Turning twenty
I kinda wanted to make another one of these, though I'm sure I won't achieve the same degree of nostalgia and creativity as last time, it's still fun. So...
Two (and a half) hours to my birthday.
I'm turning twenty. That's the fucked up part of this one. Before I can even begin to reflect on my last year and where I am now, I have to get over the idea of this HUGE FUCKING NUMBER. I will no longer be a teenager, i.e. a kid. You know, I still do not think of myself as an adult. I pretend to be one - I pay "adult" prices, buy alcohol, and even pay taxes, and I always try to act like I know what I'm talking about. But... man, I don't know why, but in my head the turning of twenty has always been a rather big event growing up. Maybe this is partly due to my number-centric upbringing brought on my early influence by my father, but I just always saw 20 as being the REAL event where you become an adult.
Alright, so... I'm an adult now. And then what? It's weird, I spent most of my life looking forward to this moment... All the things you wanted to do when you "grew up": get your dream job happening, have your house, your family, all your cool shit... Or growing up also meant eating junk food for breakfast just because you could, and driving cars, and having your own liquor cabinet, and inviting women back to your pad, and growing your own marijuana. But none of these are instantaneous... they need something....
And maybe this is why I don't feel like an adult yet. I don't think I yet understand the concept of "hard work" in order to achieve something. Wait, that's not quite true... I can, but I only for short spans of time. Or rather, I have only yet reaped the benefits of short-term projects in life. There are certainly some things that I am working on now, for long-term results... Like my growth as a musician. I may feel that I have had a month (or two years) of musical stagnation, but all this is over a long period of time and in a way the rewards just come gradually, like my HK gig. (RIP) Or... my RRSP contributions. That's right, fellas, I opened an RRSP just before I left the country and have been contributing $25 a month. That seems like money down the drain now, but I'll have... what is it... something like $90,000 (or probably something nothing like that because I'm high and can't remember shit,) by the time I retire. That's awesome. I can buy a nice car with that money! ... Yup, not an adult yet.
Alright, so let's get down to business.... What the fuck have I accomplished this year?
I guess one thing is the birth of my own trio, which has had only a few gigs, and even fewer fans, but then... baby steps, right? If fortune decides to shine on me, then my album will be finished and released by the end of 2006. Then I send off packages to the jazz festivals, get main stage in Ottawa in 2007, and then spend 2007-2008 chilling in Toronto and growing on my shit, and then maybe by then some grander options will open up. But anyways, have faith in me on this album project. I have been talking about it for like four years now, but it has to happen. I just got to make it happen.
What else went down this year... School was just a somewhat less dramatic duplicate of my first year. The exact same academic, emotional, and even relationship tendencies played out, just in different ways. Even in the fact that I got two seemingly dream-summer jobs that each had their share of disappointments. Another sorta big event for me I guess was the whole Reuben Cherry thing... fiasco... That album that I spent hours and hours working on in March and April will never see the light of day. What I've learned from that I guess is that I can't just join a band and hope for the success to come - I got to go do it my own way.
Shiit.... 20.... There is so much I want to learn and do.... But can I say that I'm satisfied with what I have learnt and done in my first 19 (my first 20) years? ... I guess so. I can't think of anything I'd really want different. If I try to look from the outside I guess I'm everything like the 20-year-old I wanted to be. It totally still feels weird though.
I'm reminded now of how when I was way younger, like... i dunno, 6 or something... it would take me like half a year to remember that I had grown a year, and to adjust my answer to the ol' "how old are you" question. I guess this is a little similar, I just need to adjust myself.
I wonder if I will ever truly remember what the past was like... Memories of my life in Ottawa, at my different schools, and even memories from my year in residence... they're all so faded in a way. I can never conjure to consciousness the actual *feeling* of being there. Yes the sights, and the sounds, but not the... I dunno, the thing about being there. Sometimes though that thing suddenly comes washing back for an instant, but by the time I am able to place it it's gone. One example is somehow associated with the first six months or so that we had the imac, and I finally had the internet for the first time, and so I'd stay up late into the night downloading shareware and games and MP3s and shit. I was 12 at the time. My bedroom was still in the basement then... I didn't move into a real bedroom upstairs until the year that James moved all his shit out. That was somewhere around grade 9. But anyways, sometimes I get this weird feeling that I'm back there, in my dark basement room, with only the light from the monitor, but as soon as I can place a visual the feeling is gone. This kind of things happens all the time, and I can never ever recreate it willingly.
As I write this, I'm listening to a playlist of the top 100 most played songs over the past year. Topping the list is "Prototype" from The Love Below. Next is a tie between Doomsday by MF Doom and If You Want Me To Stay, as recorded by the Chili Peppers way back in '85. Man, I fucking love listening to music.
Alright, I'm done now. My wrist kinda hurts, and I'm not really sure what else I could be saying now.
