The Foreigners' Guide to Staying In Love; Victoria/Hangeng (Part 2/2)
Part 1/2
"Why do I feel like we're running off together?" she asked as they waited patiently in their seats for the plane to just take off already.
"Well," Han Geng scoped out the area, while remaining buckled in his seat. "We are!"
Victoria laughed a bit. "True--"
"We're eloping, obviously."
Victoria shot him a look, although amusement was clearly etched into her face as well. "Gege, don't get ahead of yourself."
"Just wanted to see what your reaction would be."
"Then you got your reaction," she said slyly.
"It was cute."
Most of the flight was spent with her head on his shoulder, or his head on her shoulder, a continuous trade of using each other as pillows when they felt like taking naps or just felt like sitting that way. It was more comfortable than just any old airplane pillow. While she was asleep, he wrapped his hand around hers, and when she woke up, she had no objections towards it.
Stepping off the plane made her feel exposed. The setting was everything she remembered and everything she'd almost forgotten once she'd tried to immerse herself in Korea and all it had to offer.
They waited by the baggage claim for their two extra suitcases to drift past them on the conveyor belt, and Han Geng put his arm around her, his hand resting comfortably at her waist.
Then she felt safer again, closed off to the rest of the community bustling around them. Closed off to everyone except for Han Geng. Victoria leaned her head on his shoulder. For a brief moment before he needed to reach down and grab her sky blue suitcase, she closed her eyes and felt him lean his cheek against her scalp, warm.
Well, at least for as long as they'd known each other. A few months by now. It was enough for them, though.
"Ready?" he asked, shooing her hand away when she tried to help him pull her suitcase off the baggage claim. When it was on the ground again, she grabbed the handle and nodded to him.
The two of them started towards customs, their suitcases rolling behind them as she suddenly reached over to grab his empty hand. It seemed as if he'd left the hand closer to hers empty just so she could hold it. He glanced at her sideways, and she caught him staring. They burst out into giggles as they lined up to get their passports stamped.
Soon after, when they walked through those automated doors to the outside world, Victoria felt him squeeze her hand a little tighter, a look of emancipation all over his features from his eyes to his smile.
"Welcome home, gege," she said, and she swung their hands between them as they searched for an empty cab.
"Maybe we should rent a car while we're here?" he asked.
"We'd probably be fine with bikes. What do you think, do we really need to spend money on a car after you spent all that money getting an apartment?" And she gave him her best look of disapproval.
All he did was chuckle and shrug. "If you prefer a bike, then I'll call my mama. She probably has my old one from high school, and maybe one of my cousins can lend me one."
"What do you mean? You should use your bike."
"You can use mine. It's nice, you'll like it," he flashed another grin. "I want you to use it."
"Stop spoiling me," she wrinkled her nose. On the inside, her stomach was doing backflips.
"Can you blame me if I'm excited to be back in our country, Qian? It's our motherland!" He gestured out in front of them with his arm. In reality, there wasn't anything that thrilling in their view yet, just a lot of cars, a lot of families, a lot of excited tourists, and a few helpings of business men and women.
She grinned, teeth glinting in the sunlight that appeared as they slowed down in front of an empty taxi. Victoria opened the door as the driver jumped out to take care of their bags. Han Geng stood close to her as she grabbed the end of her long skirt, making sure that she didn't dirty the ends, and he kissed her cheek before she got into the car. With all the blood rushing to her cheeks, Victoria tried to cover her face, and she almost lost her step. He caught her by the elbow and made sure she had a safe landing on the interior of the cab.
"Excited?" She finally worked up the ability to ask, but the answer had been written on his face weeks ago when they'd decided on this trip in the first place. His silence and continuous flashing of bright teeth were enough of an answer. "Thought so."
---
The first week, the first day, they shipped themselves out to visit Han Geng's mother. She welcomed them both with open arms and few kisses on the cheek or forehead here and there. They visited her at her restaurant, because as Han Geng said, "She's pretty much always there."
His mother fed Victoria as much as she wanted and needed. Both women were too thrilled for Victoria to remember that the parent visit is usually supposed to be a dreaded sort of event, is it not? She heard this over and over again from her older friends, word of scary mothers and intimidating fathers. Han Geng's mother wasn't like that, though. Victoria noted the need and desire to call her own mother after lunch.
"She's amazing," said Victoria, once they'd piled onto a bus, heading home.
"She loves you."
"She really is, she's amazing."
He grinned at Victoria, nudging her with his elbow. "I believe you. You're too excited for me not to believe you."
"It's not like I've lied to you, anyway."
"Oh?"
"Of course I haven't! There hasn't been anything I've had to lie to you about, so there's no point in it. It'd pretty much end up like, 'hi, honey, how was your day?' 'it was horrible, a meteor fell through the roof and I had to get it repaired before you got home!' See how pointless that is?"
