Fic: Controlled 10/45

Aug 24, 2006 11:29

Title: Controlled (10/45)
Author: Viktoria Angelique
Email: viktoria_angelique@hotmail.com
Rating: NC-17 for series, PG-13 for this part
Pairing: Elijah/Viggo
Warnings: BDSM
Disclaimer: If this were true the world might be a better place.
Feedback: I love it!
Summary: It’s time for a talk. Viggo and Elijah come to an agreement.

Previous Chapters




“So I think my sister might have a boyfriend or something…”

“Elijah.” Viggo’s smile was genuine, but a little chiding, and Elijah felt very out of his element. Sitting in an armchair swirling a glass of white wine, ankle crossed over the opposite knee, Viggo looked comfortable. Elijah, however, was wearing a hole in Viggo’s rug with his pacing.

“Hmm?” He stopped momentarily to look Viggo in the eye, and then wished he hadn’t.

There goes all the nerve I pep-talked into myself this morning.

“You didn’t ask to come over to talk to me about your sister, did you?” Viggo asked, a gently reprimanding smile on his face.

“Um… well, no. Not really.”

Viggo smiled again and gestured to the sofa opposite him. “Have a seat, Elijah. And tell me what you came here to say, okay? Take your time.”

Elijah stood still a moment, nodded finally, and lowered himself slowly onto the loveseat. Now was not the time to freak out. What was it that Hannah had said? Honesty. Be honest. But damn, was it hard.

“I… well I came here to tell you something about myself.” He paused, elbows on slightly spread knees, hands clasped under his chin, looked at Viggo. Viggo nodded, motioned for Elijah to continue, and he did, eyes lowered slightly to keep his focus. “It was several years ago that I discovered this…thing, and well, since then I’ve kind of been looking, sort of, for someone that I could continue to explore it with, and…” He was aware that he was starting to babble, but stopped short when a firm hand squeezed his knee, the skin between thumb and forefinger just brushing the dry skin of his elbow, cutting him off.

“Elijah. You’re going to have to start at the beginning, here. Don’t be nervous.” He looked up, into the warm depths of Viggo’s understanding gaze, and nodded. He could do this. Viggo was here, Viggo understood. He could do this.

“Sorry, um… the beginning, right. Well I told you about my friend Angela, back in LA. She was my closest friend when I was high school-aged, and I spent most of my time with her for a couple of years. We were sixteen when she told me about this… thing.”

“Thing, Elijah?” Viggo repeated slowly. Elijah looked up, looked at Viggo, clasped his hands together so tightly that his knuckles were white, and nearly bolted. Viggo’s gaze was gentle, but firm. He couldn’t lie, even if he wanted to.

“I… God, this is hard to say out loud. Um, well, I guess Hannah said to be honest with you, but she doesn’t know everything…” Elijah stammered.

“Your sister’s right, Elijah. That’s all I want. Take your time, okay?” Viggo suggested gently.

“Right. Um, yeah. Well there’s this thing, it’s called BDSM.” He rushed the acronym, mumbling the syllables in what was practically a whisper, but he had gotten it out, at least. The rest would be easier. “Angela, she told me about it, and well it’s a lifestyle where…”

“I know what BDSM means, Elijah.” Viggo’s eyes were still firm, not suggestive or appraising, but just steady. Elijah decided he liked that. He liked steady. He liked firm. And he would like it a hell of a lot more if he could get through this and just say what he had come here to say.

“Right, okay. Well she told me about it, and it, you know, made sense to me. I mean I thought I would like something like that. Not… not that I’m a glutton for punishment or anything, but there’s a psychological appeal… I started to read a ton of stuff on the Internet, and I didn’t like everything I read but it caught my interest. I started thinking about myself, how I am with people. I’m kind of… what’s the right word… like, too generous. Or that’s not fair, I mean I guess you can’t be too generous…”

“Yes you can, Elijah.” Again Viggo interrupted, and again that firm fucking stare. “You have to look out for yourself. You stop doing that in favour of other people’s needs and you’re being too generous,” he explained in a patient tone.

“Right, okay… well I guess, I guess that’s what it is then,” Elijah agreed. “Like I want to be nice to people, and I want to please them, almost too much. I guess sometimes it does get to be too much, and I just want to scream at people to pay attention to me, but I can’t do that…”

“You feel guilty?” Viggo interrupted.

