Femme Heartbreak
I've been writing again, this time on Femme Heartbreak would love feedback and discussion...
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I’ve never been good at break ups. Every time a love relationship ends I fall apart. I binge eat and make an appointment with my couch and the television. I find myself crying uncontrollably on the shower floor. I tell myself that I’m not always going to feel this way. I have good days where little things set me off and I only cry a couple of times. I crawl into a little sad heartbroken hole and wait to heal. Wait for my heart to knit its self back together. Wait for the healing I know will come but only after many many dark days of heartbreak.
Even the most extreme romantic heartbreak can’t hold a feather to Femme Heartbreak. There is a strength soldered in the strut of stiletto-clad luscious ladies walking down the street. A solidarity in shared politics giving birth to revolutionary artistic vision. The dreams of counter-culture queerness and the pleasures of femme on femme action.
I’ve seen it time and time again. We make friends. We are fierce and fabulous. We shape the world like no other. We go wedding dress shopping. We go on tour. We plan an art festival. We pet our cats. Femmes work hard, we hold down full-time jobs, make copies at work for cupcake sales in support of trans top surgery. We also volunteer because we believe in change believe in our ability change in the world. We are the fucking glue that holds any movement for social justice, any community together. Just talk to your local Femme and learn how she is a single mom, server, and anti-death penalty advocate.
What Femmes do is very much also how Femmes create. Clearly we are not brainless finger-nail polished automatons or everyday rhinestone tiara wearers. I have found the most powerful Femme community in living my politics and creating beautiful art, activism, and community. However it is also this creation which brings Femme Heartbreak.
Sometimes it’s like there is only room for three of us. Three of us to have the hottest trans-masculine boyfriend. Room for three queer art tours. Space for three fat sex objects. Space for three Femme conferences. Only a few of us can be the most bright, the most bedecked in designer accessories, the most diva delicious delightful.
Together we have found power in the community we build. We try (Femme Mafia) and try again (Femme Sharks, Femme Family, Sweet Potato Cakes), we work to build a network stronger than our own fears of scarcity. Sometimes we succeed. Sometimes we fail. And it’s in the failure that Femme Heartbreak strikes. There are women, women I thought I’d have till my old crone days. Together we would drink hard liquor, watch drag shows, create beautiful art and dream of prince/ess charming. Women that if anything dramatic, interesting, exciting or sad happened were on my speed dial and knew before anyone else. Ladies that had my back, side middle, top and front.
So what happens when our beloved community starts to fall apart? What happens when conflicts about race and class start to pull us apart? When our leaders become more invested in their own fame over our community? When being Femme by default means owning designer labels and being rich? When you love someone but they are acting a fool? When organizations, projects, leaders you loved start to crumble all around you? I’m not leaving myself out of this, I’ve been heartbroken, and I’ve been the heartbreaker.
Sometimes in response I shrink smaller. I prioritize time with Femmes of color. I focus on creating my art rather that producing an art show. Sometimes I have momentary feelings of superiority. But I shouldn’t because when Femme community dies, fades away, or competes we all lose.
If nothing else, in the past few years my spiritual practice has started to show me a way. I believe in abundance. I don’t believe that there is only room for three of us to succeed, be leaders, beautiful, inspiring, and transformative. I think there is a way through Femme Heartbreak because the truth is just because we’re heartbroken does not mean that we go anywhere. We still live in the same communities, organize the same events and generally try and make the world better than it was before. Heartbroken Femmes will see each other time and time again for years to come. The question then becomes how do we survive Femme heartbreak?
We survive by letting go of the heartbreak, hatred, and sadness that plagues us when the deepest of our friendships leave us. By offering a smile or hug to our fellow heartbroken Femme sister. By trying again to channel our creative forces to create community. Even if it’s something small or just happens once you are still building a way for Femmes to come together. Take care of yourself, eat healthy, meditate, pet your cat, and take a long hot baths. Pick that heart up put it back in your chest, know that everyone did the best they could with what they had at the time. Know that we are all constantly growing and evolving. There’s hope for even the most narcissistic and materialistic of us. That we are not single-handedly responsible for Femme culture. That gender is constantly evolving and who knows what we might identify as 20 years from now. That forgiveness, letting go of bad juju, and living the best possible version of your life is the best triple threat cure for Femme Heartbreak.
And let’s be real I could have entitled this piece People of Color Heartbreak, Union Heartbreak, Queer Youth Organizers Heartbreak, etc. But Femme is more of my core these days than in previous years. Femme is where I hang my hat, pursue, cock, and all my accessories.