He was too busy covering his mouth, laughing, to respond with anything else--but he did his best to agree for her as she leaned against his shoulder. "If there actually is a meteor someday that comes shooting through our roof, you will tell me it's for real, right?"
The second week was almost the same as the first, except Victoria had forgotten some Korean words by now. When she gained use of her cell phone again in the first week, though, she did start to call Amber, Tiffany, or anyone back in Seoul regularly, and she emailed other friends or coworkers on Han Geng's laptop from time to time. One email had contained Kyuhyun threatening to end her vacation time early, but Han Geng handled it easily. Victoria found it odd that they were such good friends, and she never knew. And it was the same thing with him and Zhou Mi.
Amber called more often during the third week, saying that she wanted to make sure that Victoria hadn't been abducted by aliens or any ridiculous excuse like that. She didn't even need an excuse, but she liked making ones up. "Eh, to keep you entertained," she'd said.
"But I'm fine here," Victoria answered, "I don't need to be entertained." And even though she'd said it jokingly, Amber had murmured a quick goodbye and what sounded like she needed to pick up Krystal after school. The line went dead long before Victoria had a chance to utter the first syllable of "annyeong."
Victoria didn't hear much from the world back in Korea for the next few days. She conceded that it was fine. She was enjoying her free time, the fact that she woke up in the morning with sore feet because of all that walking around, not because of rehearsal lasting until the wee hours of the morning. She'd been enjoying waking up next to Han Geng, not an empty bed, or Krystal drooling on the other pillow or nearly kicking her out of bed.
"You know," he said one morning, "we've got something really nice here."
"You know," she replied, "you're absolutely right."
He inched closer, the sheets massaging his bare back as he wrapped his arms around her waist. She closed her eyes and dozed off to the feeling of his skin against her skin, and the things she heard with her ear against his chest.
There was something about this man that simply completed her. Or it could even have been everything about him, from the top of his head to his toes. She molded to his body like it was part of her nature to be next to him, and he held her without a single hesitation anymore.
Later, they could have thought of this as the Calm Before the Storm. A mild storm, but a storm nonetheless.
---
"You're been away for over a month, Victoria!" Amber was shouting. Victoria hated it when Amber did that. So much. She couldn't blame the girl, though. "First of all, Kuixian is actually starting to like me, it's scary."
Victoria bit her lip and adjusted her legs, crossing them the opposite way. "I'm sorry. We're just--"
"Just what? Spending quality time together? Living it up in your home country? Well, I'm happy for you, but it just so happens to be that you left your life behind in Seoul. Are you coming back to get it, or am I supposed to just mail it to you?"
Ouch. That one stung. Victoria faced the other direction when Han Geng walked through the door, apartment keys swinging around in his hand and a bag of groceries swinging from the other.
"I'm sorry," Amber grunted when she realized how quiet Victoria was being. "I'm upset, I'm not going to hide it. Everyone else is, too. Heechul is, too."
"Why?" Victoria shot back.
Amber was quick. "Because you and Hankyung--Han Geng--whatever the fuck his name is have been taking everything way too fast! You guys are like a fucking snowball down a hill, except there's no bottom, all there are are, like, opportunities to crash. Get what I'm saying?"
Victoria bit back the feeling brewing in her throat. She clenched her jaw and tried to think about something out, but found herself nodding in agreement. "I do."
"Look, I'm not trying to force you on a plane. I'm not trying to force you to do anything because physically, I can't at the moment. But that's beside the point, I'm just trying to get you to look at this logically for once."
"I know. Amber, I--I'll call you back when I've decided. I have some thinking to do," she said, and she hung up too quickly for any objections. She curled up underneath the blankets she'd been lying on top of, and closed her eyes.
---
Victoria wasn't about to admit herself to defeat. It was, however, completely his fault--Han Geng's. That was the only thought she'd toss in for now, because of how convinced she was of its truth. He made her feel this way, and now the twisting sensation in her stomach when she walked into the kitchen to see him cooking up a storm wasn't because of any lack of skill on his part at all. No, of course not.
It was all because of the way he looked as he worked over the stove and counter, the fondness on his face that only grew when he noticed her standing there and brought his eyes to her face. Her stomach went from a twist to a flip, like her dance routines would, only she wasn't as flexible there as she was just about everywhere else. And it was all because she knew inside of her that Amber was right, what she said had been the truth that was all too abstract to the two of them to realize until now. Until someone else threw the words right at them. Victoria caught them at the stomach level, the blow nearly knocking her over.
There still were barely any bits of air in her lungs in the aftermath, two days after the phone call.
"Hi," she said.
