Where I've been
The last time I updated, I was barely coherent. I needed support, and several of you offered it. At the time, I was barely able to do my job, I didn't eat solid food for nearly two weeks, I started smoking again. Since then, things have changed in so many ways. I haven't checked my friends list in a month, probably two or three. I've been too busy living to keep up with it. That should be a positive thing, but I'm not certain it is.
A month before my last post, I found out that my former best friend, who had been living in Boston when I moved here, had left Boston and moved to San Francisco in the early part of the year. I could talk about all the reasons why this is disappointing and generally bad. Except that so much has changed since then, the weekend before my last birthday, that it seems like it happened in someone else's life.
On May 11, the day after classes, the person I'd been falling for all school year informed me after a date that the chemistry just isn't there. Oh yes, and he knew well ahead of time that I had feelings and that he didn't return them - he was waiting for me to speak up first so that he didn't have to. Right. All the while going out with me, leaving me voicemails, spending hours drawing me a map from my house to his, always being so happy to see me and never able to end a conversation without a long drawn-out goodbye. The kicker is that in every other way, he is the best and finest person I have ever met. He is exactly the kind of person I want to be with and the kind of person I want to be more like. Unfortunately, he seems to think that when you meet someone birds are supposed to sing while a symphony plays and lightning strikes you - I'm 12 years younger, and I'm the one that has a handle on the fact that life doesn't work that way.
I don't think I'm giving up on this completely, not when I don't know why it's not there. I'm not the same person I was that night, or a month ago, and I'm not same person I'll be at the end of summer. But now that the acutest pain is over, I'm also refusing to think about it. Not until summer is over. I haven't seen him since that night, because he agreed to give me as much space and time as I needed to heal. Even if that takes until after we graduate. He's my friend, and he'll be there waiting.
After that, I threw myself into SCA and walking and hanging out with my friends in order to distract myself. I started going to poly Tuesdays at Diesel and dance practices on Wednesday and the pig-sitter's on Thursday and out on Friday and Saturday and Sunday and shopping on Monday. I usually get home about 10-11 at night and I get to work at 7:30 in the morning. Occasionally I even sleep. A Mary Kay pedicure and foot spa, a Sabbath dinner, a movie, a hot Russian guy, a bunch of other things people talked me into that I don't normally do, the burn in your legs when you really push yourself, and somewhere in there I moved into a new apartment.
Just under a month later, a friend of mine who I've had mutual attraction with for the better part of five years decides now, when I try to actually follow through, that they suddenly aren't interested in me any more. Right. Yes, I know they're uncertain and confused right now. News flash: so is every other person in the world. On top of that, they haven't spoken to me since that night. I don't even know what to say to that. I've been too livid to make it worth trying to break the silence.
When I told darkmare the story, he told me that he wants me to move to Portland when I graduate. I should probably just do it.
After that, I threw myself into SCA and walking and hanging out with my friends in order to distract myself. Wait, I said that already.
This weekend I attended my first SCA camping event, which was productive in countless ways. I had motivation to get new outfits done, I got closer to some people I'd really never spent time with before, I learned a new recipe and prepared it successfully. I've proved that I can still camp without being a wuss. And yes, I drank too much and had a spontaneous fling with someone, and it really put a lot of things in perspective and got my head more where it needed to be.
I also learned how to throw knives.
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking
A month before my last post, I found out that my former best friend, who had been living in Boston when I moved here, had left Boston and moved to San Francisco in the early part of the year. I could talk about all the reasons why this is disappointing and generally bad. Except that so much has changed since then, the weekend before my last birthday, that it seems like it happened in someone else's life.
On May 11, the day after classes, the person I'd been falling for all school year informed me after a date that the chemistry just isn't there. Oh yes, and he knew well ahead of time that I had feelings and that he didn't return them - he was waiting for me to speak up first so that he didn't have to. Right. All the while going out with me, leaving me voicemails, spending hours drawing me a map from my house to his, always being so happy to see me and never able to end a conversation without a long drawn-out goodbye. The kicker is that in every other way, he is the best and finest person I have ever met. He is exactly the kind of person I want to be with and the kind of person I want to be more like. Unfortunately, he seems to think that when you meet someone birds are supposed to sing while a symphony plays and lightning strikes you - I'm 12 years younger, and I'm the one that has a handle on the fact that life doesn't work that way.
I don't think I'm giving up on this completely, not when I don't know why it's not there. I'm not the same person I was that night, or a month ago, and I'm not same person I'll be at the end of summer. But now that the acutest pain is over, I'm also refusing to think about it. Not until summer is over. I haven't seen him since that night, because he agreed to give me as much space and time as I needed to heal. Even if that takes until after we graduate. He's my friend, and he'll be there waiting.
After that, I threw myself into SCA and walking and hanging out with my friends in order to distract myself. I started going to poly Tuesdays at Diesel and dance practices on Wednesday and the pig-sitter's on Thursday and out on Friday and Saturday and Sunday and shopping on Monday. I usually get home about 10-11 at night and I get to work at 7:30 in the morning. Occasionally I even sleep. A Mary Kay pedicure and foot spa, a Sabbath dinner, a movie, a hot Russian guy, a bunch of other things people talked me into that I don't normally do, the burn in your legs when you really push yourself, and somewhere in there I moved into a new apartment.
Just under a month later, a friend of mine who I've had mutual attraction with for the better part of five years decides now, when I try to actually follow through, that they suddenly aren't interested in me any more. Right. Yes, I know they're uncertain and confused right now. News flash: so is every other person in the world. On top of that, they haven't spoken to me since that night. I don't even know what to say to that. I've been too livid to make it worth trying to break the silence.
When I told darkmare the story, he told me that he wants me to move to Portland when I graduate. I should probably just do it.
After that, I threw myself into SCA and walking and hanging out with my friends in order to distract myself. Wait, I said that already.
This weekend I attended my first SCA camping event, which was productive in countless ways. I had motivation to get new outfits done, I got closer to some people I'd really never spent time with before, I learned a new recipe and prepared it successfully. I've proved that I can still camp without being a wuss. And yes, I drank too much and had a spontaneous fling with someone, and it really put a lot of things in perspective and got my head more where it needed to be.
I also learned how to throw knives.
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking