We drowned them all in their swimming pools.
Well it's Christmas Day (or at least it has been for approximately two and a half hours anyway.) I feel kind of Christmasy finally which is good. I've just managed to argue myself my Massive Attack album (one of my Christmas Presents) early and I'm currently listening to and adoring it. My first impressions are that this would be fantastic music to either have sex to or get heavily wasted to, on something that isn't alcohol, but what I'm not sure. It has that gorgeous hypnotic music as part of it, and I am really into that and eastern influenced dance/electronic music. Mmmm.
I feel like I'm joining the little kid club at the momment because it's Christmas morning and I can't get to sleep. But I just can't get to sleep, rather than I can't wait to see what Santa's brought! Christmas was great when you were a kid, now it's just worrying about having no money to buy everyone presents, hating the commercialisation, and then feeling miserable because you ate RIDICULOUS amounts of over priced junk food and you already felt overweight and depressed before devouring enough food to feed two families in the developing world! But on the positive side it makes you realise just how fucking much you love your family, and how much good friends should mean to you.
I'm also having one of those annoying reflection moods at the momment, which always happens when I'm sleep deprived. I was just thinking about just how much my life has changed this year, and how many different things have happened to me that have changed me in some way, be it big or small: I've moved to a completely different part of the country, I've moved out of home (for a huge part of the year anyway), I've had sex with four more people, I've joined a band and recorded with them, I've had one new piercing, I've done my A-levels, I've got into and started at my first choice of university, I've become an official legal adult, I've finally visited London, I've been on protests, I've been in a car crash, I've had a family member die, I've had one family member announce they're having a baby, I've experimented with new substances, I've failed my driving test twice, I've lost friends and made friends, I've met loads of new people, I've spent way too much time in Hereford, and finally I've met someone that I finally feel doesn't use me.
After those reflections, I want to add more about what I feel I'm like now. After listing those things that immediately came to mind, it doesn't really look like much, it's strange how your life can look so small and things look so pointless on paper or in text. But I think that the most significant changes I've made in myself have been in the last three months. I feel that I've become more confident, more independent, and have a better understanding of myself and how I work. I've also learned to say no, and do what I want. I still have a lot of self-sorting to do. I thought I wasn't depressed, then realised I'm actually much worse than I thought I was. I guess the only difference now is that I've gotten alot better at hiding things, or hiding signs, so people don't pick up on them and in a strange kind of way I manage to hide them from myself. It's made me realise that this was never teenage angst.
I really wish that I had the will power to just become a Buddhist or someone who can just discard their material possesions and material beliefs and just be. Someone who doesn't have any anger at anyone or anything. But I'm too easily frustrated and in the words of my parents am too much of an 'angry little girl', and I have lived a material life so would never be able to stop living the lifestyle that I have, coz I'm weak. I get so fucking mad at people. I really do feel disgusted at how ignorant, and horrid humans really are. The whole fuck you as long as it betters me attitude, which I guess to a certain degree is only human, but sometimes people take too far. Arrogance, vanity, ignorance, violence, and closed minds are the main culprits. I know I'm far from perfect but I have way more respect for alot of people than they have for people other than themselves. But then I'm weak myself and can be too absorbed in myself and my problems to be what I should be to the people I care about. I need to get over myself before I can get better. But there's so much more thats in my head than you all know about, and there's so much you never will.
This has turned into a waffle 2001 style post. Uck. I just felt kind of retro so it fitted? It's that time of year we're meant to evaluate ourselves round now to start the new year with well thought out changes. This may look all negative and typical of me (apparantly I'm always negative, but I think it's just that I'm a realist and people misinterpret me more often than understand me.) But anyway I should probably go sleep now, as no doubt my sister will wake up within the next three or four hours. Goodnight, and Merry Christmas xxx
I feel like I'm joining the little kid club at the momment because it's Christmas morning and I can't get to sleep. But I just can't get to sleep, rather than I can't wait to see what Santa's brought! Christmas was great when you were a kid, now it's just worrying about having no money to buy everyone presents, hating the commercialisation, and then feeling miserable because you ate RIDICULOUS amounts of over priced junk food and you already felt overweight and depressed before devouring enough food to feed two families in the developing world! But on the positive side it makes you realise just how fucking much you love your family, and how much good friends should mean to you.
I'm also having one of those annoying reflection moods at the momment, which always happens when I'm sleep deprived. I was just thinking about just how much my life has changed this year, and how many different things have happened to me that have changed me in some way, be it big or small: I've moved to a completely different part of the country, I've moved out of home (for a huge part of the year anyway), I've had sex with four more people, I've joined a band and recorded with them, I've had one new piercing, I've done my A-levels, I've got into and started at my first choice of university, I've become an official legal adult, I've finally visited London, I've been on protests, I've been in a car crash, I've had a family member die, I've had one family member announce they're having a baby, I've experimented with new substances, I've failed my driving test twice, I've lost friends and made friends, I've met loads of new people, I've spent way too much time in Hereford, and finally I've met someone that I finally feel doesn't use me.
After those reflections, I want to add more about what I feel I'm like now. After listing those things that immediately came to mind, it doesn't really look like much, it's strange how your life can look so small and things look so pointless on paper or in text. But I think that the most significant changes I've made in myself have been in the last three months. I feel that I've become more confident, more independent, and have a better understanding of myself and how I work. I've also learned to say no, and do what I want. I still have a lot of self-sorting to do. I thought I wasn't depressed, then realised I'm actually much worse than I thought I was. I guess the only difference now is that I've gotten alot better at hiding things, or hiding signs, so people don't pick up on them and in a strange kind of way I manage to hide them from myself. It's made me realise that this was never teenage angst.
I really wish that I had the will power to just become a Buddhist or someone who can just discard their material possesions and material beliefs and just be. Someone who doesn't have any anger at anyone or anything. But I'm too easily frustrated and in the words of my parents am too much of an 'angry little girl', and I have lived a material life so would never be able to stop living the lifestyle that I have, coz I'm weak. I get so fucking mad at people. I really do feel disgusted at how ignorant, and horrid humans really are. The whole fuck you as long as it betters me attitude, which I guess to a certain degree is only human, but sometimes people take too far. Arrogance, vanity, ignorance, violence, and closed minds are the main culprits. I know I'm far from perfect but I have way more respect for alot of people than they have for people other than themselves. But then I'm weak myself and can be too absorbed in myself and my problems to be what I should be to the people I care about. I need to get over myself before I can get better. But there's so much more thats in my head than you all know about, and there's so much you never will.
This has turned into a waffle 2001 style post. Uck. I just felt kind of retro so it fitted? It's that time of year we're meant to evaluate ourselves round now to start the new year with well thought out changes. This may look all negative and typical of me (apparantly I'm always negative, but I think it's just that I'm a realist and people misinterpret me more often than understand me.) But anyway I should probably go sleep now, as no doubt my sister will wake up within the next three or four hours. Goodnight, and Merry Christmas xxx