"Hey," he looked like he wanted to kiss her. She knew she wouldn't have been able to push him away, either; she was glad he didn't. "Dinner's almost ready. Hungry?"
She nodded, a lie. But she kept telling herself that once they sat together at their (his) small dinner table, she would be. Her legs sort of wobbled on her way to the table, but he didn't appear to have noticed, with his back turned so that he could focus on cooking and finishing up.
As she did sit down, she felt worse. The words were bubbling up in her throat and she could hardly keep them in by the time he set the plates in front of her. "I think…I think I need to go back. To Seoul."
She didn't expect the smile to make an appearance, nor did she expect him to nod and agree, nor did she expect anything that he didn't do. He did what she expected; his face was close to blank in expression, but his eyebrows started to furrow. It took a few seconds until he looked about ready to cry, or about ready to throw something against the wall. That emotion, she hadn't expected much of.
"Can we talk about this?" he asked.
She gulped, trying to reach for her glass of water, but her hand was trembling. "We are talking about it, though."
"Your voice is shaking," he pointed out, his only doing the same thing. "And your hand."
"I know," she closed her eyes.
"Gosh, why are we making such a big deal out of this?" he tried to laugh.
"Because you want to stay, gege."
He said nothing, did nothing, for a while. But then he nodded, giving in. "You're right. I want to stay. And you don't. And I don't want to be without you," he said, almost whispering. "God, listen to me, I sound so stupid."
"You don't sound stupid--"
"I do, though," he sighed, wringing his hands together. "I'm sorry, Qian, I'm sorry I'm being this way. I love you, you know." He used the Chinese name card. She could barely move.
Her eyes fell to the surface of the table. "I know. And I--I love you back. But I've been thinking about this for a long time. I know we thought about staying, and I really gave it some thought, but I'm not ready. I'm not ready for this." Whatever this was.
"If this is what you want, I can…I can deal with it."
She chewed on her lip. "Are you sure?"
Finally, he brought his eyes to hers again. "I couldn't bring myself to hold you back. So I'm sure." She couldn't find any blip of falseness in his words.
---
She compromised with herself that she would think about it for a few more days, letting her thoughts even themselves out and maybe then her head would be clearer. Then she could think logically like Amber had asked. It ended the way she'd predicted, though, and her thoughts came as close to being organized as they would ever be. She told him before they went to bed one evening, and he held her so tightly all through the night. The distance to come seemed lonely to him, maybe.
That next morning went without saying. Victoria packed quietly, spilling a tear or so onto the clothes she piled back into her suitcase. She dried her eyes prior to when he woke up, though, and everything still went without a word, only smiles that seemed too eager to break into frowns. Or he'd touch her over and over again, on the shoulder, on the hand, on the cheek, sometimes the back of her head. He'd tug on her ponytail, as if he were trying to be witty about this. Like he was pretending that tomorrow morning he would wake up with Victoria making his arm numb.
She wondered how this would go, in her head. But not necessarily how she would take off. It was all a matter of what they would call it. Was it something you'd label with the she walked out on him kind of tag? It was a mutual thing. At the same time, she had learned somewhere along the way that a brokenhearted man would do some strange things. Did she break his heart?
Victoria peered over at him as he padded into the kitchen, leaving a tiny gust of wind when he walked past her. She couldn't see his face.
Maybe she wasn't ready to leave yet. She chewed on her left pinky nail, thinking about other options. Half of her kept objecting that she needed to get back to Korea, she'd promised her dance instructor, her manager, her friends. Amber had nearly been beside herself when Victoria told her she was coming "home."
Home. It didn't feel right calling Seoul her home, she wasn't born there. It wasn't part of her home country. Still, the apartment she'd been living in for a handful of years was under her name, and that was her home.
"Do you want to talk?" she asked, coming up behind him. Although, what she said sounded so stupid to her that she wished she could rewind back to before the words even came out. She couldn't help herself.
He turned around, no sign of sadness, not a tinge of grief on his face. Yet everything felt so upsetting anyway. Victoria couldn't feel more conflicted. She stood on her toes and kissed him, for a short time, but that short time also felt so long. In a good way. "I'm fine," he said. "We already talked about this. I told you that I understand you, didn't I?"
She nodded. "You did."
"And it hasn't changed in the past eight or nine hours, Qian," he put his hand to her cheek. "I know I can't stop you."
Just for a moment, Victoria thought that maybe he could, if he tried hard enough. There was something in his eyes, though, that told her how he couldn't bring himself to stop her.
"I can't, for your own sake. Okay?" Han Geng gave his best smile, pushing his limits, but giving Victoria just a little more reassurance. He kissed her forehead and she put her arms around him. There something shouting inside her, shouting that she needed to stop touching him. Leaving would only be more difficult. "Are you all packed?" he asked.
