance because i havent been able to ask. i stood there cursing myself for dancing but not listening the way i could have been. reprimanding myself as if it gets me anywhere. but what is the alternative? im just human im just makingmy mistakes but it seems easier said than done. im just trying to let this self deprication die down.
im a little directionless right now...i know where i need to go for that. i will.
im forgetting a little that i am a creature of energy and love. im forgetting that i can be loved. im not respecting my sexuality enough. i loathe my body...i see imperfections instead of loving the way i am built. i am learning to eat balanced and im walking great deals (especially now that my bike was stolen), i feel physically good. im keeping good posture and im breathing deeper. but it's a trip. it's not always the easiest journey. no doubting that...i defintely dont expect that, i know that is just not how things work. i think i just have to stop hating myself when im not feeling the best i can. part of that is because im a very social person. i react more than is necessary. i need to take time being quiet and hearing people. whenever im not up to being outgoing i curse myself. back to my physical appearance. i feel beautiful. i just feel like my body is absurd. i am a masculine sign and have a lot of that masculine energy that encompasses geminis and i see a lot of angst within me but i am a female. i love my female organs. i love what my body does. i just get so so so confused.
i used to think i was transgendered because when i would masturbate, usually if i was thinking about a guy i would imagine myself as the guy being with a grrl. i dont think that means that i am transgendered, i think that means im curious and also that i harness a very masculine energy.
so much of this hate comes from not believing that people love me. this is not a cry to hear people tell me that they love me because the further i get this out the more i realize that although on the surface at first i want to be pacified quickly, i dont want anyone to play into this insecurity. i am bigger than this. this is an illusion. it's just not real. it;s here right now and i am going through the ever present suffering that takes many forms. but i am not limitted to my insecurity. and i can get through this myself. not alone but certainly noone has an answer here. there isnt much of an answer to begin with. i just am. i have to work through this on my terms.
im crying out of sheer joy of seeing light through all this complication. through these problems. sheer joy.
you are alive. you are in your skin and i am in this skin and we can just feel enough to break through that separation and become one. we can fall in love because love is in everyone. we dont have to denounce anything other than wanting to laso and keep and box and censor and REMAIN. we can just exist, feeling as every second goes by. that is where love grows and thrives.
i love you