"Said and Done"
Per a request from izhilzha, I'm posting my TS fic "Said and Done." This was originally posted to the Cascade Times mailing list on November 18, 2002.
Said and Done
(A Post-"Dead End on Blank Street" Conversation)
The phone on the other end of the line rang for a third time, but before Jim could change his mind, the call connected and a sleepy voice answered.
"Hello?"
He hesitated as his gut told him this was a mistake. "Carolyn? It's Jim."
"Jim?"
"I didn't wake you, did I?" Yes, this was definitely a bad idea.
"It's two o'clock in the morning. Of course you woke me." Sheets rustled gently. A lamp clicked on.
"Sorry. I'll call back some other time. Go back to sleep. Sorry I woke you."
"No, Jim. I'm awake now. What's up?"
"Nothing. I just . . ." This was why he'd called, wasn't it? Maybe she'd understand. "I just wanted to hear a friendly voice."
"Friendly voice, huh?" she teased quietly. "Well, what about Blair? You'd rather call eight hundred miles to wake your ex-wife than walk to the spare room to wake your roommate?"
"A friendly female voice."
"Oh, well, then I suppose I fit the bill."
Light banter. She wasn't angry, but this was still a mistake. "Look, I'm sorry I woke you up. It's nothing. Really."
"Jimmy, c'mon. It's something. Now give."
The caring in her voice prevented him from hanging up, but how could he tell her what he really wanted to say? After an awkward pause, he settled for small talk. "How are things?"
"Oh, same old, same old. You know how it goes. Murder and mayhem. Bodies in the bay. Talk to Wendy once a week."
"How is Wendy?"
"She's fine. She broke off her latest engagement again. And no smart remarks from the peanut gallery, okay?"
A soft smile touched his lips. "Okay. No smart remarks."
"Other than that, not much. Why?"
"I miss you." There. He'd said it.
"What?"
"I miss you. I miss how your hair shines like silk in the moonlight. I miss your soft, satiny skin against me. I miss how your kisses taste like wine after we've spent a night in front of the fireplace. I miss the smell of your perfume. I miss how you slip the straps off your shoulders while I'm watching from bed, and hearing you--"
"Jim, you are not paying long distance just to make an obscene phone call."
"It's not obscene if you're calling your wife."
"Ex-wife."
And there was the reality of it. "I know. Sorry."
"James Ellison. Are you drunk?"
Yes, that would explain things, wouldn't it? "No, Carolyn Plummer, I am not drunk."
"Jim, you're starting to worry me. What's wrong?"
He sighed heavily. Maybe sitting in the dark, with the closest thing he'd had to a successful relationship on the other end of the line, he could talk about it. "I ran into Veronica Archer recently."
"Veronica Archer?"
"An old flame from my service days."
Carolyn gasped softly and the tone in her voice feigned surprise. "And I thought I was your first."
He could almost see her wry smile, the teasing in her eyes, and he chuckled. "You think you were the first to succumb to the Ellison charm?"
Carolyn laughed quietly in response. "I had a hunch I wasn't." Then her tone softened. "So what's the story with Veronica?"
"She ditched me for one of my army buddies. Found out they got married." That's it. Keep it simple.
"Well, I can't say I'm sorry. It gave me an opportunity for some very good times with you."
"Thanks. I needed to hear that." She had no idea how much he needed to hear that.
"Why do I feel like I'm not hearing the whole story?"
Okay, simple wasn't working. "Because it's a long story. After the car bomb that supposedly kill her husband, we started seeing each other again."
"'Supposedly killed'?"
"She tried to frame me for insurance fraud and murder."
"Oh, Jimmy. I'm so sorry." And he knew she was, that she was genuinely concerned. He could almost feel her palm against his cheek, her warm arms slipping under his and wrapping around him as she laid her head on his broad shoulder.
"Sandburg tried to warn me. She died in my arms after a shootout."
"Jim, did you . . ."
"No, I wasn't the one who shot her." Yes, in her own way, Carolyn understood.
"Thank God."
"Yeah."
Carolyn waited patiently through his silence. When had she developed patience?
"What happened to us, Carolyn?"
"We just drifted apart, that's all. It happens."
No, it was more than that. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you after the baby--"
"Jim, it's all right."
"I should have been there for you."
"You did the best you could."
"Did I?"
"Work was an easy escape for both of us. It was as much my fault as it was yours."
"It wasn't your fault."
"Jim, I forgive you. I forgave you a long time ago."
"Thanks." But he couldn't seem to forgive himself.
"Now you need to forgive yourself."
First patience and now mind reading. When did this happen? "I've got a couple days' vacation coming to me. I could come down and see you."
"No, Jim. I don't think that's a good idea." Of course it wasn't. "I came down here to start over. Things are good. I've moved on, and so have you. You're hurting right now. And as much as . . . as much as I love you, Jim, I don't think I can handle being a rebound romance."
Again he sighed. "Okay. You're right." They were friends now, nothing more.
"Are you going to be all right?"
"Yeah. I'll be fine."
"Jim, I meant what I said. I do love you."
"Yeah, thanks."
"You sound tired. Why don't you go to bed, get some sleep."
"Yeah, that's a good idea. I think I will."
"I'll call you this weekend. We'll talk then."
"Sure."
"Okay, then."
"Carolyn, I . . . I love you, too. I always did. I'm sorry I didn't say it more often." She'd never know how sorry.
He could hear the melancholy in her voice. "Good night, Jim."
"Good night, Carolyn."
********
Jim let his hand rest on the phone's receiver. No, the phone call would not be a good idea right now. Maybe he'd call her this weekend.