She had a feeling that Han Geng already knew the answer. "I am."
"Do you want me to make you breakfast?"
Victoria shook her head. "I'm alright. I'll grab something on the way--I don't have much time already. As much as I'd love for you--"
He held up a hand, and patted her on the shoulder. "It's okay. All I ask is that you eat something. Think of it as my last request," he said, laughing.
She got this sensation of being ripped down the middle. "Please, gege, don't say things like that."
They fell silent. He merely breathed slowly, in and out, eyes kept to the floor. Victoria couldn't stop looking at him, though, not necessarily in the eye, but anywhere. She watched his hands move, flicking crumbs off the counter, and twisting together in discomfort. Her own hands itched to hold them steady for him.
"Are you sure you don't want me to go with you? To the airport, I mean," he caught himself, so what he said wouldn't be different from what he meant. Why get her hopes up?
Biting her lip, she tucked some strands of loose hair behind her ear. "No. No, I'll go alone. You should stay." What she didn't say was: you should stay because I might kidnap you if you come along. Or I might want to stay, after all. I can't do that.
She took a risk, though, and kissed him again. Carefully. She didn't let him hold on for too long, she didn't let him wrap his arms around her, she only let their lips touch, but his hand crept upwards to touch her cheek.
"You're crying," he said, their faces millimeters apart. A drop was on his thumb.
"I hate goodbyes, that's why," she whimpered, wiping at her face with her sleeves. "I lo--I. I have to go now."
Minutes after the door swung shut, he wondered if he should have gone after her. Even if she'd said no.
---
The airport was daunting without him next to her. She wasn't the type to get scared so easily, but the sudden lack of Han Geng at her side made her question herself. And she didn't know why, but she was standing in front of a payphone, her bags resting around her feet, her hair falling into her eyes, and her hand halfway between the phone and her body. She had her cell phone in her pocket, too, yet there she was.
There wasn't much to say if she decided to call.
She brought her hand back down, twisting her fingers together, a strong twist winding its way though her chest. A lump in her throat went down once she willed it so. People were staring at her.
A ringing brought her back into the present, gave way to the other noises around her, but it was the only noise she cared to hear. She answered her phone, already knowing who it was.
"Before you hang up," Han Geng said. "I am going to tell you something."
She took a deep breath, filling her lungs with a bit of confidence she needed.
"That I'm not going to try to convince you to stay. Focus on that, okay?" he paused, and she thought maybe she heard a break in his voice. "I loved being with you, and I want to wish you good luck wherever you go from here. Just because we aren't together anymore…it doesn't mean we can't be friends, right? That's all I have in my head for you right now. You're a great woman, Victoria. I also know that we kind of went a little fast, didn't we?"
Her throat went dry before he was even finished. All she needed were a few words. "Yeah, gege, I think we did. But, thank you," she wanted to tell him: you'll always be my friend. She hoped it was implied. "I'll try to call you when I land."
---
Amber was there to pick her up. Amber was there to hold her arms open and catch Victoria when she needed someone to fall against, when she needed someone to carry her suitcase for her, when she needed someone to hold her hand.
"God, Amber," Victoria leaned back in the cab. It felt weird speaking Korean again, she was out of the habit. And even though it wasn't Amber's first language either, it was the language they most often used around each other. "I am such an idiot, aren't I?"
"You mean the fact that you two almost fucking eloped, or that you left him behind--and I know how you feel about him. Don't try to hide this from me, I'm perceptive when it comes to you."
"I mean everything," she said, letting her eyes be unfocused now as he stared off into space. She tried not to think about Han Geng, but it was hard. Technically, he was their topic of conversation. "I'm just an idiot."
"You're not."
"Why? Why would you say that?" Victoria glanced at her. "You were the one who made me realize I was rushing into things. You where the one who yelled at me."
"But I never said you were an idiot, Vic," Amber argued. "Hey, I--I understand," when she really didn't. "We can't always get what we want, though."
Victoria kept her eyes trained on the younger girl. "I don't know what I want anymore."
"From what I've learned, most people don't know, either. Maybe he didn't even know."
She found herself putting Amber's hand in her own, feeling the urge to nod and agree. Victoria knew what Amber said was true, but chose not to answer. She leaned into the other girl, letting the younger arm encircle her shoulders, Amber's fingers firmly placed on her shoulder were comforting.
"I just decided that I'm buying you ice cream."
"Amber--"
"No excuses. You need it," Amber took out a stick of gum and rips it--still in the wrapper--in half. "Heartbreaks suck, even I know that."
Victoria accepted the half that Amber stuffed into her free hand, slowly peeling the rest of the silver wrapping away. It was spearmint.
"You need to take care of your heart, Vic--wow, listen to what I'm saying."