God damn, I'm 20. Two-zero. Man, life is a funny thing. It'll be cool when I figure it all out.
Two (and a half) hours to my birthday.
I'm turning twenty. That's the fucked up part of this one. Before I can even begin to reflect on my last year and where I am now, I have to get over the idea of this HUGE FUCKING NUMBER. I will no longer be a teenager, i.e. a kid. You know, I still do not think of myself as an adult. I pretend to be one - I pay "adult" prices, buy alcohol, and even pay taxes, and I always try to act like I know what I'm talking about. But... man, I don't know why, but in my head the turning of twenty has always been a rather big event growing up. Maybe this is partly due to my number-centric upbringing brought on my early influence by my father, but I just always saw 20 as being the REAL event where you become an adult.
Alright, so... I'm an adult now. And then what? It's weird, I spent most of my life looking forward to this moment... All the things you wanted to do when you "grew up": get your dream job happening, have your house, your family, all your cool shit... Or growing up also meant eating junk food for breakfast just because you could, and driving cars, and having your own liquor cabinet, and inviting women back to your pad, and growing your own marijuana. But none of these are instantaneous... they need something....
And maybe this is why I don't feel like an adult yet. I don't think I yet understand the concept of "hard work" in order to achieve something. Wait, that's not quite true... I can, but I only for short spans of time. Or rather, I have only yet reaped the benefits of short-term projects in life. There are certainly some things that I am working on now, for long-term results... Like my growth as a musician. I may feel that I have had a month (or two years) of musical stagnation, but all this is over a long period of time and in a way the rewards just come gradually, like my HK gig. (RIP) Or... my RRSP contributions. That's right, fellas, I opened an RRSP just before I left the country and have been contributing $25 a month. That seems like money down the drain now, but I'll have... what is it... something like $90,000 (or probably something nothing like that because I'm high and can't remember shit,) by the time I retire. That's awesome. I can buy a nice car with that money! ... Yup, not an adult yet.
Alright, so let's get down to business.... What the fuck have I accomplished this year?
I guess one thing is the birth of my own trio, which has had only a few gigs, and even fewer fans, but then... baby steps, right? If fortune decides to shine on me, then my album will be finished and released by the end of 2006. Then I send off packages to the jazz festivals, get main stage in Ottawa in 2007, and then spend 2007-2008 chilling in Toronto and growing on my shit, and then maybe by then some grander options will open up. But anyways, have faith in me on this album project. I have been talking about it for like four years now, but it has to happen. I just got to make it happen.
What else went down this year... School was just a somewhat less dramatic duplicate of my first year. The exact same academic, emotional, and even relationship tendencies played out, just in different ways. Even in the fact that I got two seemingly dream-summer jobs that each had their share of disappointments. Another sorta big event for me I guess was the whole Reuben Cherry thing... fiasco... That album that I spent hours and hours working on in March and April will never see the light of day. What I've learned from that I guess is that I can't just join a band and hope for the success to come - I got to go do it my own way.
Shiit.... 20.... There is so much I want to learn and do.... But can I say that I'm satisfied with what I have learnt and done in my first 19 (my first 20) years? ... I guess so. I can't think of anything I'd really want different. If I try to look from the outside I guess I'm everything like the 20-year-old I wanted to be. It totally still feels weird though.
I'm reminded now of how when I was way younger, like... i dunno, 6 or something... it would take me like half a year to remember that I had grown a year, and to adjust my answer to the ol' "how old are you" question. I guess this is a little similar, I just need to adjust myself.
I wonder if I will ever truly remember what the past was like... Memories of my life in Ottawa, at my different schools, and even memories from my year in residence... they're all so faded in a way. I can never conjure to consciousness the actual *feeling* of being there. Yes the sights, and the sounds, but not the... I dunno, the thing about being there. Sometimes though that thing suddenly comes washing back for an instant, but by the time I am able to place it it's gone. One example is somehow associated with the first six months or so that we had the imac, and I finally had the internet for the first time, and so I'd stay up late into the night downloading shareware and games and MP3s and shit. I was 12 at the time. My bedroom was still in the basement then... I didn't move into a real bedroom upstairs until the year that James moved all his shit out. That was somewhere around grade 9. But anyways, sometimes I get this weird feeling that I'm back there, in my dark basement room, with only the light from the monitor, but as soon as I can place a visual the feeling is gone. This kind of things happens all the time, and I can never ever recreate it willingly.
As I write this, I'm listening to a playlist of the top 100 most played songs over the past year. Topping the list is "Prototype" from The Love Below. Next is a tie between Doomsday by MF Doom and If You Want Me To Stay, as recorded by the Chili Peppers way back in '85. Man, I fucking love listening to music.
Alright, I'm done now. My wrist kinda hurts, and I'm not really sure what else I could be saying now.
God damn, I'm 20. Two-zero. Man, life is a funny thing. It'll be cool when I figure it all out.