Fic: The Fear You Won't Fall. A "Puzzle" timestamp. J2. PG-13. 2/2
Continued from here
They’re on the couch, watching some dramatic movie on HBO. Not much plot really but there’s nothing else on and they’ll be going to bed soon anyway.
Jensen fidgets by Jared’s side, his fingers tap-dancing nervously upon his knee. Jared has asked him a couple of times if he’d rather watch something else, but Jensen shakes his head, assuring him it’s fine, interesting, fine, fine, fine, fi- Fuck. Stop it!
He leans closer and puts his head on Jared’s shoulder. Takes Jared’s hand and braids their fingers together. Smiles back when Jared smiles at him.
He’s been cataloguing what makes Jared happy, and what doesn’t, then doing his best to act accordingly. Waking Jared up when he falls asleep on the couch instead of leaving him there for the night. (It made Jared’s back hurt and his mood grumpy.) Taking the dogs out for a walk in the morning when Jared is tired. Giving him blowjobs if he looks worried or stressed. (Actually, sex in general makes Jared happy, and since Jensen is more than happy himself to provide, they do a lot of that.) And then just things like this. Holding Jared’s hand, kissing him. Snuggling. Nodding when he’s talking, like it’s actually interesting. Making sure not to talk about stuff that’s not. (This one is hard to follow because what may bore Jared is still interesting to Jensen and knowing the difference is pretty impossible. So mostly he just keeps quiet.)
It’s exhausting. His home has always been the one place where he could just be himself. The one place where he didn’t need to cater to everyone else’s need and could just let loose and relax. Now… Now he’s on edge, all the time. Calculating his every move, mulling over every word before he dares to let it out, then, at the end of the day, analyzing everything while trying to figure out how he can make the next one better. But if it will keep Jared happy, keep Jared here, it’s worth it. It’s worth everything.
It’s been over three weeks and Jared is still here. So maybe… maybe.
“I don’t believe you,” the girl on the screen is yelling at her boyfriend, loud enough to bring Jensen out of his musings. “You’re lying. Look me in the eye and tell me you really love me. See, you can’t. It’s all a lie, isn’t it? Our whole relationship, it’s just a big fat lie.”
Jensen goes absolutely still. Oh.
“You okay?”
Jensen nods. He feels a little sick in his stomach.
“Hey,” Jared says softly. “Look at me. ”
Jensen sucks in air through his nose, and then he’s on his feet and out of the room, hurrying up the stairs.
That’s it, isn’t it? That’s why Jared is so unhappy. Because Jensen doesn’t look him in the eye to say anything?
“A big fat lie,” Jensen murmurs distraught as he sinks down on their bed. “Our whole relationship. A big fat lie.”
He should have known. He’s been held up in customs too many times to count, because apparently he looks shifty when they ask him questions. Guilty. Like he’s lying. Why would Jared think any differently?
Eye contact, it’s important, Jensen knows that. And he can fake it, pretty well actually, as long as he keeps a slight distance and focuses on a spot close enough, like between the eyes or on the forehead. The only people he’s ever really been able to meet head-on are his parents and siblings. And now Jared. But only as long as he keeps quiet.
Because that’s the thing. He absolutely can not maintain eye contact while talking. It’s just not possible. He can’t focus on two things like that at the same time.
“I never say anything,” he repeats to himself for the hundredth time. “Is this what Jared meant? That I never say anything directly. To him. To his eyes.”
Sadie whines from where she’s lying by his feet, startling him a little. She must have followed him up the stairs. He hadn’t noticed. He crouches on the floor, taking Sadie’s head in his hands. Stares into her eyes. She gazes back. Seconds tick by. A whole minute.
“My name is Jensen,” he says.
His focus shifts the moment he starts talking and he sighs. See? He just can’t do it. Not even to the damn dog.
“What are you doing?”
He freezes. Slowly stands up and turns around to meet Jared’s amused gaze. Takes a deep breath. “Jared…”
Jared raises his eyebrows. “Yeah?”
Jensen swallows. “Nothing.”
-------
“You got any idea what’s going on with Jensen?” Jared asks as soon as Danneel picks up.
“Hello to you, too,” she admonishes. “I can hear Jensen is rubbing off on you.” She pauses. “That came out wrong. Or right. I’m not sure.”
“Hello, Danneel. How are you?” Jared dismisses. “So Jensen? He talking to you?”
“He hasn’t mentioned anything out of the ordinary. Why? Is something wrong?”
Jared pinches the bridge of his nose. “I’m not sure. He just seems… odd. Er. Odder. Really tense. I think he’s hiding something from me. He’s definitely lying about something.”
“Jensen?” she says, clearly surprised. “He hates lying. He’s awful at it.”
“I know!” Jared says, distraught. “That’s how I can tell. I’m just worried. He’s really tense. Like, he keeps repeating stuff -”
“His own words or yours?” Danneel cuts in.
Jared thinks. “His own, mostly.” Jensen repeats others as well, but it’s more like he’s mulling the words over. This feels different. More stressed.
“Palilalia,” she says thoughtful.
Seriously, how is anyone supposed to remember a word like that?
“Yeah, that. And he’s always disappearing somewhere and I don’t see him for hours. And…” Jared hesitates.
“What?”
“He’s… sex crazy. Like… all the time.” He can feel himself blushing. “It’s kinda exhausting.”
Danneel is silent for a while. “Did you have a fight?” she finally asks.
“No.” He pauses. “I don’t think so.”
“Maybe he thinks you did. He hates having disagreements. It really stresses him out. Anything you said or did that he might have misinterpreted?”
Jared thinks back on the last few weeks. Nothing stands out.
“Or it might just be something bothering him at work. You have any new extras that might be giving him a hard time? Someone on the crew? New director?”
