Look, I made a pigeon-rat
Tomorrow I will have been home a week and i still dont know what to do. I worked a little this week, which helped get my mind off stuff, but I'm just bored and lonely and miss my best friend. It's weird because when i talk to him i picture exactly where he is in the apartment, or walking to steinway street, or in the subway. i dont know if that helps me or hurts because its so much more specific. Tomorrow is Halloween, my favorite holiday. I want to go out and have a great night but i dont know if it will work out that way.
i feel like i wont be able to go out without taking a xanax. but if i take xanax i wont be able to drink. and that always gets weird. you get the same questions:
1) are you religious?
2) are you pregnant?
3) is someone in your family an alcoholic?
4) are you straight edge?
there should be a number five on there
5) Are you not drinking because you had a slight mental breakdown from living in new york city and you are unable to handle simple tasks because you have so much anxiety you cant function, especially in social situations like this one, so you self medicate to get through an evening that should be a fun time with friends so you abuse xanax before the party so you can make it to the party and then realize you shouldnt drink while on a bunch of xanax?
its not necessarily peer pressure, but people that are drinking always judge the non-drinkers. i have definitely done it to the non-drinkers, whether that was their lifestyle choice or they had a test the next day or something. i only went to a handful of parties where i was completey sober while in college- it was usually because i went out too late and didnt feel like catching up with drinking at 1am, so i just didnt do it. occasionally i was still hungover from the night before, but someone in my group would always counter that excuse with "the best way to cure a hangover is to keep drinking!" i tried it, but it didnt really work for me. so im going to be that girl at the party. the awkward non-drinker. or ill be the drunk girl that goes crazy when she has a panic attack from drinking. either way im not going to be making any new friends tomorrow.