reflecting / venting
I began this journey in life...as a manic depressive. I take my meds. It's the only prescribed medicine I do remember to take, thankfully. I've never been a cutter or anything. Just....a lost soul, in a way.
A little background is I myself have been much better since being with my husband. He's my rock. Has been since him and my brother pledged the fraternity together. We've been married a total of a week and a half now. Two full weeks this Saturday.
I don't know what it is, but I've always been a studious person. School is my element essentially. I don't know what it is about it, but it's comforting and I accept it. It was my stability in my crazy, whirlwind of a world and life. Writing. That's my other vice. It's a good vice, however, because it brings me sanity and lets me express the feelings I cannot put into verbal phrases.
I have just begun my first semester of being a 1L. I'm in Nashville and I enjoy it. I work this tiny ass, hole in the wall bar, which I love as well. It's homey and annoying at the same time. Ironic huh?
I don't know many people in this town. This is where my rant is. I know a few people in my classes. I know my husband, his boss, and my best friend, Nathan and his fiance Jimmy. It's weird to call Jimmy that now. I just can't seem to get enough time to search the city on my own and discover it in my own way. This way is taking Tom's film camera out in the city on a clear/semi cloudy afternoon and snapping photos and walking around. Because I have yet to even sit down and complete this task, I'm spiraling down a path and I'm afraid of becoming that girl I once was. I tried explaining this to Tom, but I could not bring myself to admit that I thought it was another episode. He's so protective of me. I'm his Penguin, of course. The last time I had an episode was a little over 2 years ago. Right after Tom got out of the hospital from his wreck. I don't know what switch flicked over in my brain, but I essentially went ape shit and shut off from the world and snuck into my shell of a being, focused on school and took a "leave of absence" from working the bar...thankfully, the owner was a pretty close friend and knew I needed to pull myself out of the slump I was in.
I guess where I'm saved is my writing, music, and school. Music is my everything. And that came almost crashing down this morning. I walked into my study session with a group of students and I had Tom's iPod playing relatively loud and of course, I had Analog Heart playing. Analog Heart or James Taylor are my saviors. One of the guys in the group snickered at the loudness of the iPod as I approached the group and I just quirked an eyebrow at him as if to say STFU. He asked what was playing and I said Analog Heart and he automatically went into a spiel about how I was just a fan of the CD because David won American Idol. I was my upbeat person on the outside and retorted back with "I've had the CD since he put it out in '06 and I personally bought it from the Blank Slate where I visited some friends." I unzipped my bag, removed the original CD, and said "now do you think I am just a fan because he won AI?" Said guy shut up after that and we studied and everything and threw ideas back and forth like our usual Tuesday meetings.
Now, a normal person obviously would think this shouldn't bother me, but it does. The little things bother manic depressive individuals. I will get over it, because I've learned techniques to put my mind in the right setting, but I guess I needed to write it down and reflect and make it "leave" my mind and body.
*sighs* I know one day I will be normal again. My normal childhood, happy self I used to be. I know who to blame for the gene and for the problem, but I love that said person.
He's my daddy afterall.
A little background is I myself have been much better since being with my husband. He's my rock. Has been since him and my brother pledged the fraternity together. We've been married a total of a week and a half now. Two full weeks this Saturday.
I don't know what it is, but I've always been a studious person. School is my element essentially. I don't know what it is about it, but it's comforting and I accept it. It was my stability in my crazy, whirlwind of a world and life. Writing. That's my other vice. It's a good vice, however, because it brings me sanity and lets me express the feelings I cannot put into verbal phrases.
I have just begun my first semester of being a 1L. I'm in Nashville and I enjoy it. I work this tiny ass, hole in the wall bar, which I love as well. It's homey and annoying at the same time. Ironic huh?
I don't know many people in this town. This is where my rant is. I know a few people in my classes. I know my husband, his boss, and my best friend, Nathan and his fiance Jimmy. It's weird to call Jimmy that now. I just can't seem to get enough time to search the city on my own and discover it in my own way. This way is taking Tom's film camera out in the city on a clear/semi cloudy afternoon and snapping photos and walking around. Because I have yet to even sit down and complete this task, I'm spiraling down a path and I'm afraid of becoming that girl I once was. I tried explaining this to Tom, but I could not bring myself to admit that I thought it was another episode. He's so protective of me. I'm his Penguin, of course. The last time I had an episode was a little over 2 years ago. Right after Tom got out of the hospital from his wreck. I don't know what switch flicked over in my brain, but I essentially went ape shit and shut off from the world and snuck into my shell of a being, focused on school and took a "leave of absence" from working the bar...thankfully, the owner was a pretty close friend and knew I needed to pull myself out of the slump I was in.
I guess where I'm saved is my writing, music, and school. Music is my everything. And that came almost crashing down this morning. I walked into my study session with a group of students and I had Tom's iPod playing relatively loud and of course, I had Analog Heart playing. Analog Heart or James Taylor are my saviors. One of the guys in the group snickered at the loudness of the iPod as I approached the group and I just quirked an eyebrow at him as if to say STFU. He asked what was playing and I said Analog Heart and he automatically went into a spiel about how I was just a fan of the CD because David won American Idol. I was my upbeat person on the outside and retorted back with "I've had the CD since he put it out in '06 and I personally bought it from the Blank Slate where I visited some friends." I unzipped my bag, removed the original CD, and said "now do you think I am just a fan because he won AI?" Said guy shut up after that and we studied and everything and threw ideas back and forth like our usual Tuesday meetings.
Now, a normal person obviously would think this shouldn't bother me, but it does. The little things bother manic depressive individuals. I will get over it, because I've learned techniques to put my mind in the right setting, but I guess I needed to write it down and reflect and make it "leave" my mind and body.
*sighs* I know one day I will be normal again. My normal childhood, happy self I used to be. I know who to blame for the gene and for the problem, but I love that said person.
He's my daddy afterall.