I Am...
“Provide a single page typed statement addressing your academic goals and professional aspirations…”
The paper in front of me had this written on it. I’m pretty sure I had a blank stare for at least 10 minutes while trying to comprehend it. What am I doing? A scholarship application with a deadline of March 15th that I had been procrastinating. Suddenly, my world crashes.
When it comes to declaring my academic goals, everything is clear for me. My top priorities as academic goals are to graduate and keep my grades above average, possibly above a letter grade of C, and to graduate in 2010. But when posed with questions concerning my future, I find myself at loss for words. For me, it’s hard to state my professional aspirations on one page without being judged before I have a chance to fully explain.
I know where I want to end up in the future and what kind of life I want to have, but it’s the process of getting to that point that has me stuck on words. Personally, I can tell anyone my professional aspirations in detail: I plan to own a house that can hold a large number of guests. I will be a High School English Teacher that students will love. I will to own a small café or boutique I can manage and run on the side. And most importantly, I will have the ability to go to sleep at night without thinking, “Did I make the right choices today?”
I am sure many people can say this is only ambiguous dreaming and not a goal but, for me, these are true aspirations. A dream is vague and cloudy, but everything I have laid out on the table is clear-cut and precise for me; I could go into further detail for each aspect of my goals. I can describe the color of the walls in Café Le Chat Noir and that Théophile-Alexandre Steinlen’s poster art, Tournée du Chat Noir, will hang in the café bathroom. And I know that daffodils will be displayed on my kitchen table in the spring and a collection of literature, which I’ve collected through high school, college, and work, will be sitting on a large black bookcase in my family room or study.
People tend to ask me how I plan to achieve all this as a teacher: probably assumed because it's one of the first jobs you think of when hearing “I’m an English Major” besides journalism. Honestly, I don’t have an idea as to what career I want. I entered college without a career path in mind, only choosing “B.A. in English with Teacher Certification Option” so that I’d have a job to fall back on if I still was without a career choice by the time I graduated. But really, I don’t think I ever thought much further than that. It was far easier for me to say, “Yes, I’m studying to be a high school English teacher,” than to begin explaining the fact that I still haven’t decided on a career.
Perhaps it had to do with the fact that I felt like it was the only thing I could excel at: teaching English. But maybe even more so, was the feeling that I was useless in everything else. I felt as though I had been cornered and had no other possibilities. So I went with becoming a teacher; it’s a good, decent job. I get to work with youth. I get to teach literature. Suddenly the image of a teacher seemed to take my place: “The way you’re dressed makes you look like a teacher.” “You sound just like a teacher would.” “I can tell you’re a teacher type.” "You're going to be a great teacher."
Suddenly I feel don’t feel like teaching anymore.
...I changed my major.