“No. We’ve had Kim. You know how Jensen loves Kim. And Jim’s been amazing. Jensen even told him he liked him, and he never says that to anyone.” Jared pauses. “Alona keeps hitting on him, but, honestly, I don’t think he’s noticed.”
“He notices more than you think,” Danneel reminds him. “There’s a lot going on in that pretty head of his that he doesn’t show, you know that.”
Jared knew that. He did. He does. He just doesn’t always remember.
--------
“Alona is nice.”
Jensen looks at Jared. Then over at where Alona is practicing her fighting skills. They’re rather limited. Her t-shirt keeps hitching up to reveal even more of her back and stomach. It’s a bit cold today, there are goose bumps peppering her skin.
Jensen nods, wondering why Jared is bringing that up all of a sudden. Maybe he just noticed.
“Sweet. Very friendly.”
Or maybe Alona just made him notice. Maybe she’s after Jared now. Her gaydar must really suck.
“She’s been talking to you a lot.” Jared smiles. “You seem to hit it off.”
Jensen looks up at him, not sure where this is going. Jared can’t mind that, can he? He talks to other people all the time. “Yes?”
Jared shrugs, smiles again. “I think maybe she likes you.”
“She wants to have sex with me,” Jensen rectifies. “She finds me sexually attractive.” He looks over at Alona again. She’s laughing; her eyes flickering over to catch him stare at her. She smiles and gives a little wave. Jensen waves back. “I am very hot,” he confirms.
“You are,” Jared says. His voice sounds strangled but when Jensen looks at him he’s nodding, his lips pressed together and twitching at the corners.
“So are you,” Jensen reminds him in case Jared is feeling jealous. “She probably wants to have sex with you, too. Especially since I told her you have a really big penis.”
Jared chokes on his breath. “What? Jensen, you- What?”
“That was a joke,” Jensen explains. He smiles when Jared just stares at him. “See, I do have a sense of humor.”
Jared laughs. His face is a little red. “So you’re not bothered by her constantly hitting on you?”
Jensen frowns. “No. Girls hit on me all the time. I’m really hot.” Something occurs to him and he looks at Jared. “Does it bother you?”
The smile drops off Jared’s face. “That she hits on you? A little. Yeah.”
“Why?” Jensen asks, honestly baffled. When has he ever given Jared any reason to think he might cheat on him? He lost interest in other men the moment he realized he was in love with Jared. Is this why Jared is leaving? Because he thinks Jensen might cheat on him? With a girl? No, Jared would never be that stupid. Would he?
Jared is quiet for a while. “Because,” he finally says, “she shouldn’t be doing it. You don’t hit on someone who’s taken. Who already has someone,” he explains when Jensen frowns.
Jensen rather likes that. Taken. He’s taken. By Jared. “She doesn’t know I’m taken,” he points out. Taken and possibly about to be returned.
“That’s my point.” Jared sighs when Jensen just blinks at him. “I’m just saying, if you were my girlfriend everyone would know.”
Jensen stiffens. “If I were your girlfriend I’d be a girl,” he says tightly. “And you wouldn’t be gay. You’d be straight. We’d both be straight except you’d sleep with women and I’d sleep with men.”
“I didn’t mean…” Jared groans. “I’m too tired for this. You’re confusing me.”
“Welcome to my world,” Jensen tells him.
Jared laughs.
Jensen clenches his fists. His chest feels tight. Nothing about this is funny. He feels angry. Hurt. Really, really scared. After everything he’s tried to be what Jared wants, it doesn’t even matter. Because he can’t change reality. He can’t make Jared not gay. He can’t turn himself into a girl. He can’t be what Jared apparently wants: a girlfriend.
Jensen turns on his heel and runs off, ignoring Jared shouting his name. Locks himself in his trailer and doesn’t answer when Jared knocks. Or when the PA knocks. Not even when Kim knocks. The lights are turned off, and the space under the table is small and comforting.
-------
Jensen stares out at the dark streets passing by. It’s just past midnight. He can see the reflection of Jared’s hands on the steering wheel, knuckles so white they shine. Jensen didn’t even know Jared could get this upset, this angry.
Jensen presses his cheek to the cool glass, his shoulders curving as he tries to make himself as small as possible. He hadn’t planned for this part, how to handle this. He’d figured he’d just slip out of the trailer once everyone had gone home and then… Well, he didn’t really know where he’d go, and it hadn’t mattered anyway, because Jared had given Jensen no choice once he’d made sure he wasn’t hurt, just ordered him to get his ass into the car, they were going home, now!
Angry Jared scares the crap out of Jensen.
“You scared the hell out of me! Out of everyone. You can’t just-” Jared sucks in a deep breath then blows it out again. He sounds a little like a walrus. “Three hours! You have no idea how worried I was!”
Jensen disagrees. He has a pretty good idea, actually. Jared shouting at him through the door and then bursting in the minute they finally got it open, eyes wide and frantic with fear, was a big clue.
Jared breathes deeply again. He shakes his head. When he continues his voice is calmer but it still trembles. “I know there’s something going on with you, Jen. I need you to talk to me. Did I do something? Say something? I’m just… I’m feeling really lost here. You have to help me out.”
“When are you leaving?” Jensen asks. His voice sounds strange in his ears after the many hours of silence. Hoarse.
“What?”
“When are you leaving?” Jensen repeats. “I need to know so I can prepare for it. There should be a schedule. A plan. I work much better with a plan. You know that, so why do you think you can just spring this on me whenever you like? It’s not how I work. You know I can’t-”
“Jensen, Jensen, slow down,” Jared cuts in. “What’s…? Why do you think I’m leaving?”
“Don’t think,” Jensen says tightly. “Know. I heard you.”
“Heard me?” Jared echoes. “I’ve never talked about leaving.”
