better start living like you're gonna die, because you are.
i have been indifferent towards everything lately. i went to two funerals today.
i think i may have said three or four words all day. i have also been thinking alot lately and today did not help. i started reading man's search for meaning to kill time on the drive to san gabriel/montebello. i think ive mentioned it before, but it is worth repeating; dont ever go to montebello or san gabriel. it sucks. to begin the day, i woke to the screaming of my eternally discordant parents. i was hoping i could sleep in since i was missing school, but rather than sleep i corrected my brother's math homework at 7 in the morning. at first i was pissed and had a headache, but math always cheers me up because it makes sense. i hate sleeping once the sun is up because it makes me feel like a bum, so i walked the dog and had breakfast. after showering and getting in my funeral garb my mom, my dad, and i piled in the car for the drive to resurrection catholic cemetery. at first i was slightly excited, i've developed a slight affectation for long drives. i never have time to just listen to music and read. at first i was trying to listen to the beatles, but after about twenty minuets of continous screaming i realized that happy music wasnt going to cut it.(by the way my dad has been employed for about 6 year of my parents 30 year marriage and he's pretty much been an asshole to my mother for that entire time. at times i feel sorry for him, but im getting pretty sick of it. plus, the only reason i care for him is the pure sake that he is my dad-i've realized that he pretty must feel the same way about me because his actions do not reflect those of a man that cares about his family. if you've ever read death of a salesman, my dad pretty much IS will loman, and i feel like and asshole for saying that...but why?). for the remainder of the trip i listened to the rotten sound as looud as i could and read my book to get rid of the knot in my stomach. (the arguing doesnt bother me as much as the ancipation of the arguing leading to a crash - hence the knot). when we got to cemetary number one my mother mentioned that she'd never met the preist before, nor had he my dead aunt. before the service i saw him wearing a members only jacket with a polo shirt. as soon as he saw the three of us - the only atendees of the service - he grabbed a robe out of his trecel, threw it on and grabbed a peice of pvc pipe. this is where i learned my first lesson of the day; the older you get, the less people will feel obligated to show up to your funeral. outliving people isnt all it's cracked up to be, especially when everyone you care about dies before you do... why do people want live to be old-it's like life is a novelty. the preist kissed my mom and said 'thanks for coming out, martha.' she replid by saying 'no, thank you father.' i hate fake people. but suprisingly enough i kind of liked this guy. i leaned over his shoulder during the service to look into his book. it had little blanks with post it notes of my aunts name in them. my mother always says she cant understand how people get through life without god, and you know, i guess she's right. what would the majority of people if life want as simple as filling in the blanks. but where did this book come from? a publisher, not god. i want to know who wrote those fucking sentences, who is he to say that god blessed _______ and _______ will rest eternally? what a dick. but you know what, i'm glad those blanks are there. because it keeps people from wasting their lives reading books and overthinking everything like i tend to do. after this funeral we went to visit my uncle who is now 94. he couldnt attend funeral #1 because he isnt coherent enough to understand that his wife of 70 years is dead. its sad really, he's one of my favorite relatives. but i had an interesting thought while i ws at the rest home. he keeps claiming that he talks to dead relatives (including his wife), and everyone plays along with it to keep him comfotable. everyone thinks he's insane, but i dont think he's as insane as everyone thinks. and i'll tell you why...there was a study where people were attached to monitors to see which areas of the brain is used when we see things. the patients were then asked to close their eyes and imagine what they just saw, and a remarkable thing happened; the same areas of their brain lit up as did when they saw the objects - meaning that what exists in our mind is as 'real' or even more real than what exists. we make our own realities independently. obviosly he isnt all there, but he made me realize the importance of that study. what does it matter what is real and what isnt, his reality makes him happy and really to him his wife has never died. she lives eternally, in him. after that and after more yelling was followed by more driving and we arrived at funeral #2 (which was really a wake). this was much more fake than the previous funeral. where i discovered what frankl refers to as the delusion of reprive. no one thinks they are going to die. which lead me to wonder what how people would live if they didnt think that they'd be saved. it also lead me to think if where this silly delusion originates from, and i think ive found part of or one of the answers: when you die your mind enters a lucid trance (much like a dream) and keeps dreaming for a few minuets after you're dead. and this gives us hope? enough people have cheated death, enough people that firmly belive in after life, have been revived to spread the good word. but really, once again, does this matter. to our minds this is reality...remember the study i mentioned.
but what do we have without such delusions...
