The Life in Review
Yes, here I am, some fourteen years later.
And you know what?
My life as it was documented in these "pages", this period of my life where so many things happened. So many life transitions, and so many losses. I see I still had something most of the time that was a little jarring to read in so many random entries, even when writing about harder stuff, and yes, yet one more challenge, more setback, the daily struggles and worries.
I still had hope, and at my core being, I felt like I had a future. My younger self still had dreams, and when those didn't work out- there were new dreams to take their place.
I haven't felt that way in a long time. I can't say exactly when my dreams died, but I do know a big shift happened when the disabilities and disease of my spine made themselves known, and have continued to do so in a number of ways over the past five years.
I think that living with intractable physical pain plus emotional pain must have been too much.
I am different now.
These days I exist in a space between wanting it to be over with, and still dreaming, but the dreaming parts don't have much opportunity to take shape.
I am also in the deepest grief since losing Ty twenty years ago.
Booger (who went by Tonio at the time of these writings) and I became each other's soul cats. He and Ty are both my superstars, in different ways, in their own galaxy, and in their own time/chapters they occupied on this plane, and in my life.
I can't write about our time together tonight and even begin to do him justice. Our love was special, strong, deep, and fiercely protective of one another. I was the only human he fully trusted and loved, and it made our bond that much deeper. He came into my life November 2006, and left August 2024, at age 19.
He has been my reason for so long. Leaving him was unthinkable.
I am writing mostly by candlelight, with Booger's urn on my left, Ty's on my right.
It's been 2025 for about five minutes.
For the first time in nearly 20 years, I am all alone
And you know what?
My life as it was documented in these "pages", this period of my life where so many things happened. So many life transitions, and so many losses. I see I still had something most of the time that was a little jarring to read in so many random entries, even when writing about harder stuff, and yes, yet one more challenge, more setback, the daily struggles and worries.
I still had hope, and at my core being, I felt like I had a future. My younger self still had dreams, and when those didn't work out- there were new dreams to take their place.
I haven't felt that way in a long time. I can't say exactly when my dreams died, but I do know a big shift happened when the disabilities and disease of my spine made themselves known, and have continued to do so in a number of ways over the past five years.
I think that living with intractable physical pain plus emotional pain must have been too much.
I am different now.
These days I exist in a space between wanting it to be over with, and still dreaming, but the dreaming parts don't have much opportunity to take shape.
I am also in the deepest grief since losing Ty twenty years ago.
Booger (who went by Tonio at the time of these writings) and I became each other's soul cats. He and Ty are both my superstars, in different ways, in their own galaxy, and in their own time/chapters they occupied on this plane, and in my life.
I can't write about our time together tonight and even begin to do him justice. Our love was special, strong, deep, and fiercely protective of one another. I was the only human he fully trusted and loved, and it made our bond that much deeper. He came into my life November 2006, and left August 2024, at age 19.
He has been my reason for so long. Leaving him was unthinkable.
I am writing mostly by candlelight, with Booger's urn on my left, Ty's on my right.
It's been 2025 for about five minutes.
For the first time in nearly 20 years, I am all alone