karma and cigarettes
The air in this place is starting to feel rancid. Bad karma ya know. Ugly with too much fighting. I dont think I can pretned it doesnt bother me anymore. I cant pretend it doesnt feel like before. Its way to familiar. I see two solutions....I get the hell out, or find a way to numb it. Maybe it will be better when we move. I should chill until then. What would sitting down with a bottle of oblivion solve? My mom would still be crazy, my brother would still be a brat, and I would still be an addict, only on the evil side. If nothing else, I cant lose my son. When all else falls away he is all that I have. Sometimes I feel like he's the only on that still smiles at me anymore. Am I that unbearable? I need to go get some cigarettes. Nothing can be accomplished if not thought about over a cigarette. Im starting to wonder where Rich is. I could almost bet he stayed home from work today and is sleeping or something. I try to hard not to be insecure but I cant help but feel my stomach sink when he doesnt answer the phone. Its not him so much as its just a learned reaction. I think about all the times other boyfriends didnt answer the phone, and what came from that. Hes not them though, right? I love him. Im sure its fine.....shower time, I stink.