Victoria didn't laugh much, though. Only once, but she smiled. "I know. I will."
"Why do I feel like we're running off together?" she asked as they waited patiently in their seats for the plane to just take off already.
"Well," Han Geng scoped out the area, while remaining buckled in his seat. "We are!"
Victoria laughed a bit. "True--"
"We're eloping, obviously."
Victoria shot him a look, although amusement was clearly etched into her face as well. "Gege, don't get ahead of yourself."
"Just wanted to see what your reaction would be."
"Then you got your reaction," she said slyly.
"It was cute."
Most of the flight was spent with her head on his shoulder, or his head on her shoulder, a continuous trade of using each other as pillows when they felt like taking naps or just felt like sitting that way. It was more comfortable than just any old airplane pillow. While she was asleep, he wrapped his hand around hers, and when she woke up, she had no objections towards it.
Stepping off the plane made her feel exposed. The setting was everything she remembered and everything she'd almost forgotten once she'd tried to immerse herself in Korea and all it had to offer.
They waited by the baggage claim for their two extra suitcases to drift past them on the conveyor belt, and Han Geng put his arm around her, his hand resting comfortably at her waist.
Then she felt safer again, closed off to the rest of the community bustling around them. Closed off to everyone except for Han Geng. Victoria leaned her head on his shoulder. For a brief moment before he needed to reach down and grab her sky blue suitcase, she closed her eyes and felt him lean his cheek against her scalp, warm.
Well, at least for as long as they'd known each other. A few months by now. It was enough for them, though.
"Ready?" he asked, shooing her hand away when she tried to help him pull her suitcase off the baggage claim. When it was on the ground again, she grabbed the handle and nodded to him.
The two of them started towards customs, their suitcases rolling behind them as she suddenly reached over to grab his empty hand. It seemed as if he'd left the hand closer to hers empty just so she could hold it. He glanced at her sideways, and she caught him staring. They burst out into giggles as they lined up to get their passports stamped.
Soon after, when they walked through those automated doors to the outside world, Victoria felt him squeeze her hand a little tighter, a look of emancipation all over his features from his eyes to his smile.
"Welcome home, gege," she said, and she swung their hands between them as they searched for an empty cab.
"Maybe we should rent a car while we're here?" he asked.
"We'd probably be fine with bikes. What do you think, do we really need to spend money on a car after you spent all that money getting an apartment?" And she gave him her best look of disapproval.
All he did was chuckle and shrug. "If you prefer a bike, then I'll call my mama. She probably has my old one from high school, and maybe one of my cousins can lend me one."
"What do you mean? You should use your bike."
"You can use mine. It's nice, you'll like it," he flashed another grin. "I want you to use it."
"Stop spoiling me," she wrinkled her nose. On the inside, her stomach was doing backflips.
"Can you blame me if I'm excited to be back in our country, Qian? It's our motherland!" He gestured out in front of them with his arm. In reality, there wasn't anything that thrilling in their view yet, just a lot of cars, a lot of families, a lot of excited tourists, and a few helpings of business men and women.
She grinned, teeth glinting in the sunlight that appeared as they slowed down in front of an empty taxi. Victoria opened the door as the driver jumped out to take care of their bags. Han Geng stood close to her as she grabbed the end of her long skirt, making sure that she didn't dirty the ends, and he kissed her cheek before she got into the car. With all the blood rushing to her cheeks, Victoria tried to cover her face, and she almost lost her step. He caught her by the elbow and made sure she had a safe landing on the interior of the cab.
"Excited?" She finally worked up the ability to ask, but the answer had been written on his face weeks ago when they'd decided on this trip in the first place. His silence and continuous flashing of bright teeth were enough of an answer. "Thought so."
---
The first week, the first day, they shipped themselves out to visit Han Geng's mother. She welcomed them both with open arms and few kisses on the cheek or forehead here and there. They visited her at her restaurant, because as Han Geng said, "She's pretty much always there."
His mother fed Victoria as much as she wanted and needed. Both women were too thrilled for Victoria to remember that the parent visit is usually supposed to be a dreaded sort of event, is it not? She heard this over and over again from her older friends, word of scary mothers and intimidating fathers. Han Geng's mother wasn't like that, though. Victoria noted the need and desire to call her own mother after lunch.
"She's amazing," said Victoria, once they'd piled onto a bus, heading home.
"She loves you."
"She really is, she's amazing."
He grinned at Victoria, nudging her with his elbow. "I believe you. You're too excited for me not to believe you."
"It's not like I've lied to you, anyway."
"Oh?"
"Of course I haven't! There hasn't been anything I've had to lie to you about, so there's no point in it. It'd pretty much end up like, 'hi, honey, how was your day?' 'it was horrible, a meteor fell through the roof and I had to get it repaired before you got home!' See how pointless that is?"
