mmm, how insightful
"you can close your eyes to things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to things you don't want to feel."
this weekend was fantastic - I had such an awesome time, and I really can't wait to get back. it was great to finally meet all these people and see all these places that i'd been hearing so much about, and i had a blast doing it. meeting lindsay, rebecca, kyllan, dan, tony, dave, and lael was really great since andy has talked so much about them. i'd met lindsay before, but i didn't get to really spend any time around her. she's a really sweet girl - i had so much fun going to the game with her and rebecca.... i know i would have died had i just been with the boys. : p it was just great to feel immediately accepted by people. i didn't feel like i had to prove myself to them before they would treat me like i'd known them for months... they were all immediately so welcoming and fun, it was really great. Saturday was definitely an awesome day for me. the whole day was just so much fun... from breakfast to bedtime, it was one thing after another and i loved every second of it. going downtown with andy, shane, tony and rebecca was really awesome. i could completely be myself. i wasn't concerned with trying to "fit in" to the athens style or to prove myself to anyone, or to make anyone happy but myself for once. it's been so long since i've been able to be selfish like that, and it really actually felt good. i danced when i wanted to dance, i sang when i wanted to sing, i sat when i wanted to, i stood when i wanted to, i joked and laughed and went off with rebecca when i wanted to. and i had a smile on my face the whole time. yea, many people balk at the freshman fifteen, but i'm beginning to think that that proud little beer belly is the sign of many fun, memorable nights. ...that doesn't mean i'm looking forward to a beer belly, but i'm definitely looking forward to more nights like that.
in a lot of ways, i'm so disadvantaged because i feel like so much of that is already a part of my life - so much of what makes college college... but i'm not allowed to have any of that for like 10 more months. it's not mine yet, it's theirs, and i'm only allowed to visit from time to time. i hate to completely think past everything that's ahead of me in the next 8-10 months, but it's so hard to appreciate what's here when i feel like i'm so much better suited being "there". yea, the grass is always greener on the other side. in fact, i'm not even sure that the grass on my side is even still green - it's probably some light shade of brown, or quite possibly even completely dead and gone. i just feel like i'm so ready for that next stage in my life. i've been ready for a while, but with every passing week, i feel more and more ready to just get out of highschool. i don't mind marietta - i've heard too many people say they just want to get the hell out of marietta, and it's always really bothered me - i'm just ready to get out on my own and feel shit. get away from this security bubble called highschool and be completely knocked on my ass with how overwhelmed i'm going to feel at uga. it's nothing i can't handle, no... but i'm ready to feel like the world is truly my canvas. it's time to paint my picture. no doubt there will be its flaws and mistakes that i wish i could go back and fix or redo, but it wouldn't be uniquely mine if they didn't exist. i just want so much more than i'm getting right now... i'm so unmotivated. i feel like this year, which is the most climactic to many, is already behind me and all i can see is off in the distance, shining and enticing me!!!!!! ugh... i hate being the victim of my own growth.
this has truly been an especially rough past couple of months. i don't know what it is - maybe there's something in the stars that's perpetuating a bad chi or something. it's seemed like nothing really wants to go my way, and i'm continually being let down time and time again. it's starting to wear me out. i'm happy to say that things are beginning to look up again. i always try to stay optimistic because it's easier to love than to hate, it's easier to smile than to frown, and it feels so much better to laugh than to cry. but sometimes those things can't be avoided. i know you can't have one without the other, so it's necessary to give due recognition to each thing you feel, but the key is not to concentrate on that which tears you down, but rather that which makes you stronger and more appreciative, and in turn happy. i've been through a whole slue of emotions, and i've really not got the slightest clue about which ones to pay attention to and which ones to feel and then ignore. there's really not very many people that can advise me... or maybe it's just the ones that do advise me don't tell me what i want to hear. no matter what my head wants to tell me, i CAN'T HELP THE WAY I FEEL. it hurts me so bad. and in a lot of ways this weekend was a big reminder of that. i'm scared to forget the way it feels to be held... sometimes, if i think about it hard enough, i can remember, and i can feel it on my skin. but it fades so fast...and that's painful to me. i'd give more than i should to have that back.
