i hate my life sometimes
until i realize i could just screw everything and forget anything...
every single side is pulling me over
my dad all of a sudden feels lonely and like he should be the supportive father he never was, and so now he wants me to find a house he can buy for us to live in, i feel like i'm just playing along with it, i'm too old to be looking for a house to live in with my father, i will be buying my own house soon... i did need a father, i really did, the first time i was "stolen" away from my mother, the first time i was phisically hurt, the first day of school, the first time the most important person in the world to me left me...when my mother died, the first time i got the courage to call my mother after 5 years, the first time i peed in my pants in kindergarden (yeah gross but everyone's done it sometime), my first heartbreak, the first time i tried to kill myself, the first time i drove a car all by myself, the first time i rode a bike by myself, even my first period... yes i needed a father... i dont' anymore, it's true that i got used to it and maybe that why i don't need my dad anymore, but it's more because i've grown, and i've done it all by myself, i taught myself and i learned from all the hard hits i got from life...
i learned how to drive a bike without falling into a bush, i learned what a kiss was like, i learned what boys were like, i tasted a cup of coffee, i had my first beer, i didn't need him to tell me men all men want only one thing, i didn't have him all the times i really needed a father, each time i felt lonely and i couldn't have him hug me or tell me everything will be alright, i did it all by myself, i had to go through all of the things i've went through and now that he doesn't have to raise me, now that he feels lonely because his "friend" is gone he wants that family he never had the courage to fight for, more like the family he gave away...
I almost want to say "stop trying to fill in that gap you have, to make up, i don't need you anymore, i almost want you to leave me alone"
i don't know, maybe it's because right now i feel too hurt by so many other people that i just want to be left alone, if he knew what i'm like now he'd be dissappointed, actually, he'd "divorce me", tell me he doesn't want me as his daughter anymore, even though he has no right to do so, because in reality, he's never claimed me as his daughter...
"stop judging me, you've never raised me to be the daughter you want me to be, you have no right to tell me i'm not good enough..."
and more like i need him again, but i dont' want to, he's not in that position to "be there for me", and i'm not good enough for him to be there for me either...