He was too busy covering his mouth, laughing, to respond with anything else--but he did his best to agree for her as she leaned against his shoulder. "If there actually is a meteor someday that comes shooting through our roof, you will tell me it's for real, right?"
The second week was almost the same as the first, except Victoria had forgotten some Korean words by now. When she gained use of her cell phone again in the first week, though, she did start to call Amber, Tiffany, or anyone back in Seoul regularly, and she emailed other friends or coworkers on Han Geng's laptop from time to time. One email had contained Kyuhyun threatening to end her vacation time early, but Han Geng handled it easily. Victoria found it odd that they were such good friends, and she never knew. And it was the same thing with him and Zhou Mi.
Amber called more often during the third week, saying that she wanted to make sure that Victoria hadn't been abducted by aliens or any ridiculous excuse like that. She didn't even need an excuse, but she liked making ones up. "Eh, to keep you entertained," she'd said.
"But I'm fine here," Victoria answered, "I don't need to be entertained." And even though she'd said it jokingly, Amber had murmured a quick goodbye and what sounded like she needed to pick up Krystal after school. The line went dead long before Victoria had a chance to utter the first syllable of "annyeong."
Victoria didn't hear much from the world back in Korea for the next few days. She conceded that it was fine. She was enjoying her free time, the fact that she woke up in the morning with sore feet because of all that walking around, not because of rehearsal lasting until the wee hours of the morning. She'd been enjoying waking up next to Han Geng, not an empty bed, or Krystal drooling on the other pillow or nearly kicking her out of bed.
"You know," he said one morning, "we've got something really nice here."
"You know," she replied, "you're absolutely right."
He inched closer, the sheets massaging his bare back as he wrapped his arms around her waist. She closed her eyes and dozed off to the feeling of his skin against her skin, and the things she heard with her ear against his chest.
There was something about this man that simply completed her. Or it could even have been everything about him, from the top of his head to his toes. She molded to his body like it was part of her nature to be next to him, and he held her without a single hesitation anymore.
Later, they could have thought of this as the Calm Before the Storm. A mild storm, but a storm nonetheless.
---
"You're been away for over a month, Victoria!" Amber was shouting. Victoria hated it when Amber did that. So much. She couldn't blame the girl, though. "First of all, Kuixian is actually starting to like me, it's scary."
Victoria bit her lip and adjusted her legs, crossing them the opposite way. "I'm sorry. We're just--"
"Just what? Spending quality time together? Living it up in your home country? Well, I'm happy for you, but it just so happens to be that you left your life behind in Seoul. Are you coming back to get it, or am I supposed to just mail it to you?"
Ouch. That one stung. Victoria faced the other direction when Han Geng walked through the door, apartment keys swinging around in his hand and a bag of groceries swinging from the other.
"I'm sorry," Amber grunted when she realized how quiet Victoria was being. "I'm upset, I'm not going to hide it. Everyone else is, too. Heechul is, too."
"Why?" Victoria shot back.
Amber was quick. "Because you and Hankyung--Han Geng--whatever the fuck his name is have been taking everything way too fast! You guys are like a fucking snowball down a hill, except there's no bottom, all there are are, like, opportunities to crash. Get what I'm saying?"
Victoria bit back the feeling brewing in her throat. She clenched her jaw and tried to think about something out, but found herself nodding in agreement. "I do."
"Look, I'm not trying to force you on a plane. I'm not trying to force you to do anything because physically, I can't at the moment. But that's beside the point, I'm just trying to get you to look at this logically for once."
"I know. Amber, I--I'll call you back when I've decided. I have some thinking to do," she said, and she hung up too quickly for any objections. She curled up underneath the blankets she'd been lying on top of, and closed her eyes.
---
Victoria wasn't about to admit herself to defeat. It was, however, completely his fault--Han Geng's. That was the only thought she'd toss in for now, because of how convinced she was of its truth. He made her feel this way, and now the twisting sensation in her stomach when she walked into the kitchen to see him cooking up a storm wasn't because of any lack of skill on his part at all. No, of course not.
It was all because of the way he looked as he worked over the stove and counter, the fondness on his face that only grew when he noticed her standing there and brought his eyes to her face. Her stomach went from a twist to a flip, like her dance routines would, only she wasn't as flexible there as she was just about everywhere else. And it was all because she knew inside of her that Amber was right, what she said had been the truth that was all too abstract to the two of them to realize until now. Until someone else threw the words right at them. Victoria caught them at the stomach level, the blow nearly knocking her over.
There still were barely any bits of air in her lungs in the aftermath, two days after the phone call.
"Hi," she said.
"Hey," he looked like he wanted to kiss her. She knew she wouldn't have been able to push him away, either; she was glad he didn't. "Dinner's almost ready. Hungry?"
She nodded, a lie. But she kept telling herself that once they sat together at their (his) small dinner table, she would be. Her legs sort of wobbled on her way to the table, but he didn't appear to have noticed, with his back turned so that he could focus on cooking and finishing up.
As she did sit down, she felt worse. The words were bubbling up in her throat and she could hardly keep them in by the time he set the plates in front of her. "I think…I think I need to go back. To Seoul."
She didn't expect the smile to make an appearance, nor did she expect him to nod and agree, nor did she expect anything that he didn't do. He did what she expected; his face was close to blank in expression, but his eyebrows started to furrow. It took a few seconds until he looked about ready to cry, or about ready to throw something against the wall. That emotion, she hadn't expected much of.
"Can we talk about this?" he asked.
She gulped, trying to reach for her glass of water, but her hand was trembling. "We are talking about it, though."
"Your voice is shaking," he pointed out, his only doing the same thing. "And your hand."
"I know," she closed her eyes.
"Gosh, why are we making such a big deal out of this?" he tried to laugh.
"Because you want to stay, gege."
He said nothing, did nothing, for a while. But then he nodded, giving in. "You're right. I want to stay. And you don't. And I don't want to be without you," he said, almost whispering. "God, listen to me, I sound so stupid."
"You don't sound stupid--"
"I do, though," he sighed, wringing his hands together. "I'm sorry, Qian, I'm sorry I'm being this way. I love you, you know." He used the Chinese name card. She could barely move.
Her eyes fell to the surface of the table. "I know. And I--I love you back. But I've been thinking about this for a long time. I know we thought about staying, and I really gave it some thought, but I'm not ready. I'm not ready for this." Whatever this was.
"If this is what you want, I can…I can deal with it."
She chewed on her lip. "Are you sure?"
Finally, he brought his eyes to hers again. "I couldn't bring myself to hold you back. So I'm sure." She couldn't find any blip of falseness in his words.
---
She compromised with herself that she would think about it for a few more days, letting her thoughts even themselves out and maybe then her head would be clearer. Then she could think logically like Amber had asked. It ended the way she'd predicted, though, and her thoughts came as close to being organized as they would ever be. She told him before they went to bed one evening, and he held her so tightly all through the night. The distance to come seemed lonely to him, maybe.
That next morning went without saying. Victoria packed quietly, spilling a tear or so onto the clothes she piled back into her suitcase. She dried her eyes prior to when he woke up, though, and everything still went without a word, only smiles that seemed too eager to break into frowns. Or he'd touch her over and over again, on the shoulder, on the hand, on the cheek, sometimes the back of her head. He'd tug on her ponytail, as if he were trying to be witty about this. Like he was pretending that tomorrow morning he would wake up with Victoria making his arm numb.
She wondered how this would go, in her head. But not necessarily how she would take off. It was all a matter of what they would call it. Was it something you'd label with the she walked out on him kind of tag? It was a mutual thing. At the same time, she had learned somewhere along the way that a brokenhearted man would do some strange things. Did she break his heart?
Victoria peered over at him as he padded into the kitchen, leaving a tiny gust of wind when he walked past her. She couldn't see his face.
Maybe she wasn't ready to leave yet. She chewed on her left pinky nail, thinking about other options. Half of her kept objecting that she needed to get back to Korea, she'd promised her dance instructor, her manager, her friends. Amber had nearly been beside herself when Victoria told her she was coming "home."
Home. It didn't feel right calling Seoul her home, she wasn't born there. It wasn't part of her home country. Still, the apartment she'd been living in for a handful of years was under her name, and that was her home.
"Do you want to talk?" she asked, coming up behind him. Although, what she said sounded so stupid to her that she wished she could rewind back to before the words even came out. She couldn't help herself.
He turned around, no sign of sadness, not a tinge of grief on his face. Yet everything felt so upsetting anyway. Victoria couldn't feel more conflicted. She stood on her toes and kissed him, for a short time, but that short time also felt so long. In a good way. "I'm fine," he said. "We already talked about this. I told you that I understand you, didn't I?"
She nodded. "You did."
"And it hasn't changed in the past eight or nine hours, Qian," he put his hand to her cheek. "I know I can't stop you."
Just for a moment, Victoria thought that maybe he could, if he tried hard enough. There was something in his eyes, though, that told her how he couldn't bring himself to stop her.
"I can't, for your own sake. Okay?" Han Geng gave his best smile, pushing his limits, but giving Victoria just a little more reassurance. He kissed her forehead and she put her arms around him. There something shouting inside her, shouting that she needed to stop touching him. Leaving would only be more difficult. "Are you all packed?" he asked.
She had a feeling that Han Geng already knew the answer. "I am."
