I will always miss you
I remember a long time ago when I was 6 years old and you were almost 5. How many summer holidays spent together, laughing in the back yard and sitting in that very tiny baby pool waiting for someone to take us to the beach, screaming just to bother ours brothers and crying for real when they ran after us to have their revenge.
Although you had your brothers and I had mine, growing up with you was the most natural thing to me, not to mention that we were absolutely positive to talk to each other about everything we were experiencing or whatever life had planned for us.
And when the time for the first kiss and first crush came you were the only one I want to tell, and when I shown up at your house with my eyes full of tears and my heart ripped in so many pieces you did not say a word while your parents kept asking me if I was OK, and I still remember the scene so well, you still in silence just opened your arms where I desperately needed to land to. That was the moment I knew I would have you for the rest of my life. I was so naive.
I died a little inside the day your mom proudly told me you decided, just like your two older brothers, to join the army cause you always wanted help people, be part of something good, be there ready and fearless on the line in a foreign Country which did not give a fucking shit about any of you, young men and somehow still kids, so faraway from home with not a clue about life yet.
So your mom clearly excited, left me there and I was shocked I couldn't think straight and the last thing I remember I was running away from your house and your voice behind me calling my name was increasingly distant. The more I run the more I wanted to forget every single word you told me during our childhood: "...I can’t stand the possibility to hurt you, and that’s the reason I’ll say the truth. You always will have the truth from me, no matter how hard and cruel it would be... I promise you I’ll never leave you". But you lied to me. Regardless my stupid heart, you lied to me even if you were aware the way I always felt about lies, the way my mother always lied to me. How could you lie to me? How long did you plan to join the army? Would you ever have said to me you want to leave? I hated you so much that night.
When you came back home,two months later, things were pretty awkward between us, but it took just a smile to let me fall in your hug which I missed the most. We went in the back yard to catch up, and talked all night long like old times when I had a secret to tell you. I told you about this guy I was dating who started asking me for more but I was not ready yet to do it. Then you caressed me and said that I was a delicate and passionate soul and was lucky the guy who would have seen that side of me otherwise I was not for sale. I loved you so much that night.
Then you told me with sad eyes that you started to feel that becoming a doctor was no longer enough for you, that you wanted to be where people were fighting for their own survival and maybe try to be a real help for them so you would have caught the call of the army anytime you could.
Your only fear was to loose me for good but I smiled to you because I knew this world was lucky to have you.
That night I made you promised me that you always would have came back to me and I did not care less about anything or anyone as long as you stayed safe. You kept your promise: every time you left you always came back. I was so proud of you.
Now I know that to die it’s not necessary to go to war and be so far from home. It just takes a shitty rainy day. It was not even dark outside when you were in your car on your way to home at 5 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.
The only thing left to me is a dream I had the night you died, one of those dream hardly will be remembered the morning after still I woke up at 4 a.m. with a hand on my mouth and breath hold screaming your name. In the afternoon your mom called to drop the news. It was pouring outside, over 20 days without a damned break just like the day you’re gone with the only difference that was the day I would never have see you again.
Days are tough to pass by without you and strong is the guilt I constantly feel inside for every moment I wasted to stay mad at you and far from you. Nothing makes any sense to me right now and I wonder if it ever will.
I love you so much and I’ll be waiting for the day I’ll see you again.
Although you had your brothers and I had mine, growing up with you was the most natural thing to me, not to mention that we were absolutely positive to talk to each other about everything we were experiencing or whatever life had planned for us.
And when the time for the first kiss and first crush came you were the only one I want to tell, and when I shown up at your house with my eyes full of tears and my heart ripped in so many pieces you did not say a word while your parents kept asking me if I was OK, and I still remember the scene so well, you still in silence just opened your arms where I desperately needed to land to. That was the moment I knew I would have you for the rest of my life. I was so naive.
I died a little inside the day your mom proudly told me you decided, just like your two older brothers, to join the army cause you always wanted help people, be part of something good, be there ready and fearless on the line in a foreign Country which did not give a fucking shit about any of you, young men and somehow still kids, so faraway from home with not a clue about life yet.
So your mom clearly excited, left me there and I was shocked I couldn't think straight and the last thing I remember I was running away from your house and your voice behind me calling my name was increasingly distant. The more I run the more I wanted to forget every single word you told me during our childhood: "...I can’t stand the possibility to hurt you, and that’s the reason I’ll say the truth. You always will have the truth from me, no matter how hard and cruel it would be... I promise you I’ll never leave you". But you lied to me. Regardless my stupid heart, you lied to me even if you were aware the way I always felt about lies, the way my mother always lied to me. How could you lie to me? How long did you plan to join the army? Would you ever have said to me you want to leave? I hated you so much that night.
When you came back home,two months later, things were pretty awkward between us, but it took just a smile to let me fall in your hug which I missed the most. We went in the back yard to catch up, and talked all night long like old times when I had a secret to tell you. I told you about this guy I was dating who started asking me for more but I was not ready yet to do it. Then you caressed me and said that I was a delicate and passionate soul and was lucky the guy who would have seen that side of me otherwise I was not for sale. I loved you so much that night.
Then you told me with sad eyes that you started to feel that becoming a doctor was no longer enough for you, that you wanted to be where people were fighting for their own survival and maybe try to be a real help for them so you would have caught the call of the army anytime you could.
Your only fear was to loose me for good but I smiled to you because I knew this world was lucky to have you.
That night I made you promised me that you always would have came back to me and I did not care less about anything or anyone as long as you stayed safe. You kept your promise: every time you left you always came back. I was so proud of you.
Now I know that to die it’s not necessary to go to war and be so far from home. It just takes a shitty rainy day. It was not even dark outside when you were in your car on your way to home at 5 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.
The only thing left to me is a dream I had the night you died, one of those dream hardly will be remembered the morning after still I woke up at 4 a.m. with a hand on my mouth and breath hold screaming your name. In the afternoon your mom called to drop the news. It was pouring outside, over 20 days without a damned break just like the day you’re gone with the only difference that was the day I would never have see you again.
Days are tough to pass by without you and strong is the guilt I constantly feel inside for every moment I wasted to stay mad at you and far from you. Nothing makes any sense to me right now and I wonder if it ever will.
I love you so much and I’ll be waiting for the day I’ll see you again.