“Yeah.” Elijah nodded, lowered his eyes, and lost his train of thought for a moment. Fucking intuition. “Anyway… I guess in a relationship I try very hard. I want everything to be perfect for the girl, you know? And I do whatever it is she wants, and I kind of lose myself in the process. Something about BDSM… well it appealed to me, because what if I could find someone who really wants me to be happy, and will actually force me to allow that of myself? I don’t think I need to be punished, really, I just feel that if I could find that ‘someone,’ they might be able to show me things that I know deep down are true; let me express things that I feel uncomfortable expressing otherwise.”

“You want someone to force you to be open, then?” Viggo clarified.

“Yeah… I guess it seems to me that if I’m able to get through the things that are difficult for me to admit, to get past the embarrassment, then I could be in a really good place… but I can’t do that in a regular social situation. I need a little more,” Elijah admitted.

“And you didn’t find that at home?”

“No… I tried, sort of, with Angela. She suggested we try a scene… you know what that means?” Viggo nodded, and Elijah continued. “She set it all up, and she really did do a good job of it all; it wasn’t uncomfortable or awkward or anything at the time.”

“But later…?” Viggo prodded.

“Later I realised that she was interested in more. And not just more, but her idea of a relationship didn’t match mine at all. I think for Angela, it is about the pain and the kink and the sceneing, but then when that’s over she falls out of the dominant role and back into the “regular” relationship.”

“But for you it’s not a role?” Viggo asked.

“Not at all. It’s just…me,” Elijah explained. “She’s a great girl, but she couldn’t understand that, and she wasn’t… well she didn’t understand what I needed. I guess I’m still hoping that someone will, you know? I know it’s probably insane to hope, and maybe my expectations are high…”

“That’s your first mistake,” Viggo reprimanded gently, and Elijah blinked, looking up at him.

“Hmm?”

“Everything you’ve said to me tonight, you’ve tried so hard to be honest but you keep back-pedalling. You feel guilty. Why don’t you just say what you want to say, outright? That’s what you want, isn’t it? A person who fulfils that sort of a relationship for you?”

“Well, yeah…” Elijah agreed.

“Then take off the apologies. I don’t think any less of you for wanting that. In fact, maybe I think more of you. You’re pretty young to know what you want, Elijah.”

“But…”

“But you do,” Viggo finished.

“Yeah.”

“It’s a compliment, not an insult.”

“Oh…well, thanks.” Elijah stared at his hands, concentrated on folding and unfolding his fingers to avoid the intensity of Viggo’s focused stare.

“And I’m assuming you came here because you think I might be able to help you out in some way?” Viggo prodded gently.

“I…” Elijah blushed, kept his focus on his hands. “Jesus, it sounds so unromantic when you put it like that.” Viggo laughed, and the sound was rich and full, giving Elijah the strength to continue. “It’s not like I showed up suddenly wanting you, Viggo. I just… I’m a fairly observant person, and some things that have happened in the past month make me wonder. I don’t know… I can’t say out and out that I want you, because I don’t know. I mean, I want to want you, if that makes sense.” Viggo nodded. “I want to want you, but I’m confused because I never thought of myself as gay or bi or anything… it’s not that I’m suddenly attracted to men, but I think I am attracted to you,” Elijah admitted.

“Well that’s perfectly acceptable, Elijah. No one expects you to be sure of your sexuality at your age.”

“I… you keep bringing up my age.”

“It’s a pretty palpable difference between us, don’t you think?” Viggo asked.

“Not necessarily. Well, yes, I guess, but does that have to be a bad thing?” Elijah looked up at Viggo, his eyes hopeful.

“You tell me,” Viggo countered.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Elijah replied. “I mean, I know what it’s usually all about when an eighteen year old develops a crush, or whatever, on a forty one year old. I’ve read the books, seen the movies. But that’s not how I feel about you. I don’t want an experiment, Vig. I like you.”

“I like you too, Elijah. I like you a lot. But are you sure this is what you want? I mean; do you know what you’re asking for? You’re jumping off the deep end in a pretty big way.”

“I understand that. I’m not saying I’m suddenly going to strip and get on my knees for you, I’m just saying… I feel a connection between us. And I want you to know how I feel about you,” Elijah admitted.

“Fair enough.”

