All growns up.
I've aged a thousand years.
It has been ages and ages since my last real post on here, I realized the other day. At least I have a good excuse. Many, in fact, and still I don't really feel like talking about the events in my life. However, some themes in particular have been running rampant and I'd like to touch on some of them now for you all now:
Friendship:
Before I met my recently estranged group of friends (strange being the operative word here) back in Sonoma Co, I had never had so many real true honest friends at any one point in my life. Sure I've had lots of friends throughout the years and people have come and gone in my life since I met them (you), but that was the first and only time in my life I had had an entire community of people who loved me and called me Friend. I don't think I'll ever have that again in any other place, but that's okay because I know the place I can always go to return to them and be loved. No matter where you guys go, that will be home to me. You're my family.
Art/Music:
Holy shit. Have you ever, like, LISTENED to it? Recent soul searching has reactivated something in my brain that I haven't tapped into since I was in high school and opened my eye to a completely new level of appreciation for music as well as art. And art. And ART. BTW, holy shit this year has been an absolute overload of beautiful things for my spongy old dry brain to soak up. I have had so many rediscoveries just within myself that have been made me able to shed layers I didn't even know were there and I'm better for it. Which leads to my next theme,
Spirit:
What? A year ago if you told me that I was going to begin looking at my own spirituality and place in the *gasp* metaphysical world I'd have slapped you and called you Susan. I've been doing a lot of soul searching, as I said, and that term itself is a new one on me that I am still shocked to be using. But alas, into the abyss I go, my eye is open. Great time of the year to start believing, eh?
Love:
I've aged a thousand years. It's about fucking time.
Sociality: (it's a new word. I made it up. Just now. Deal.)
Fuck a bunch of climbing social ladders. I'm done trying to impress people. It took a lot for me to face it and admit that I'd been doing that a little. Part of the process, I guess. My whole transition made me very self-centered and blind to a lot of the shit I was doing to ensure that I stayed confident and sane throughout that awkward time. That's all well and good but it's about damn time I grew out of it, especially since that chapter of my life has ended and a new one has begun.
Con't:
People are manipulative. Especially the nice ones. I was very VERY nice, and I still am, but now I am simply real (or at least striving to be). I was naive to my own methods of manipulation as well as my lingering insecurity that in some twisted way diverted me from seeing those methods. I was too proud to admit that I was capable of using anyone for anything, but didn't think past the social taboo of (hey that's bad, you should hide it), and that it's just something that people do and it's not always destructive. That one hit me like a ton of bricks with the word "duh" written on them twice. Self-delusion is a very stinky cologne and smart people smell that shit. Now my mind is free and my self is unraveling, it has become easier to see through others. This is both good and bad. Pedestals have crumbled, trust has been torn, friends have been put in check. At least I'm more picky now about who I trust so that's good. It just sucks knowing that even the ones who mean well will still hurt me. I'm sure I've been that person before without knowing it, but that's no excuse.
Family:
(See above: "Friends")
That's all for now, thanks for reading my novel.
It has been ages and ages since my last real post on here, I realized the other day. At least I have a good excuse. Many, in fact, and still I don't really feel like talking about the events in my life. However, some themes in particular have been running rampant and I'd like to touch on some of them now for you all now:
Friendship:
Before I met my recently estranged group of friends (strange being the operative word here) back in Sonoma Co, I had never had so many real true honest friends at any one point in my life. Sure I've had lots of friends throughout the years and people have come and gone in my life since I met them (you), but that was the first and only time in my life I had had an entire community of people who loved me and called me Friend. I don't think I'll ever have that again in any other place, but that's okay because I know the place I can always go to return to them and be loved. No matter where you guys go, that will be home to me. You're my family.
Art/Music:
Holy shit. Have you ever, like, LISTENED to it? Recent soul searching has reactivated something in my brain that I haven't tapped into since I was in high school and opened my eye to a completely new level of appreciation for music as well as art. And art. And ART. BTW, holy shit this year has been an absolute overload of beautiful things for my spongy old dry brain to soak up. I have had so many rediscoveries just within myself that have been made me able to shed layers I didn't even know were there and I'm better for it. Which leads to my next theme,
Spirit:
What? A year ago if you told me that I was going to begin looking at my own spirituality and place in the *gasp* metaphysical world I'd have slapped you and called you Susan. I've been doing a lot of soul searching, as I said, and that term itself is a new one on me that I am still shocked to be using. But alas, into the abyss I go, my eye is open. Great time of the year to start believing, eh?
Love:
I've aged a thousand years. It's about fucking time.
Sociality: (it's a new word. I made it up. Just now. Deal.)
Fuck a bunch of climbing social ladders. I'm done trying to impress people. It took a lot for me to face it and admit that I'd been doing that a little. Part of the process, I guess. My whole transition made me very self-centered and blind to a lot of the shit I was doing to ensure that I stayed confident and sane throughout that awkward time. That's all well and good but it's about damn time I grew out of it, especially since that chapter of my life has ended and a new one has begun.
Con't:
People are manipulative. Especially the nice ones. I was very VERY nice, and I still am, but now I am simply real (or at least striving to be). I was naive to my own methods of manipulation as well as my lingering insecurity that in some twisted way diverted me from seeing those methods. I was too proud to admit that I was capable of using anyone for anything, but didn't think past the social taboo of (hey that's bad, you should hide it), and that it's just something that people do and it's not always destructive. That one hit me like a ton of bricks with the word "duh" written on them twice. Self-delusion is a very stinky cologne and smart people smell that shit. Now my mind is free and my self is unraveling, it has become easier to see through others. This is both good and bad. Pedestals have crumbled, trust has been torn, friends have been put in check. At least I'm more picky now about who I trust so that's good. It just sucks knowing that even the ones who mean well will still hurt me. I'm sure I've been that person before without knowing it, but that's no excuse.
Family:
(See above: "Friends")
That's all for now, thanks for reading my novel.