“On the phone,” Jensen bites out. He’s starting to get angry despite how terrified he is. Why is Jared denying something they both know is true? “You said you were going.”
Jared’s eyes shift from the road to Jensen. He looks utterly bewildered.
“Jensen,” he says slowly. “I’m not leaving you. I promise. Why would I leave you?”
It’s not the girlfriend thing. Jensen spent over an hour thinking that through only to come to the conclusion that Jared likes cock way too much to want to give it up for vaginal sex. Even if the vagina in question hypothetically belonged to Jensen. Then he spent another hour trying to figure out what Jared did mean. The only thing he could think of was that Jared didn’t think Jensen was someone worth telling people about. That he wasn’t good enough to be introduced as Jared’s boyfriend. After all Jared had had no problem telling everyone about Sandy. And she wasn’t even a real girlfriend.
Which brought Jensen back to where this all started.
“I never say anything! I never…” Jensen sucks in his breath. “Just stupid things. Right? Stupid, boring… fucking boring things!”
“Hey, they’re not stupid, they’re not boring,” Jared says quickly. “I like listening to you talk.”
“Don’t patronize me!” Jensen yells. “I’m not a child! Don’t talk to me like I’m stupid! I’m not stupid! I’m a lot smarter than you! You’re the stupid, stupid FUCK!”
Jared flinches. His mouth sets in a thin line.
“Yeah, I know,” he snaps. “I’m the dumb one. Like right now? I don’t have a fucking clue what you’re talking about!”
He’s yelling now. Loud, so very loud, and Jensen can’t stand it.
“I never say anything! That’s what you said. I never say anything. I talk and talk and talk but I never say anything! Just stupid, boring things.” He presses the heels of his hands into his eye sockets, his shoulders shaking as he cries. “I don’t want you to leave. I don’t want you to leave me.”
He’s vaguely aware of the car coming to a halt, and then Jared’s loosening his seatbelt and pulling him in close, fingers stroking through his hair.
“Sshh. Jensen… Please, don’t. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. I’m just tired. And confused. I really have no clue what you’re talking about, but I promise you, I’m not leaving. I’m not leaving. I don’t want to leave you ever.”
“You, you said…” Jensen hiccups.
“Whatever you heard, I promise you, that’s not what I meant. I love you. I never want to leave you. Ever.”
Jensen puts his hands over his ears and cries and cries.
-------
He wakes up in the middle of the night. He knows it’s night because the curtains aren’t drawn and he can see the moon outside. Only the small lamp on Jared’s side of the bed is lit, casting a soft yellow light over the room. He’s alone in bed.
“Hey.”
Jensen turns his head. Jared is sitting on a chair, watching him. He looks tired. Worried.
“I’m in bed,” Jensen says, confused. His eyes burn, and his head feels oddly heavy.
Jared nods. “You fell asleep in the car. I carried you in.”
“I’m too heavy for you to carry me.”
Jared cracks a small smile. “Apparently not.”
“You have been working out a lot,” Jensen acknowledges. He does like Jared’s muscles. They’re very firm. “Why are you not sleeping?”
Jared’s smile fades. “I think we need to talk,” he says, voice sounding strangely cautious.
And just like that it all comes back to him. The fight. Him crying. Jared leaving him.
Jared leaving.
Jared is instantly there, pulling Jensen’s hands away from his face. “Hey, hey. Sshh. Calm down.”
“You, you’re leaving. You’re -”
“I’m not leaving you. Okay? I’m not leaving. I love you.”
Jensen shakes his head. He has no idea what to believe. He heard Jared say it. He heard him! Why would Jared say something like that if he didn’t mean it?
“Okay, let’s talk about this,” Jared says gently. “Are you listening?”
Jensen hitches his breath. He nods.
“You know I love you.”
Jensen nods again, blinking as tears well up in his eyes. That just makes the whole thing worse!
“Okay. I love you,” Jared confirms. “So why would I leave you?”
“I never say anything,” Jensen whispers. His chest hurts so much.
“You never say anything?” Jared repeats, eyebrows knotting. “About what?”
“I don’t know. That’s what you said. I never say anything. And, and you said you were ‘so gone’. Gone!”
Jared is looking at him, the frown between his eyebrows the one Jensen recognizes from when he’s making it look like Sam is thinking really hard. Then he blinks, his eyes widening just a fraction. “Jensen, was I talking to Sandy? On the phone?”
Jensen nods.
Jared sits back. “Jensen… God! That was four weeks ago! You’ve been worrying about this for four weeks?”
Jensen nods again. It’s about all he can handle now.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Jesus!”
“You already knew,” Jensen reminds him, his voice shaking. “You were the one who said it.”
Jared just stares at him. “Sometimes I really wish I could see inside your head. Jensen, I… I didn’t… God. I’m sorry.” He rubs a hand over his face. “You’re right. I am a stupid fuck. I’m moaning about you not saying stuff, while at the same time I’m…” He shakes his head. “This, I should have talked to you about this. Not Sandy. You. I’m so sorry.”
Jensen doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say so he just keeps quiet.
Jared sighs. “Something was bothering me and I let it get to me more than it should have. It was temporary and it doesn’t even matter anymore but… I should have just told you. I’m sorry.”
“Told me what?” Jensen asks, anxious, since it doesn’t seem like Jared is going to make sense any time soon.
Jared bites his lip. He looks hesitant before taking a deep breath, eyes fixed on Jensen. “You have never said you love me.”
Jensen blinks, taken aback. What? That’s not true.
“I know you do. I know. It’s just… I sometimes wish you’d say it. That’s all.”
“I did say it,” Jensen protests. “I told you, the first time we had sex. You said you were in love with me and I said I felt the same way. Did you forget?”
