(no subject)
So yeah, haven't done this in a long time. Alot of things have happened. Monique disappeared to camp for the summer again, and she was here for the weekend with her friend. I miss her, she is like the only one that really understands me. She makes me happy to know I have a friend like her. I love all of my friends, don't get me wrong. Just I used to hang out with her alot, so it's just hard not to see her all the time.
I've made alot of stupid decisions lately, not really thinking about how others would react. I've been holding in my emotions and not really telling anyone how I really feel. I lie and tell them things to reassure them that I'm okay, even though I'm really not. I get walked all over, which is my fault obviously but I can't help it that I'd rather be sad and miserable then have the guilt on my shoulders that I ruined things for any of my friends. It's just so hard to be happy, because if I'm happy someone else is miserable. Trying to impress everyone isn't everything, and I gave up on that a long time ago. I just say fuck it, I'd rather just be me and if they don't like it then I don't care.
I'm sick of the tension I get between me and other people. I tried resolving an old problem last week. It kind of worked, because it made me feel better after I talked to the person about everything, but now it kind of just seems like I fixed things, but things aren't going as good as I thought they would be. I think I'm just on a wild goose chase, they have the upper hand and sometimes I want them to just take advantage over the fact that they have so much power over me, but at the same time I don't because I'd be making a huge mistake at the same time. I mean either way I'm screwed(literally).
I've made alot of stupid decisions lately, not really thinking about how others would react. I've been holding in my emotions and not really telling anyone how I really feel. I lie and tell them things to reassure them that I'm okay, even though I'm really not. I get walked all over, which is my fault obviously but I can't help it that I'd rather be sad and miserable then have the guilt on my shoulders that I ruined things for any of my friends. It's just so hard to be happy, because if I'm happy someone else is miserable. Trying to impress everyone isn't everything, and I gave up on that a long time ago. I just say fuck it, I'd rather just be me and if they don't like it then I don't care.
I'm sick of the tension I get between me and other people. I tried resolving an old problem last week. It kind of worked, because it made me feel better after I talked to the person about everything, but now it kind of just seems like I fixed things, but things aren't going as good as I thought they would be. I think I'm just on a wild goose chase, they have the upper hand and sometimes I want them to just take advantage over the fact that they have so much power over me, but at the same time I don't because I'd be making a huge mistake at the same time. I mean either way I'm screwed(literally).