a conversation, a movie, a nightmare and all its conclusions
You know, and I realize that I have already stated it, but I am seriously a hopeless romantic. I try to be pretend to be realistic, but I'm not. Maybe it's too many fairy tales, but my views on love, some where along the line, became warped. Or perhaps it's that they were never corrupted.
Last night I came this realization. That no matter what I do, I will always be a romantic. Always secretly hoping that someone will come along and sweep my off my feet.
But the being swept off my feet has a darker side to it. I could be seduced, I think. It would have to be the right type of person, in the right time and place (which would probably in actual fact both be totally unexpected) but I think it's possible. And that part of me almost wants it to happen. There exists an extremely sexual side of me, which I do not fear, yet hesitate to embrace. But I know I am longing for contact, in an expressly physical sense.
Or so I thought for a while. Yet the idea of my seducer falling madly in love with me, confirming that other level of attraction, the emotional aspect, is alluring. It's almost like I want the physical first followed by the unexpected development of emotional attraction. Emotional attraction which I have desired from the beginning but my predator never intended to happen. Because then I win.
There again part of me wants to be the predator, though unseen, unexpected. But I will never really embrace my capacity to be treacherous, though it certainly exists.
I had a nightmare last night which confirms all this, or rather confirms the fact that even when I believe an attraction is purely physical, there is always an emotional element to it. I know much of my energy is physically charged, stimulated by my vicinity to those I am physically attracted to, by simply being physically let down could not have provoked such a reaction. I was irate, half-mad with jealousy, absolutely seething and utterly destroyed. Yet when I awoke I was not immediately filled with relief to discover that the events that occurred in the dream were just that and not real.
But these thoughts are fleeting, aroused by a conversation, a movie and then a nightmare. I am content to be conflicted for now.
Last night I came this realization. That no matter what I do, I will always be a romantic. Always secretly hoping that someone will come along and sweep my off my feet.
But the being swept off my feet has a darker side to it. I could be seduced, I think. It would have to be the right type of person, in the right time and place (which would probably in actual fact both be totally unexpected) but I think it's possible. And that part of me almost wants it to happen. There exists an extremely sexual side of me, which I do not fear, yet hesitate to embrace. But I know I am longing for contact, in an expressly physical sense.
Or so I thought for a while. Yet the idea of my seducer falling madly in love with me, confirming that other level of attraction, the emotional aspect, is alluring. It's almost like I want the physical first followed by the unexpected development of emotional attraction. Emotional attraction which I have desired from the beginning but my predator never intended to happen. Because then I win.
There again part of me wants to be the predator, though unseen, unexpected. But I will never really embrace my capacity to be treacherous, though it certainly exists.
I had a nightmare last night which confirms all this, or rather confirms the fact that even when I believe an attraction is purely physical, there is always an emotional element to it. I know much of my energy is physically charged, stimulated by my vicinity to those I am physically attracted to, by simply being physically let down could not have provoked such a reaction. I was irate, half-mad with jealousy, absolutely seething and utterly destroyed. Yet when I awoke I was not immediately filled with relief to discover that the events that occurred in the dream were just that and not real.
But these thoughts are fleeting, aroused by a conversation, a movie and then a nightmare. I am content to be conflicted for now.