Jared smiles. He looks a lot more relaxed now. Not like he’s going to cry. Which is good, because if Jared started to cry Jensen wouldn’t have any idea what to do. He doesn’t think Jared would fit in the closet.
“I didn’t forget. I just…” Jared stops. “Okay. Remember when we watched Ghost because you didn’t know what Dean meant about Swayze-ing something? Remember Swayze… I mean Sam, his character, he always said ‘Ditto’. Remember that? Every time his wife said she loved him, he said ‘Ditto’.”
Jensen nods. “It means ‘as above’ or likewise.”
“Yes. Okay, here’s the thing. Even if it meant he felt the same way she wasn’t happy because… it’s not the same as hearing someone actually say they love you.”
Jensen frowns. “You just said it meant the same thing.”
“Yeah, but… See, love is a very heavy word. It carries a lot more emotional meaning than any word you might substitute it with. So when, when you love someone you want to not just tell them, but you also want to hear them say they love you. Repeatedly. Not because you think they’ve forgotten if they don’t, but because… I can’t really explain it. It’s just very important.” Jared bites his lip. “It’s kinda like that with us. I told you I was in love with you, and you said you felt the same way. But you never actually said ‘I love you.’ And however many times I say it to you, you never say it back. And that... Well, it hurts a little. Even if I know you do love me. But I never considered leaving you because of it,” he adds quickly. “It’s not that important.”
“Yes, you did. You said you were gone,” Jensen argues. “So gone. That’s what you said.”
Jared smiles. “Yes. So gone. Gone for you. Meaning completely, utterly, irrevocably in love with you.”
Jensen blinks. “Oh.” He didn’t know it could mean that. Why would being in love mean you were going away? It makes no sense.
“Yeah. Oh.” Jared laughs a little. “I guess we both need to be more clear about what we’re saying. Talking helps. To each other, not other people,” he adds with a smile.
Jensen bites his lip. He takes a deep breath. “I can’t talk and look you in the eye at the same time.”
“Okay,” Jared says, still smiling.
Jensen shakes his head. “No. You’re supposed to look a person in the eye when you tell them important things. Or they think you’re lying.”
“Oh.” Jared frowns, looking thoughtful. “Is that why-”
“No. I just… You need to know I’m not lying. Even though I look away.”
“Okay.”
Jensen bites his lip. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath then opens them again and gazes into Jared’s eyes. “I love you,” he says.
Jared’s blurry face breaks into a smile. “I love you, too.”
Then his hands are in Jensen’s hair and they’re kissing like there is just the two of them in the whole world. Like there always will be. Like Jared is not now nor ever will he be leaving.
-------
“I don’t like cuddling,” Jensen confesses after.
Jared smiles at him. “I know. You do it just for me. Thank you.” He uncurls his arm from Jensen’s neck and moves away, allowing him to lie down on the pillow. “But you don’t have to do anything you don’t like, you know that, right?”
“If I never did things I didn’t like you’d stop liking me,” Jensen points out.
Jared raises himself up on one elbow to stare down at him. “You can’t really believe that?”
“Yes. Relationships are about compromising. Sacrificing. Adapting to your partner’s needs,” Jensen quotes.
Jared nods. “Yeah, they are. But… we’re two in this relationship.”
Jensen looks at him, uncomprehending.
“If you do things you wouldn’t otherwise just to make me happy then I should do things that make you happy,” Jared explains.
“You do. You’re here,” Jensen reminds him.
Jared smiles but it looks a little sad. “More than just being here. Tell me something I can do. Or something you’d rather not do. Like cuddling,” he suggests when Jensen hesitates. “I think cuddling is nice but I can very well live without it if it bothers you.”
“We can cuddle sometimes,” Jensen allows. “Just not for long.”
Jared nods. “Okay. That’s good. I’d like that. What else? Tell me. Anything,” he insists.
Jensen bites his lip. “I don’t like it when you don’t shave,” he finally admits.
Jared looks a little surprised but he nods. “Okay, I can shave. What else? It’s okay, I want to know.”
Jensen breathes in. “You read over my shoulder. You hug me from behind without warning. Sometimes you don’t brush your teeth after sex. You touch me with your bare feet when we’re on the couch…”
He talks and talks and talks. After a while Jared gets a notebook to write it all down. He never laughs, and he doesn’t get angry, and when Jensen’s done it’s Jared’s turn. Although most of what he mentions doesn’t make much sense to Jensen he dutifully writes every single thing down, just like Jared did.
When they’re done they go downstairs and hang their lists up on the fridge, side by side, and then Jared heats up last night’s pizza which Jensen eats without a word even if it’s not pizza night, because they missed dinner and crying always makes him really hungry.
Then they go back upstairs and Jared brushes his teeth and even showers before joining Jensen in bed. They kiss goodnight and share a smile, before settling under the covers, ten inches between them. Jensen closes his eyes, for the first time in weeks not feeling like he’s suffocating. He’s asleep within minutes.
Jared is just about to drift off himself when Jensen rolls over, his head landing on Jared’s pillow and his hand on Jared’s chest. Jared holds his breath. Jensen mumbles something in his sleep and snuggles closer, fitting them together like two pieces of a puzzle, before going slack, mouth open on a light snore.
Jared smiles. He stays awake for almost an hour, basking in the warmth of Jensen’s palm covering his heart.
Fin
Ps. I'm so sorry I never answered feedback to The Puzzle. That was one I really meant to give my attention to but life has been hectic and it doesn't seem to be slowing down any time soon. I want you to know I deeply appreciate every single one of them and that they made a huge positive impact on me, especially since I'd been so anxious about posting. I have to admit I'm even more anxious about this one because it dives into what I only skimmed before, the emotional side of this kind of relationship. This Jensen is a very complex character to deal with and I'm never sure whether I'm reading him right or not. Which I guess is only fair, considering 'normal' people don't make much sense to him.