"we knew we had nothing to lose except our so ridiculously naked lives"
ive been trying to seek other options, but today i kept coming aacross the same conclusion over and over again, life is pretty meaningless. but i hope theres more to it than that. and i really hope that when it comes down to it it isnt; what a delusion.
life, ugh.
i think i may have said three or four words all day. i have also been thinking alot lately and today did not help. i started reading man's search for meaning to kill time on the drive to san gabriel/montebello. i think ive mentioned it before, but it is worth repeating; dont ever go to montebello or san gabriel. it sucks. to begin the day, i woke to the screaming of my eternally discordant parents. i was hoping i could sleep in since i was missing school, but rather than sleep i corrected my brother's math homework at 7 in the morning. at first i was pissed and had a headache, but math always cheers me up because it makes sense. i hate sleeping once the sun is up because it makes me feel like a bum, so i walked the dog and had breakfast. after showering and getting in my funeral garb my mom, my dad, and i piled in the car for the drive to resurrection catholic cemetery. at first i was slightly excited, i've developed a slight affectation for long drives. i never have time to just listen to music and read. at first i was trying to listen to the beatles, but after about twenty minuets of continous screaming i realized that happy music wasnt going to cut it.(by the way my dad has been employed for about 6 year of my parents 30 year marriage and he's pretty much been an asshole to my mother for that entire time. at times i feel sorry for him, but im getting pretty sick of it. plus, the only reason i care for him is the pure sake that he is my dad-i've realized that he pretty must feel the same way about me because his actions do not reflect those of a man that cares about his family. if you've ever read death of a salesman, my dad pretty much IS will loman, and i feel like and asshole for saying that...but why?). for the remainder of the trip i listened to the rotten sound as looud as i could and read my book to get rid of the knot in my stomach. (the arguing doesnt bother me as much as the ancipation of the arguing leading to a crash - hence the knot). when we got to cemetary number one my mother mentioned that she'd never met the preist before, nor had he my dead aunt. before the service i saw him wearing a members only jacket with a polo shirt. as soon as he saw the three of us - the only atendees of the service - he grabbed a robe out of his trecel, threw it on and grabbed a peice of pvc pipe. this is where i learned my first lesson of the day; the older you get, the less people will feel obligated to show up to your funeral. outliving people isnt all it's cracked up to be, especially when everyone you care about dies before you do... why do people want live to be old-it's like life is a novelty. the preist kissed my mom and said 'thanks for coming out, martha.' she replid by saying 'no, thank you father.' i hate fake people. but suprisingly enough i kind of liked this guy. i leaned over his shoulder during the service to look into his book. it had little blanks with post it notes of my aunts name in them. my mother always says she cant understand how people get through life without god, and you know, i guess she's right. what would the majority of people if life want as simple as filling in the blanks. but where did this book come from? a publisher, not god. i want to know who wrote those fucking sentences, who is he to say that god blessed _______ and _______ will rest eternally? what a dick. but you know what, i'm glad those blanks are there. because it keeps people from wasting their lives reading books and overthinking everything like i tend to do. after this funeral we went to visit my uncle who is now 94. he couldnt attend funeral #1 because he isnt coherent enough to understand that his wife of 70 years is dead. its sad really, he's one of my favorite relatives. but i had an interesting thought while i ws at the rest home. he keeps claiming that he talks to dead relatives (including his wife), and everyone plays along with it to keep him comfotable. everyone thinks he's insane, but i dont think he's as insane as everyone thinks. and i'll tell you why...there was a study where people were attached to monitors to see which areas of the brain is used when we see things. the patients were then asked to close their eyes and imagine what they just saw, and a remarkable thing happened; the same areas of their brain lit up as did when they saw the objects - meaning that what exists in our mind is as 'real' or even more real than what exists. we make our own realities independently. obviosly he isnt all there, but he made me realize the importance of that study. what does it matter what is real and what isnt, his reality makes him happy and really to him his wife has never died. she lives eternally, in him. after that and after more yelling was followed by more driving and we arrived at funeral #2 (which was really a wake). this was much more fake than the previous funeral. where i discovered what frankl refers to as the delusion of reprive. no one thinks they are going to die. which lead me to wonder what how people would live if they didnt think that they'd be saved. it also lead me to think if where this silly delusion originates from, and i think ive found part of or one of the answers: when you die your mind enters a lucid trance (much like a dream) and keeps dreaming for a few minuets after you're dead. and this gives us hope? enough people have cheated death, enough people that firmly belive in after life, have been revived to spread the good word. but really, once again, does this matter. to our minds this is reality...remember the study i mentioned.
but what do we have without such delusions...
"we knew we had nothing to lose except our so ridiculously naked lives"
ive been trying to seek other options, but today i kept coming aacross the same conclusion over and over again, life is pretty meaningless. but i hope theres more to it than that. and i really hope that when it comes down to it it isnt; what a delusion.
life, ugh.