OMG
First a few words.
Im sorry for not posting in good knows how long, 38 weeks perhaps?
Here is the run down...
I got into Graduate School, decided to go to Cal State Bakersfield.
My sig. other of 2 years, told me he needed to figure things out on his own but that he still loved me and one day would like to marry me.
My parents (just my mom) are driving me crazy.
My younger sister moved up to bake and is such a lifesaver.
I paid off two of my credit cards and my sister helped me out with the other, now I owe her some serious cash. I'm seriously thinking about stripping until I can pay her. I can work it and pay her in no time.
I work for a great company but a crappy supervisor. I would like and enjoy my job but my supervisor micro manages me. Ugh
I figured something out today. I've been reacting to people's reactions my entire life. I can't control how others are going to feel or what they're going to say or do. I can only control myself and how I chose to react. Maybe this is the breakthrough toward maturity that I've been looking for. For example, today there was some drama and a big misunderstanding regarding my car payment. Everyone was so quick to jump on me and call me irresponsible and disrespectful, but no one gave me the chance to tell them what had happned. I didn't cry like I usually do, I wanted to tho. I handled the situation and then I cried cause now I'm flat broke. but it's just money i suppose. But the point is, I kept my cool and diffused an unfortunate situation, mostly on my own. I don't feel good that it happend, but I do feel good that I was able to fix it.
I am a little paranoid. I'm house/babysitting my older sister's kids/house. they're old enough to take care of themselves but my sister felt better that someone was here with them. Anyway, before she left she had mentioned that she was going to leave some cash for dinner and any other activities the kids wanted to do. When I got here today she had left a note with directions for chores and in case of emergency. I asked my nephew about the cash and if my sister had left any and he said she did and he had it in his wallet. Then he proceeded to ask why, as if i wanted it. In my mind I freaked out a little bit, I thought " OH shit, he thinks I want the cash. does he think i want it to do what i want with it? does he think I'm a dishonest person?" Shit like this runs though my mind all the fucking time and it gets so tiring. Why am I so paranoid. Does smoking cigarettes make you paranoid? Do they make you overly emotional? Do they impair your judgment like weed does? If so, I need to stop smoking.
i need to keep writing. I need an outlet, but I'm just so damn tired. maybe i'll just go to sleep and tomorrow will be a better day and i can continue to grow as an adult in the knowledge that tomorrow i won't let others reactions to situations dictate how i will react.
Im sorry for not posting in good knows how long, 38 weeks perhaps?
Here is the run down...
I got into Graduate School, decided to go to Cal State Bakersfield.
My sig. other of 2 years, told me he needed to figure things out on his own but that he still loved me and one day would like to marry me.
My parents (just my mom) are driving me crazy.
My younger sister moved up to bake and is such a lifesaver.
I paid off two of my credit cards and my sister helped me out with the other, now I owe her some serious cash. I'm seriously thinking about stripping until I can pay her. I can work it and pay her in no time.
I work for a great company but a crappy supervisor. I would like and enjoy my job but my supervisor micro manages me. Ugh
I figured something out today. I've been reacting to people's reactions my entire life. I can't control how others are going to feel or what they're going to say or do. I can only control myself and how I chose to react. Maybe this is the breakthrough toward maturity that I've been looking for. For example, today there was some drama and a big misunderstanding regarding my car payment. Everyone was so quick to jump on me and call me irresponsible and disrespectful, but no one gave me the chance to tell them what had happned. I didn't cry like I usually do, I wanted to tho. I handled the situation and then I cried cause now I'm flat broke. but it's just money i suppose. But the point is, I kept my cool and diffused an unfortunate situation, mostly on my own. I don't feel good that it happend, but I do feel good that I was able to fix it.
I am a little paranoid. I'm house/babysitting my older sister's kids/house. they're old enough to take care of themselves but my sister felt better that someone was here with them. Anyway, before she left she had mentioned that she was going to leave some cash for dinner and any other activities the kids wanted to do. When I got here today she had left a note with directions for chores and in case of emergency. I asked my nephew about the cash and if my sister had left any and he said she did and he had it in his wallet. Then he proceeded to ask why, as if i wanted it. In my mind I freaked out a little bit, I thought " OH shit, he thinks I want the cash. does he think i want it to do what i want with it? does he think I'm a dishonest person?" Shit like this runs though my mind all the fucking time and it gets so tiring. Why am I so paranoid. Does smoking cigarettes make you paranoid? Do they make you overly emotional? Do they impair your judgment like weed does? If so, I need to stop smoking.
i need to keep writing. I need an outlet, but I'm just so damn tired. maybe i'll just go to sleep and tomorrow will be a better day and i can continue to grow as an adult in the knowledge that tomorrow i won't let others reactions to situations dictate how i will react.