“I don’t know what to expect, exactly. I mean I am young, obviously. I can’t guarantee that if something happens between us I won’t feel weird from time to time about the fact that you have a son only seven years younger than me, or that I won’t question what you’re doing with a kid like me. But I can promise you that if something does happen, I’ll be honest with you. I’ll talk to you,” Elijah promised.

“That’s quite mature of you, Elijah. But would you like to know what I think of all this?” Viggo asked.

“Please.” Elijah let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and sat back a bit on the couch, letting Viggo have a turn to talk.

“I can’t say I’m completely surprised. I mean I am a little, obviously, but I notice more than you think. I notice more than most people. I can tell that it took a lot of guts to come here tonight, but you also can’t build a relationship on guts alone. I don’t know if I am what you’re looking for, exactly. I’m familiar with BDSM, but I’ve never had a relationship on those terms before. I think if I were to start a relationship like the one you’re describing, it wouldn’t be about having an alternative lifestyle or anything in that vein. I mean, a relationship is about the people in it, not about the label attached, and believe me, I've probably been put under every so called 'alternative' label possible in my lifetime. You seem to want to hand over control a bit, though, and I won’t lie to you. I could probably give you that. I don’t feel comfortable dealing out punishment to someone, or hurting them for the sake of hurting, but I know that’s not what you want.

“I think I understand what you are asking for, and I won’t deny that the idea excites me. But,” he added, seeing a flicker of an excited smile on Elijah’s face, “I also don’t want to rush into a relationship with you. There’s a lot to consider here, Elijah. There are our jobs, for one thing. Anything that goes on between us cannot affect our professional life, and that might be easier said than done. I’ve seen this happen before; dynamic in the bedroom does affect dynamic in the workplace no matter what other people might tell you, and it’s particularly unwise to let that happen in a profession such as ours. I also want you to consider your options.”

Viggo’s tone was gentle, his speech slow and pronounced, and he paused here to give Elijah a significant look. “I know you’re interested, Elijah, and I can see why you would be, but you’re young. I don’t do casual relationships, and I don’t tolerate fooling around when it comes to someone I’ve committed myself to. I don’t want you to start something with me unless you can promise me that you’ll talk to me before you even consider cheating-and that’s a lot to ask of someone so young. You’re beautiful and have a lot of depth, Elijah, and I can assure you that there are men closer to your age who could give you what you’re looking for. I know how intense attraction can be, but think about this before you make a decision you’ll regret. I admire your honesty, but you obviously don’t yet know exactly what you want. I want you to think about that, and you can take that as an order.” Viggo’s eyes flickered with a bit of mirth, allowing Elijah a small smile, and Elijah grinned back in return.

“How long, then? I mean, how long do you want me to think about it?” Elijah asked, knowing that he would wait forever if Viggo asked at this point but not sure he was quite that patient.

“Until you’re sure, Elijah. We can start slow, you know, but once you tell me you do want to start a relationship, that’s it. You need to know what you want to do at that point. You’re free to decide to end it at anytime of course, as am I, but I don’t want you to ask me for a relationship unless you’re sure it’s what you want. Do you understand?” Elijah nodded, slowly, and sighed lightly.

“How did I know I wasn’t going to come away with exactly what I wanted tonight?” he mumbled, and Viggo chuckled, leaning in and rubbing Elijah’s knee in light circles with his thumb.

“Elijah, if I just let you do whatever you wanted, I wouldn’t be horribly dominant, now would I?” Elijah smiled and shook his head. Viggo did have a point. “If I ever have a chance to give you what I think you’re asking for, I won’t make any decisions that I don’t think are what you need, and that starts now. I think you’re attracted to me, for whatever reason, partially because you trust me to make the hard choices. Am I right?”

Elijah smiled sheepishly and nodded. Viggo was one smart man. If only he weren’t so damned patient…. “I guess this is the best I can ask for,” Elijah admitted. “But, I mean, if I take my time… you’ll be here?”

“I can’t make any promises, Elijah. I haven’t committed myself to you yet. But I’ll tell you that it is highly unlikely that I’ll meet anyone else while in New Zealand, and that this opportunity does, at the very least, intrigue me. I have some thinking to do as well.” Elijah smiled and placed his hand on top of Viggo’s, squeezing gently. “Take your time, Elijah. I won’t be happy if you rush this.”

“Fair enough. I’ll do my best,” Elijah promised.

“That’s all I could ever ask of you,” Viggo asserted with a smile, and Elijah returned it with as much warmth. All in all, things had gone pretty well.
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