They’re on the couch, watching some dramatic movie on HBO. Not much plot really but there’s nothing else on and they’ll be going to bed soon anyway.
Jensen fidgets by Jared’s side, his fingers tap-dancing nervously upon his knee. Jared has asked him a couple of times if he’d rather watch something else, but Jensen shakes his head, assuring him it’s fine, interesting, fine, fine, fine, fi- Fuck. Stop it!
He leans closer and puts his head on Jared’s shoulder. Takes Jared’s hand and braids their fingers together. Smiles back when Jared smiles at him.
He’s been cataloguing what makes Jared happy, and what doesn’t, then doing his best to act accordingly. Waking Jared up when he falls asleep on the couch instead of leaving him there for the night. (It made Jared’s back hurt and his mood grumpy.) Taking the dogs out for a walk in the morning when Jared is tired. Giving him blowjobs if he looks worried or stressed. (Actually, sex in general makes Jared happy, and since Jensen is more than happy himself to provide, they do a lot of that.) And then just things like this. Holding Jared’s hand, kissing him. Snuggling. Nodding when he’s talking, like it’s actually interesting. Making sure not to talk about stuff that’s not. (This one is hard to follow because what may bore Jared is still interesting to Jensen and knowing the difference is pretty impossible. So mostly he just keeps quiet.)
It’s exhausting. His home has always been the one place where he could just be himself. The one place where he didn’t need to cater to everyone else’s need and could just let loose and relax. Now… Now he’s on edge, all the time. Calculating his every move, mulling over every word before he dares to let it out, then, at the end of the day, analyzing everything while trying to figure out how he can make the next one better. But if it will keep Jared happy, keep Jared here, it’s worth it. It’s worth everything.
It’s been over three weeks and Jared is still here. So maybe… maybe.
“I don’t believe you,” the girl on the screen is yelling at her boyfriend, loud enough to bring Jensen out of his musings. “You’re lying. Look me in the eye and tell me you really love me. See, you can’t. It’s all a lie, isn’t it? Our whole relationship, it’s just a big fat lie.”
Jensen goes absolutely still. Oh.
“You okay?”
Jensen nods. He feels a little sick in his stomach.
“Hey,” Jared says softly. “Look at me. ”
Jensen sucks in air through his nose, and then he’s on his feet and out of the room, hurrying up the stairs.
That’s it, isn’t it? That’s why Jared is so unhappy. Because Jensen doesn’t look him in the eye to say anything?
“A big fat lie,” Jensen murmurs distraught as he sinks down on their bed. “Our whole relationship. A big fat lie.”
He should have known. He’s been held up in customs too many times to count, because apparently he looks shifty when they ask him questions. Guilty. Like he’s lying. Why would Jared think any differently?
Eye contact, it’s important, Jensen knows that. And he can fake it, pretty well actually, as long as he keeps a slight distance and focuses on a spot close enough, like between the eyes or on the forehead. The only people he’s ever really been able to meet head-on are his parents and siblings. And now Jared. But only as long as he keeps quiet.
Because that’s the thing. He absolutely can not maintain eye contact while talking. It’s just not possible. He can’t focus on two things like that at the same time.
“I never say anything,” he repeats to himself for the hundredth time. “Is this what Jared meant? That I never say anything directly. To him. To his eyes.”
Sadie whines from where she’s lying by his feet, startling him a little. She must have followed him up the stairs. He hadn’t noticed. He crouches on the floor, taking Sadie’s head in his hands. Stares into her eyes. She gazes back. Seconds tick by. A whole minute.
“My name is Jensen,” he says.
His focus shifts the moment he starts talking and he sighs. See? He just can’t do it. Not even to the damn dog.
“What are you doing?”
He freezes. Slowly stands up and turns around to meet Jared’s amused gaze. Takes a deep breath. “Jared…”
Jared raises his eyebrows. “Yeah?”
Jensen swallows. “Nothing.”
-------
“You got any idea what’s going on with Jensen?” Jared asks as soon as Danneel picks up.
“Hello to you, too,” she admonishes. “I can hear Jensen is rubbing off on you.” She pauses. “That came out wrong. Or right. I’m not sure.”
“Hello, Danneel. How are you?” Jared dismisses. “So Jensen? He talking to you?”
“He hasn’t mentioned anything out of the ordinary. Why? Is something wrong?”
Jared pinches the bridge of his nose. “I’m not sure. He just seems… odd. Er. Odder. Really tense. I think he’s hiding something from me. He’s definitely lying about something.”
“Jensen?” she says, clearly surprised. “He hates lying. He’s awful at it.”
“I know!” Jared says, distraught. “That’s how I can tell. I’m just worried. He’s really tense. Like, he keeps repeating stuff -”
“His own words or yours?” Danneel cuts in.
Jared thinks. “His own, mostly.” Jensen repeats others as well, but it’s more like he’s mulling the words over. This feels different. More stressed.
“Palilalia,” she says thoughtful.
Seriously, how is anyone supposed to remember a word like that?
“Yeah, that. And he’s always disappearing somewhere and I don’t see him for hours. And…” Jared hesitates.
“What?”
“He’s… sex crazy. Like… all the time.” He can feel himself blushing. “It’s kinda exhausting.”
Danneel is silent for a while. “Did you have a fight?” she finally asks.
“No.” He pauses. “I don’t think so.”
“Maybe he thinks you did. He hates having disagreements. It really stresses him out. Anything you said or did that he might have misinterpreted?”
Jared thinks back on the last few weeks. Nothing stands out.
“Or it might just be something bothering him at work. You have any new extras that might be giving him a hard time? Someone on the crew? New director?”