"Do you want me to make you breakfast?"
Victoria shook her head. "I'm alright. I'll grab something on the way--I don't have much time already. As much as I'd love for you--"
He held up a hand, and patted her on the shoulder. "It's okay. All I ask is that you eat something. Think of it as my last request," he said, laughing.
She got this sensation of being ripped down the middle. "Please, gege, don't say things like that."
They fell silent. He merely breathed slowly, in and out, eyes kept to the floor. Victoria couldn't stop looking at him, though, not necessarily in the eye, but anywhere. She watched his hands move, flicking crumbs off the counter, and twisting together in discomfort. Her own hands itched to hold them steady for him.
"Are you sure you don't want me to go with you? To the airport, I mean," he caught himself, so what he said wouldn't be different from what he meant. Why get her hopes up?
Biting her lip, she tucked some strands of loose hair behind her ear. "No. No, I'll go alone. You should stay." What she didn't say was: you should stay because I might kidnap you if you come along. Or I might want to stay, after all. I can't do that.
She took a risk, though, and kissed him again. Carefully. She didn't let him hold on for too long, she didn't let him wrap his arms around her, she only let their lips touch, but his hand crept upwards to touch her cheek.
"You're crying," he said, their faces millimeters apart. A drop was on his thumb.
"I hate goodbyes, that's why," she whimpered, wiping at her face with her sleeves. "I lo--I. I have to go now."
Minutes after the door swung shut, he wondered if he should have gone after her. Even if she'd said no.
---
The airport was daunting without him next to her. She wasn't the type to get scared so easily, but the sudden lack of Han Geng at her side made her question herself. And she didn't know why, but she was standing in front of a payphone, her bags resting around her feet, her hair falling into her eyes, and her hand halfway between the phone and her body. She had her cell phone in her pocket, too, yet there she was.
There wasn't much to say if she decided to call.
She brought her hand back down, twisting her fingers together, a strong twist winding its way though her chest. A lump in her throat went down once she willed it so. People were staring at her.
A ringing brought her back into the present, gave way to the other noises around her, but it was the only noise she cared to hear. She answered her phone, already knowing who it was.
"Before you hang up," Han Geng said. "I am going to tell you something."
She took a deep breath, filling her lungs with a bit of confidence she needed.
"That I'm not going to try to convince you to stay. Focus on that, okay?" he paused, and she thought maybe she heard a break in his voice. "I loved being with you, and I want to wish you good luck wherever you go from here. Just because we aren't together anymore…it doesn't mean we can't be friends, right? That's all I have in my head for you right now. You're a great woman, Victoria. I also know that we kind of went a little fast, didn't we?"
Her throat went dry before he was even finished. All she needed were a few words. "Yeah, gege, I think we did. But, thank you," she wanted to tell him: you'll always be my friend. She hoped it was implied. "I'll try to call you when I land."
---
Amber was there to pick her up. Amber was there to hold her arms open and catch Victoria when she needed someone to fall against, when she needed someone to carry her suitcase for her, when she needed someone to hold her hand.
"God, Amber," Victoria leaned back in the cab. It felt weird speaking Korean again, she was out of the habit. And even though it wasn't Amber's first language either, it was the language they most often used around each other. "I am such an idiot, aren't I?"
"You mean the fact that you two almost fucking eloped, or that you left him behind--and I know how you feel about him. Don't try to hide this from me, I'm perceptive when it comes to you."
"I mean everything," she said, letting her eyes be unfocused now as he stared off into space. She tried not to think about Han Geng, but it was hard. Technically, he was their topic of conversation. "I'm just an idiot."
"You're not."
"Why? Why would you say that?" Victoria glanced at her. "You were the one who made me realize I was rushing into things. You where the one who yelled at me."
"But I never said you were an idiot, Vic," Amber argued. "Hey, I--I understand," when she really didn't. "We can't always get what we want, though."
Victoria kept her eyes trained on the younger girl. "I don't know what I want anymore."
"From what I've learned, most people don't know, either. Maybe he didn't even know."
She found herself putting Amber's hand in her own, feeling the urge to nod and agree. Victoria knew what Amber said was true, but chose not to answer. She leaned into the other girl, letting the younger arm encircle her shoulders, Amber's fingers firmly placed on her shoulder were comforting.
"I just decided that I'm buying you ice cream."
"Amber--"
"No excuses. You need it," Amber took out a stick of gum and rips it--still in the wrapper--in half. "Heartbreaks suck, even I know that."
Victoria accepted the half that Amber stuffed into her free hand, slowly peeling the rest of the silver wrapping away. It was spearmint.
"You need to take care of your heart, Vic--wow, listen to what I'm saying."
Victoria didn't laugh much, though. Only once, but she smiled. "I know. I will."