(no subject)
sitting outside the mall today up against a wall smoking a parliament trying to focus on the shadows stairing me down, plastered and bleeding on the wall opposite to me reeling from the sun stabbing through the torsow of the clouds. i squinted my eyes slowly until they closed and blew smoke all around my face feeling the stairs of the people walking in and out of the automatic doors looking at me wondering why i was just sitting all alone. after about 15 minutes chase strolled out in the process of filling himself with breadsticks he'd "scored" for us. though i had no apetite i still opened my mouth to praise him for his success but nothing worked and no words came out. I do not subscribe to anything but since i am half a man it is easy to see the world in either black or white, violent or peaceful, kindness or malace, beauty or ugly, always in conflict. lets go spin out of self control and fall so fast that our hand instinctively grab on to anything they can reach. then we can open our eyes and see if its real. I've come to the realization that i will never be referred to as "sir" , "honey" , "dear" , or "dad." these are just words i wont ever hear. and i cant, though i've tried, make the leap to believe in anything, though, i do have a few skills, however unmarketable, I can remarkably smoke a cigarette in both my left and right hand. I can remain silent for long periods of time and then only talk when i feel its safe enough to do so. I have come to the realization that i have maybe 3 real friends or as close to REAL friends as i've ever had and this makes me happy sometimes when i think about it.