“No. We’ve had Kim. You know how Jensen loves Kim. And Jim’s been amazing. Jensen even told him he liked him, and he never says that to anyone.” Jared pauses. “Alona keeps hitting on him, but, honestly, I don’t think he’s noticed.”
“He notices more than you think,” Danneel reminds him. “There’s a lot going on in that pretty head of his that he doesn’t show, you know that.”
Jared knew that. He did. He does. He just doesn’t always remember.
--------
“Alona is nice.”
Jensen looks at Jared. Then over at where Alona is practicing her fighting skills. They’re rather limited. Her t-shirt keeps hitching up to reveal even more of her back and stomach. It’s a bit cold today, there are goose bumps peppering her skin.
Jensen nods, wondering why Jared is bringing that up all of a sudden. Maybe he just noticed.
“Sweet. Very friendly.”
Or maybe Alona just made him notice. Maybe she’s after Jared now. Her gaydar must really suck.
“She’s been talking to you a lot.” Jared smiles. “You seem to hit it off.”
Jensen looks up at him, not sure where this is going. Jared can’t mind that, can he? He talks to other people all the time. “Yes?”
Jared shrugs, smiles again. “I think maybe she likes you.”
“She wants to have sex with me,” Jensen rectifies. “She finds me sexually attractive.” He looks over at Alona again. She’s laughing; her eyes flickering over to catch him stare at her. She smiles and gives a little wave. Jensen waves back. “I am very hot,” he confirms.
“You are,” Jared says. His voice sounds strangled but when Jensen looks at him he’s nodding, his lips pressed together and twitching at the corners.
“So are you,” Jensen reminds him in case Jared is feeling jealous. “She probably wants to have sex with you, too. Especially since I told her you have a really big penis.”
Jared chokes on his breath. “What? Jensen, you- What?”
“That was a joke,” Jensen explains. He smiles when Jared just stares at him. “See, I do have a sense of humor.”
Jared laughs. His face is a little red. “So you’re not bothered by her constantly hitting on you?”
Jensen frowns. “No. Girls hit on me all the time. I’m really hot.” Something occurs to him and he looks at Jared. “Does it bother you?”
The smile drops off Jared’s face. “That she hits on you? A little. Yeah.”
“Why?” Jensen asks, honestly baffled. When has he ever given Jared any reason to think he might cheat on him? He lost interest in other men the moment he realized he was in love with Jared. Is this why Jared is leaving? Because he thinks Jensen might cheat on him? With a girl? No, Jared would never be that stupid. Would he?
Jared is quiet for a while. “Because,” he finally says, “she shouldn’t be doing it. You don’t hit on someone who’s taken. Who already has someone,” he explains when Jensen frowns.
Jensen rather likes that. Taken. He’s taken. By Jared. “She doesn’t know I’m taken,” he points out. Taken and possibly about to be returned.
“That’s my point.” Jared sighs when Jensen just blinks at him. “I’m just saying, if you were my girlfriend everyone would know.”
Jensen stiffens. “If I were your girlfriend I’d be a girl,” he says tightly. “And you wouldn’t be gay. You’d be straight. We’d both be straight except you’d sleep with women and I’d sleep with men.”
“I didn’t mean…” Jared groans. “I’m too tired for this. You’re confusing me.”
“Welcome to my world,” Jensen tells him.
Jared laughs.
Jensen clenches his fists. His chest feels tight. Nothing about this is funny. He feels angry. Hurt. Really, really scared. After everything he’s tried to be what Jared wants, it doesn’t even matter. Because he can’t change reality. He can’t make Jared not gay. He can’t turn himself into a girl. He can’t be what Jared apparently wants: a girlfriend.
Jensen turns on his heel and runs off, ignoring Jared shouting his name. Locks himself in his trailer and doesn’t answer when Jared knocks. Or when the PA knocks. Not even when Kim knocks. The lights are turned off, and the space under the table is small and comforting.
-------
Jensen stares out at the dark streets passing by. It’s just past midnight. He can see the reflection of Jared’s hands on the steering wheel, knuckles so white they shine. Jensen didn’t even know Jared could get this upset, this angry.
Jensen presses his cheek to the cool glass, his shoulders curving as he tries to make himself as small as possible. He hadn’t planned for this part, how to handle this. He’d figured he’d just slip out of the trailer once everyone had gone home and then… Well, he didn’t really know where he’d go, and it hadn’t mattered anyway, because Jared had given Jensen no choice once he’d made sure he wasn’t hurt, just ordered him to get his ass into the car, they were going home, now!
Angry Jared scares the crap out of Jensen.
“You scared the hell out of me! Out of everyone. You can’t just-” Jared sucks in a deep breath then blows it out again. He sounds a little like a walrus. “Three hours! You have no idea how worried I was!”
Jensen disagrees. He has a pretty good idea, actually. Jared shouting at him through the door and then bursting in the minute they finally got it open, eyes wide and frantic with fear, was a big clue.
Jared breathes deeply again. He shakes his head. When he continues his voice is calmer but it still trembles. “I know there’s something going on with you, Jen. I need you to talk to me. Did I do something? Say something? I’m just… I’m feeling really lost here. You have to help me out.”
“When are you leaving?” Jensen asks. His voice sounds strange in his ears after the many hours of silence. Hoarse.
“What?”
“When are you leaving?” Jensen repeats. “I need to know so I can prepare for it. There should be a schedule. A plan. I work much better with a plan. You know that, so why do you think you can just spring this on me whenever you like? It’s not how I work. You know I can’t-”
“Jensen, Jensen, slow down,” Jared cuts in. “What’s…? Why do you think I’m leaving?”
“Don’t think,” Jensen says tightly. “Know. I heard you.”
“Heard me?” Jared echoes. “I’ve never talked about leaving.”