After he'd buried the pain.
~~finis~~
Said and Done
(A Post-"Dead End on Blank Street" Conversation)
The phone on the other end of the line rang for a third time, but before Jim could change his mind, the call connected and a sleepy voice answered.
"Hello?"
He hesitated as his gut told him this was a mistake. "Carolyn? It's Jim."
"Jim?"
"I didn't wake you, did I?" Yes, this was definitely a bad idea.
"It's two o'clock in the morning. Of course you woke me." Sheets rustled gently. A lamp clicked on.
"Sorry. I'll call back some other time. Go back to sleep. Sorry I woke you."
"No, Jim. I'm awake now. What's up?"
"Nothing. I just . . ." This was why he'd called, wasn't it? Maybe she'd understand. "I just wanted to hear a friendly voice."
"Friendly voice, huh?" she teased quietly. "Well, what about Blair? You'd rather call eight hundred miles to wake your ex-wife than walk to the spare room to wake your roommate?"
"A friendly female voice."
"Oh, well, then I suppose I fit the bill."
Light banter. She wasn't angry, but this was still a mistake. "Look, I'm sorry I woke you up. It's nothing. Really."
"Jimmy, c'mon. It's something. Now give."
The caring in her voice prevented him from hanging up, but how could he tell her what he really wanted to say? After an awkward pause, he settled for small talk. "How are things?"
"Oh, same old, same old. You know how it goes. Murder and mayhem. Bodies in the bay. Talk to Wendy once a week."
"How is Wendy?"
"She's fine. She broke off her latest engagement again. And no smart remarks from the peanut gallery, okay?"
A soft smile touched his lips. "Okay. No smart remarks."
"Other than that, not much. Why?"
"I miss you." There. He'd said it.
"What?"
"I miss you. I miss how your hair shines like silk in the moonlight. I miss your soft, satiny skin against me. I miss how your kisses taste like wine after we've spent a night in front of the fireplace. I miss the smell of your perfume. I miss how you slip the straps off your shoulders while I'm watching from bed, and hearing you--"
"Jim, you are not paying long distance just to make an obscene phone call."
"It's not obscene if you're calling your wife."
"Ex-wife."
And there was the reality of it. "I know. Sorry."
"James Ellison. Are you drunk?"
Yes, that would explain things, wouldn't it? "No, Carolyn Plummer, I am not drunk."
"Jim, you're starting to worry me. What's wrong?"
He sighed heavily. Maybe sitting in the dark, with the closest thing he'd had to a successful relationship on the other end of the line, he could talk about it. "I ran into Veronica Archer recently."
"Veronica Archer?"
"An old flame from my service days."
Carolyn gasped softly and the tone in her voice feigned surprise. "And I thought I was your first."
He could almost see her wry smile, the teasing in her eyes, and he chuckled. "You think you were the first to succumb to the Ellison charm?"
Carolyn laughed quietly in response. "I had a hunch I wasn't." Then her tone softened. "So what's the story with Veronica?"
"She ditched me for one of my army buddies. Found out they got married." That's it. Keep it simple.
"Well, I can't say I'm sorry. It gave me an opportunity for some very good times with you."
"Thanks. I needed to hear that." She had no idea how much he needed to hear that.
"Why do I feel like I'm not hearing the whole story?"
Okay, simple wasn't working. "Because it's a long story. After the car bomb that supposedly kill her husband, we started seeing each other again."
"'Supposedly killed'?"
"She tried to frame me for insurance fraud and murder."
"Oh, Jimmy. I'm so sorry." And he knew she was, that she was genuinely concerned. He could almost feel her palm against his cheek, her warm arms slipping under his and wrapping around him as she laid her head on his broad shoulder.
"Sandburg tried to warn me. She died in my arms after a shootout."
"Jim, did you . . ."
"No, I wasn't the one who shot her." Yes, in her own way, Carolyn understood.
"Thank God."
"Yeah."
Carolyn waited patiently through his silence. When had she developed patience?
"What happened to us, Carolyn?"
"We just drifted apart, that's all. It happens."
No, it was more than that. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you after the baby--"
"Jim, it's all right."
"I should have been there for you."
"You did the best you could."
"Did I?"
"Work was an easy escape for both of us. It was as much my fault as it was yours."
"It wasn't your fault."
"Jim, I forgive you. I forgave you a long time ago."
"Thanks." But he couldn't seem to forgive himself.
"Now you need to forgive yourself."
First patience and now mind reading. When did this happen? "I've got a couple days' vacation coming to me. I could come down and see you."
"No, Jim. I don't think that's a good idea." Of course it wasn't. "I came down here to start over. Things are good. I've moved on, and so have you. You're hurting right now. And as much as . . . as much as I love you, Jim, I don't think I can handle being a rebound romance."
Again he sighed. "Okay. You're right." They were friends now, nothing more.
"Are you going to be all right?"
"Yeah. I'll be fine."
"Jim, I meant what I said. I do love you."
"Yeah, thanks."
"You sound tired. Why don't you go to bed, get some sleep."
"Yeah, that's a good idea. I think I will."
"I'll call you this weekend. We'll talk then."
"Sure."
"Okay, then."
"Carolyn, I . . . I love you, too. I always did. I'm sorry I didn't say it more often." She'd never know how sorry.
He could hear the melancholy in her voice. "Good night, Jim."
"Good night, Carolyn."
********
Jim let his hand rest on the phone's receiver. No, the phone call would not be a good idea right now. Maybe he'd call her this weekend.
After he'd buried the pain.
~~finis~~