And if you see this piece, and think I’m talking about you specifically consider this writing an olive branch, a white flag. An admission that I am not longer interested in fighting or drama. And know that I love you fiercely with my whole heart, still even now, despite Femme Heartbreak
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I’ve never been good at break ups. Every time a love relationship ends I fall apart. I binge eat and make an appointment with my couch and the television. I find myself crying uncontrollably on the shower floor. I tell myself that I’m not always going to feel this way. I have good days where little things set me off and I only cry a couple of times. I crawl into a little sad heartbroken hole and wait to heal. Wait for my heart to knit its self back together. Wait for the healing I know will come but only after many many dark days of heartbreak.
Even the most extreme romantic heartbreak can’t hold a feather to Femme Heartbreak. There is a strength soldered in the strut of stiletto-clad luscious ladies walking down the street. A solidarity in shared politics giving birth to revolutionary artistic vision. The dreams of counter-culture queerness and the pleasures of femme on femme action.
I’ve seen it time and time again. We make friends. We are fierce and fabulous. We shape the world like no other. We go wedding dress shopping. We go on tour. We plan an art festival. We pet our cats. Femmes work hard, we hold down full-time jobs, make copies at work for cupcake sales in support of trans top surgery. We also volunteer because we believe in change believe in our ability change in the world. We are the fucking glue that holds any movement for social justice, any community together. Just talk to your local Femme and learn how she is a single mom, server, and anti-death penalty advocate.
What Femmes do is very much also how Femmes create. Clearly we are not brainless finger-nail polished automatons or everyday rhinestone tiara wearers. I have found the most powerful Femme community in living my politics and creating beautiful art, activism, and community. However it is also this creation which brings Femme Heartbreak.
Sometimes it’s like there is only room for three of us. Three of us to have the hottest trans-masculine boyfriend. Room for three queer art tours. Space for three fat sex objects. Space for three Femme conferences. Only a few of us can be the most bright, the most bedecked in designer accessories, the most diva delicious delightful.
Together we have found power in the community we build. We try (Femme Mafia) and try again (Femme Sharks, Femme Family, Sweet Potato Cakes), we work to build a network stronger than our own fears of scarcity. Sometimes we succeed. Sometimes we fail. And it’s in the failure that Femme Heartbreak strikes. There are women, women I thought I’d have till my old crone days. Together we would drink hard liquor, watch drag shows, create beautiful art and dream of prince/ess charming. Women that if anything dramatic, interesting, exciting or sad happened were on my speed dial and knew before anyone else. Ladies that had my back, side middle, top and front.
So what happens when our beloved community starts to fall apart? What happens when conflicts about race and class start to pull us apart? When our leaders become more invested in their own fame over our community? When being Femme by default means owning designer labels and being rich? When you love someone but they are acting a fool? When organizations, projects, leaders you loved start to crumble all around you? I’m not leaving myself out of this, I’ve been heartbroken, and I’ve been the heartbreaker.
Sometimes in response I shrink smaller. I prioritize time with Femmes of color. I focus on creating my art rather that producing an art show. Sometimes I have momentary feelings of superiority. But I shouldn’t because when Femme community dies, fades away, or competes we all lose.
If nothing else, in the past few years my spiritual practice has started to show me a way. I believe in abundance. I don’t believe that there is only room for three of us to succeed, be leaders, beautiful, inspiring, and transformative. I think there is a way through Femme Heartbreak because the truth is just because we’re heartbroken does not mean that we go anywhere. We still live in the same communities, organize the same events and generally try and make the world better than it was before. Heartbroken Femmes will see each other time and time again for years to come. The question then becomes how do we survive Femme heartbreak?
We survive by letting go of the heartbreak, hatred, and sadness that plagues us when the deepest of our friendships leave us. By offering a smile or hug to our fellow heartbroken Femme sister. By trying again to channel our creative forces to create community. Even if it’s something small or just happens once you are still building a way for Femmes to come together. Take care of yourself, eat healthy, meditate, pet your cat, and take a long hot baths. Pick that heart up put it back in your chest, know that everyone did the best they could with what they had at the time. Know that we are all constantly growing and evolving. There’s hope for even the most narcissistic and materialistic of us. That we are not single-handedly responsible for Femme culture. That gender is constantly evolving and who knows what we might identify as 20 years from now. That forgiveness, letting go of bad juju, and living the best possible version of your life is the best triple threat cure for Femme Heartbreak.
And let’s be real I could have entitled this piece People of Color Heartbreak, Union Heartbreak, Queer Youth Organizers Heartbreak, etc. But Femme is more of my core these days than in previous years. Femme is where I hang my hat, pursue, cock, and all my accessories.
And if you see this piece, and think I’m talking about you specifically consider this writing an olive branch, a white flag. An admission that I am not longer interested in fighting or drama. And know that I love you fiercely with my whole heart, still even now, despite Femme Heartbreak