do you still remember?
this weekend was fantastic - I had such an awesome time, and I really can't wait to get back. it was great to finally meet all these people and see all these places that i'd been hearing so much about, and i had a blast doing it. meeting lindsay, rebecca, kyllan, dan, tony, dave, and lael was really great since andy has talked so much about them. i'd met lindsay before, but i didn't get to really spend any time around her. she's a really sweet girl - i had so much fun going to the game with her and rebecca.... i know i would have died had i just been with the boys. : p it was just great to feel immediately accepted by people. i didn't feel like i had to prove myself to them before they would treat me like i'd known them for months... they were all immediately so welcoming and fun, it was really great. Saturday was definitely an awesome day for me. the whole day was just so much fun... from breakfast to bedtime, it was one thing after another and i loved every second of it. going downtown with andy, shane, tony and rebecca was really awesome. i could completely be myself. i wasn't concerned with trying to "fit in" to the athens style or to prove myself to anyone, or to make anyone happy but myself for once. it's been so long since i've been able to be selfish like that, and it really actually felt good. i danced when i wanted to dance, i sang when i wanted to sing, i sat when i wanted to, i stood when i wanted to, i joked and laughed and went off with rebecca when i wanted to. and i had a smile on my face the whole time. yea, many people balk at the freshman fifteen, but i'm beginning to think that that proud little beer belly is the sign of many fun, memorable nights. ...that doesn't mean i'm looking forward to a beer belly, but i'm definitely looking forward to more nights like that.
in a lot of ways, i'm so disadvantaged because i feel like so much of that is already a part of my life - so much of what makes college college... but i'm not allowed to have any of that for like 10 more months. it's not mine yet, it's theirs, and i'm only allowed to visit from time to time. i hate to completely think past everything that's ahead of me in the next 8-10 months, but it's so hard to appreciate what's here when i feel like i'm so much better suited being "there". yea, the grass is always greener on the other side. in fact, i'm not even sure that the grass on my side is even still green - it's probably some light shade of brown, or quite possibly even completely dead and gone. i just feel like i'm so ready for that next stage in my life. i've been ready for a while, but with every passing week, i feel more and more ready to just get out of highschool. i don't mind marietta - i've heard too many people say they just want to get the hell out of marietta, and it's always really bothered me - i'm just ready to get out on my own and feel shit. get away from this security bubble called highschool and be completely knocked on my ass with how overwhelmed i'm going to feel at uga. it's nothing i can't handle, no... but i'm ready to feel like the world is truly my canvas. it's time to paint my picture. no doubt there will be its flaws and mistakes that i wish i could go back and fix or redo, but it wouldn't be uniquely mine if they didn't exist. i just want so much more than i'm getting right now... i'm so unmotivated. i feel like this year, which is the most climactic to many, is already behind me and all i can see is off in the distance, shining and enticing me!!!!!! ugh... i hate being the victim of my own growth.
this has truly been an especially rough past couple of months. i don't know what it is - maybe there's something in the stars that's perpetuating a bad chi or something. it's seemed like nothing really wants to go my way, and i'm continually being let down time and time again. it's starting to wear me out. i'm happy to say that things are beginning to look up again. i always try to stay optimistic because it's easier to love than to hate, it's easier to smile than to frown, and it feels so much better to laugh than to cry. but sometimes those things can't be avoided. i know you can't have one without the other, so it's necessary to give due recognition to each thing you feel, but the key is not to concentrate on that which tears you down, but rather that which makes you stronger and more appreciative, and in turn happy. i've been through a whole slue of emotions, and i've really not got the slightest clue about which ones to pay attention to and which ones to feel and then ignore. there's really not very many people that can advise me... or maybe it's just the ones that do advise me don't tell me what i want to hear. no matter what my head wants to tell me, i CAN'T HELP THE WAY I FEEL. it hurts me so bad. and in a lot of ways this weekend was a big reminder of that. i'm scared to forget the way it feels to be held... sometimes, if i think about it hard enough, i can remember, and i can feel it on my skin. but it fades so fast...and that's painful to me. i'd give more than i should to have that back.
do you still remember?