“On the phone,” Jensen bites out. He’s starting to get angry despite how terrified he is. Why is Jared denying something they both know is true? “You said you were going.”
Jared’s eyes shift from the road to Jensen. He looks utterly bewildered.
“Jensen,” he says slowly. “I’m not leaving you. I promise. Why would I leave you?”
It’s not the girlfriend thing. Jensen spent over an hour thinking that through only to come to the conclusion that Jared likes cock way too much to want to give it up for vaginal sex. Even if the vagina in question hypothetically belonged to Jensen. Then he spent another hour trying to figure out what Jared did mean. The only thing he could think of was that Jared didn’t think Jensen was someone worth telling people about. That he wasn’t good enough to be introduced as Jared’s boyfriend. After all Jared had had no problem telling everyone about Sandy. And she wasn’t even a real girlfriend.
Which brought Jensen back to where this all started.
“I never say anything! I never…” Jensen sucks in his breath. “Just stupid things. Right? Stupid, boring… fucking boring things!”
“Hey, they’re not stupid, they’re not boring,” Jared says quickly. “I like listening to you talk.”
“Don’t patronize me!” Jensen yells. “I’m not a child! Don’t talk to me like I’m stupid! I’m not stupid! I’m a lot smarter than you! You’re the stupid, stupid FUCK!”
Jared flinches. His mouth sets in a thin line.
“Yeah, I know,” he snaps. “I’m the dumb one. Like right now? I don’t have a fucking clue what you’re talking about!”
He’s yelling now. Loud, so very loud, and Jensen can’t stand it.
“I never say anything! That’s what you said. I never say anything. I talk and talk and talk but I never say anything! Just stupid, boring things.” He presses the heels of his hands into his eye sockets, his shoulders shaking as he cries. “I don’t want you to leave. I don’t want you to leave me.”
He’s vaguely aware of the car coming to a halt, and then Jared’s loosening his seatbelt and pulling him in close, fingers stroking through his hair.
“Sshh. Jensen… Please, don’t. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. I’m just tired. And confused. I really have no clue what you’re talking about, but I promise you, I’m not leaving. I’m not leaving. I don’t want to leave you ever.”
“You, you said…” Jensen hiccups.
“Whatever you heard, I promise you, that’s not what I meant. I love you. I never want to leave you. Ever.”
Jensen puts his hands over his ears and cries and cries.
-------
He wakes up in the middle of the night. He knows it’s night because the curtains aren’t drawn and he can see the moon outside. Only the small lamp on Jared’s side of the bed is lit, casting a soft yellow light over the room. He’s alone in bed.
“Hey.”
Jensen turns his head. Jared is sitting on a chair, watching him. He looks tired. Worried.
“I’m in bed,” Jensen says, confused. His eyes burn, and his head feels oddly heavy.
Jared nods. “You fell asleep in the car. I carried you in.”
“I’m too heavy for you to carry me.”
Jared cracks a small smile. “Apparently not.”
“You have been working out a lot,” Jensen acknowledges. He does like Jared’s muscles. They’re very firm. “Why are you not sleeping?”
Jared’s smile fades. “I think we need to talk,” he says, voice sounding strangely cautious.
And just like that it all comes back to him. The fight. Him crying. Jared leaving him.
Jared leaving.
Jared is instantly there, pulling Jensen’s hands away from his face. “Hey, hey. Sshh. Calm down.”
“You, you’re leaving. You’re -”
“I’m not leaving you. Okay? I’m not leaving. I love you.”
Jensen shakes his head. He has no idea what to believe. He heard Jared say it. He heard him! Why would Jared say something like that if he didn’t mean it?
“Okay, let’s talk about this,” Jared says gently. “Are you listening?”
Jensen hitches his breath. He nods.
“You know I love you.”
Jensen nods again, blinking as tears well up in his eyes. That just makes the whole thing worse!
“Okay. I love you,” Jared confirms. “So why would I leave you?”
“I never say anything,” Jensen whispers. His chest hurts so much.
“You never say anything?” Jared repeats, eyebrows knotting. “About what?”
“I don’t know. That’s what you said. I never say anything. And, and you said you were ‘so gone’. Gone!”
Jared is looking at him, the frown between his eyebrows the one Jensen recognizes from when he’s making it look like Sam is thinking really hard. Then he blinks, his eyes widening just a fraction. “Jensen, was I talking to Sandy? On the phone?”
Jensen nods.
Jared sits back. “Jensen… God! That was four weeks ago! You’ve been worrying about this for four weeks?”
Jensen nods again. It’s about all he can handle now.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Jesus!”
“You already knew,” Jensen reminds him, his voice shaking. “You were the one who said it.”
Jared just stares at him. “Sometimes I really wish I could see inside your head. Jensen, I… I didn’t… God. I’m sorry.” He rubs a hand over his face. “You’re right. I am a stupid fuck. I’m moaning about you not saying stuff, while at the same time I’m…” He shakes his head. “This, I should have talked to you about this. Not Sandy. You. I’m so sorry.”
Jensen doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say so he just keeps quiet.
Jared sighs. “Something was bothering me and I let it get to me more than it should have. It was temporary and it doesn’t even matter anymore but… I should have just told you. I’m sorry.”
“Told me what?” Jensen asks, anxious, since it doesn’t seem like Jared is going to make sense any time soon.
Jared bites his lip. He looks hesitant before taking a deep breath, eyes fixed on Jensen. “You have never said you love me.”
Jensen blinks, taken aback. What? That’s not true.
“I know you do. I know. It’s just… I sometimes wish you’d say it. That’s all.”
“I did say it,” Jensen protests. “I told you, the first time we had sex. You said you were in love with me and I said I felt the same way. Did you forget?”
Jared smiles. He looks a lot more relaxed now. Not like he’s going to cry. Which is good, because if Jared started to cry Jensen wouldn’t have any idea what to do. He doesn’t think Jared would fit in the closet.
