(no subject)
intimidation is my biggest adversary. i'm trying to learn to let go. i'm trying to learn to be expressive. i have this way of keeping everything inside. everything. it only makes my life that much harder, in every aspect; school, family, friends, love. being vulnerable may be the scariest thing i can imagine. i'm having a serious identity crisis right now.
but long walks, front stoops, coffee and good conversation help. i can only think of two people who i have actually allowed to see me genuinely. one of whom i live with, which is promising, and the other who lives much too far away, and i only get the opportunity to converse with maybe once a month. i want to open up more, but i'm a coward. so the past few nights that has been the topic of conversation... i think the last two years i've been avoiding myself, and now suddenly i have this liberation and clear slate and i can be me again, but it scary. i kind of forgot who i was. i've been holding back and hiding things for so long, that i don't know how to let loose.
but it's good to know my friends are happy for me.
like really happy for me.
it makes me feel a lot better about.. everything.
i just need to get my shit together asap. because i'm slipping and my goal is to get above a 3.5 again this semester. i need that.
i miss clear skies, laying on car hoods, and shooting stars. i need that one more time before the cold air sets in for the winter. i wish i could take summer nights at camp ernst with me everywhere i went...
i think i might be a little bit homesick? weird..
but long walks, front stoops, coffee and good conversation help. i can only think of two people who i have actually allowed to see me genuinely. one of whom i live with, which is promising, and the other who lives much too far away, and i only get the opportunity to converse with maybe once a month. i want to open up more, but i'm a coward. so the past few nights that has been the topic of conversation... i think the last two years i've been avoiding myself, and now suddenly i have this liberation and clear slate and i can be me again, but it scary. i kind of forgot who i was. i've been holding back and hiding things for so long, that i don't know how to let loose.
but it's good to know my friends are happy for me.
like really happy for me.
it makes me feel a lot better about.. everything.
i just need to get my shit together asap. because i'm slipping and my goal is to get above a 3.5 again this semester. i need that.
i miss clear skies, laying on car hoods, and shooting stars. i need that one more time before the cold air sets in for the winter. i wish i could take summer nights at camp ernst with me everywhere i went...
i think i might be a little bit homesick? weird..