“I didn’t forget. I just…” Jared stops. “Okay. Remember when we watched Ghost because you didn’t know what Dean meant about Swayze-ing something? Remember Swayze… I mean Sam, his character, he always said ‘Ditto’. Remember that? Every time his wife said she loved him, he said ‘Ditto’.”
Jensen nods. “It means ‘as above’ or likewise.”
“Yes. Okay, here’s the thing. Even if it meant he felt the same way she wasn’t happy because… it’s not the same as hearing someone actually say they love you.”
Jensen frowns. “You just said it meant the same thing.”
“Yeah, but… See, love is a very heavy word. It carries a lot more emotional meaning than any word you might substitute it with. So when, when you love someone you want to not just tell them, but you also want to hear them say they love you. Repeatedly. Not because you think they’ve forgotten if they don’t, but because… I can’t really explain it. It’s just very important.” Jared bites his lip. “It’s kinda like that with us. I told you I was in love with you, and you said you felt the same way. But you never actually said ‘I love you.’ And however many times I say it to you, you never say it back. And that... Well, it hurts a little. Even if I know you do love me. But I never considered leaving you because of it,” he adds quickly. “It’s not that important.”
“Yes, you did. You said you were gone,” Jensen argues. “So gone. That’s what you said.”
Jared smiles. “Yes. So gone. Gone for you. Meaning completely, utterly, irrevocably in love with you.”
Jensen blinks. “Oh.” He didn’t know it could mean that. Why would being in love mean you were going away? It makes no sense.
“Yeah. Oh.” Jared laughs a little. “I guess we both need to be more clear about what we’re saying. Talking helps. To each other, not other people,” he adds with a smile.
Jensen bites his lip. He takes a deep breath. “I can’t talk and look you in the eye at the same time.”
“Okay,” Jared says, still smiling.
Jensen shakes his head. “No. You’re supposed to look a person in the eye when you tell them important things. Or they think you’re lying.”
“Oh.” Jared frowns, looking thoughtful. “Is that why-”
“No. I just… You need to know I’m not lying. Even though I look away.”
“Okay.”
Jensen bites his lip. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath then opens them again and gazes into Jared’s eyes. “I love you,” he says.
Jared’s blurry face breaks into a smile. “I love you, too.”
Then his hands are in Jensen’s hair and they’re kissing like there is just the two of them in the whole world. Like there always will be. Like Jared is not now nor ever will he be leaving.
-------
“I don’t like cuddling,” Jensen confesses after.
Jared smiles at him. “I know. You do it just for me. Thank you.” He uncurls his arm from Jensen’s neck and moves away, allowing him to lie down on the pillow. “But you don’t have to do anything you don’t like, you know that, right?”
“If I never did things I didn’t like you’d stop liking me,” Jensen points out.
Jared raises himself up on one elbow to stare down at him. “You can’t really believe that?”
“Yes. Relationships are about compromising. Sacrificing. Adapting to your partner’s needs,” Jensen quotes.
Jared nods. “Yeah, they are. But… we’re two in this relationship.”
Jensen looks at him, uncomprehending.
“If you do things you wouldn’t otherwise just to make me happy then I should do things that make you happy,” Jared explains.
“You do. You’re here,” Jensen reminds him.
Jared smiles but it looks a little sad. “More than just being here. Tell me something I can do. Or something you’d rather not do. Like cuddling,” he suggests when Jensen hesitates. “I think cuddling is nice but I can very well live without it if it bothers you.”
“We can cuddle sometimes,” Jensen allows. “Just not for long.”
Jared nods. “Okay. That’s good. I’d like that. What else? Tell me. Anything,” he insists.
Jensen bites his lip. “I don’t like it when you don’t shave,” he finally admits.
Jared looks a little surprised but he nods. “Okay, I can shave. What else? It’s okay, I want to know.”
Jensen breathes in. “You read over my shoulder. You hug me from behind without warning. Sometimes you don’t brush your teeth after sex. You touch me with your bare feet when we’re on the couch…”
He talks and talks and talks. After a while Jared gets a notebook to write it all down. He never laughs, and he doesn’t get angry, and when Jensen’s done it’s Jared’s turn. Although most of what he mentions doesn’t make much sense to Jensen he dutifully writes every single thing down, just like Jared did.
When they’re done they go downstairs and hang their lists up on the fridge, side by side, and then Jared heats up last night’s pizza which Jensen eats without a word even if it’s not pizza night, because they missed dinner and crying always makes him really hungry.
Then they go back upstairs and Jared brushes his teeth and even showers before joining Jensen in bed. They kiss goodnight and share a smile, before settling under the covers, ten inches between them. Jensen closes his eyes, for the first time in weeks not feeling like he’s suffocating. He’s asleep within minutes.
Jared is just about to drift off himself when Jensen rolls over, his head landing on Jared’s pillow and his hand on Jared’s chest. Jared holds his breath. Jensen mumbles something in his sleep and snuggles closer, fitting them together like two pieces of a puzzle, before going slack, mouth open on a light snore.
Jared smiles. He stays awake for almost an hour, basking in the warmth of Jensen’s palm covering his heart.
Fin
Ps. I'm so sorry I never answered feedback to The Puzzle. That was one I really meant to give my attention to but life has been hectic and it doesn't seem to be slowing down any time soon. I want you to know I deeply appreciate every single one of them and that they made a huge positive impact on me, especially since I'd been so anxious about posting. I have to admit I'm even more anxious about this one because it dives into what I only skimmed before, the emotional side of this kind of relationship. This Jensen is a very complex character to deal with and I'm never sure whether I'm reading him right or not. Which I guess is only fair, considering 'normal' people don't make much sense to him.